It’s been a few crazy days. And I’m running on fumes. But I’m still writing a column in the Tribune and there’s one thing I can’t forget:
The Golden Moutza of July.
Because when you’re tired of talking, just let them talk to your Moutza. Most of you know how this works. My Greek ancestors who invented everything — from theater to democracy and probably Windex too — also invented the finest hand signal of contempt in the history of humankind. Readers find me on social media, nominate worthy idiots and the Golden Moutza of the month is awarded.
The Moutza isn’t sexually rampant like the American single digit. All you do is open your hand, aim the palm at some idiot, say the magic word, “Nah!” Then run.
Merlene Thiele nominated Christopher Columbus.
“Columbus for getting us into this mess in the first place,” she said. “He should have just made a left.”
Merlene? Is this really Merlene Thiele? Or are you really Mayor Lori Lightfoot — who got rid of those troubling Columbus statues — writing under an assumed name?
Just thought I’d ask.
“I recommend myself, Nora Johnson, for taking the advice of Kass and watching ‘Alone,’ ” Johnson wrote. “And I’m hooked. It’s a bizarre show. On Season 3. It takes way too much of my evenings. Nah!”
Ouch. That hurts worse than a paper cut. But be proud too, Nora. Be proud.
“Alone” on the History Chanel is the best program on TV. The great virtues versus the wilderness as people survive, alone, without guns.
Just wait till you get past the eating of slugs to this current Season 7, and the musk ox!
No monthly moutza would be complete without a Florida Man nomination.
But this Florida Man wasn’t the subject of the headlines, “Florida Man Denies Syringes Found in Rectum are His,” or “Florida Man Threatens to Kill Man With ‘Kindness,’ Uses Machete Named Kindness.”
This Florida Man is a United States senator. A Republican.
Sen. Marco Rubio.
Rubio honored the late African American civil rights leader U.S. Rep. John Lewis by putting a photo on Twitter.
“It was an honor to know & be blessed with the opportunity to serve in Congress with John Lewis, a genuine & historic American hero. May the Lord grant him eternal peace,” tweeted Rubio, attaching a photo of himself and the famous Black politician.
But the photo wasn’t of Lewis. The Rubio photo was of U.S. Rep. Elijah Cummings, who died last year. Both of the late congressmen are Black.
That’s so embarrassing. Epically cringeworthy, if you will.
Mercifully, Rubio quickly deleted his tweet. What my grandfather would have said: When politicians tweet, the donkeys break wind. And when they make fools of themselves, they go and behead some hapless staffer.
Jody Junius Suttie nominated “The Wall of Moms” photo-op in which some moms used their bodies to protect young demonstrators from police.
Don’t all moms go to their kids “mostly peaceful” protests and bring their iced mochas?
“The Wall of Moms who failed so miserably at raising their children that they have to accompany them in adulthood and still claim ‘It’s not their fault.’ Nah!”
See what happens to America when everybody gets a trophy?
I just read that U.S. Rep. Jim Jordan, the Ohio Republican, was talking tough about social media tech giants silencing conservatives on the Tucker Carlson show.
Jordan says that tech giants manipulating information is an outrage. Who would disagree? But then it came out that one of Jordan’s largest contributors is Google.
Rep. Jordan, listen to me. Feesah etho.
Tony Kyriazes nominates the Joe Biden presidential campaign, in which staffers prop him up and protect him from questions from reporters.
“The New Democratic remake of ‘Weekend at Bernie’s,’ ” Kyriazes said.
But no Nah? No magic words = No nomination. The Moutzatution is clear. Sorry. Them’s the rules.
Jim Gallo weighs in on the drama of Illinois House Speaker Michael J. Madigan. He hasn’t been charged with any crime. But he figures prominently as “Public Official A” in a utilities fraud scheme that just cost ComEd some $200 million in fines.
“This is the easiest Golden Moutza award ever,” Gallo said. “I know you’d like not to have politicians (win) but this Golden Moutza has to go the Illinois Democrats who begin sentences with ‘If Madigan is guilty.’
“So to all those Illinois Democrats, here’s a ‘fair tax’ Golden Nah! to you. Blow on it. (Feesah etho).”
The feds are clearly hunting Boss Madigan. And now the old lion dies the death of a thousand cuts.
Gallo is correct that the Democrats, including Gov. J.B. Pritzker (aka Gov. Commodius Maximus) and Lightfoot, and all the others are cowardly, and playing a game of position. They want to be ready, ‘if’ Madigan is charged. But they don’t have the guts to push him with their own hands.
So Pritzker’s guy in Springfield, state Sen. Andy Manar, D-Bunker Hill, now wants a special session of the legislature to deal with “ethics.” Manar wouldn’t make that kind of move without Gov. Maximus pulling the strings to keep his mouth moving.
So who wins the Golden Moutza of July?
Here’s the headline: “Florida Republican Man Can’t Tell the Difference Between Two Famous, Dead Black Democratic Political Icons He Worked With.”
Or, this one because it’s shorter:
“Marco Rubio’s Stupid Tweet Wins Him the Golden Moutza of July.”
Marco? Lift your chin.
Nah!Listen to “The Chicago Way” podcast with John Kass and Jeff Carlin — at www.wgnradio.com/category/wgn-plus/thechicagoway.
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