Column: No, President Biden cannot win the Golden Moutza. Happy now?
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In their great wisdom, the framers of our ancient Moutzatution decided to exempt presidents from receiving the monthly Golden Moutza award. Isn’t that nice?
As a moutza originalist, I’m pleased. Otherwise, lazy tribalists would simply nominate President Joe Biden, as others tried with former Presidents Donald Trump and Barack Obama, insulting me when I wouldn’t cave.
But I’m not a mayor. And presidents are just too dang easy.
Besides, there are so many others who need it, like climate czar John Kerry — who takes his private jet everywhere — lecturing thousands of union pipe fitters in his insufferably arrogant John Kerry voice that they really shouldn’t mind losing their high-paying jobs over the cancellation of the Keystone pipeline. He says they should make solar panels instead.
Blow on it and your ketchup, Kerry.
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Columns are opinion content that reflect the views of the writers.
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Or the idiotically furry and horned “QAnon cult shaman” Jake Angela (real name: Jacob Anthony Chansley) who stormed into the Capitol building on Jan. 6 with the criminal mob as leader of the “insurrection,” although by the looks of him, such a word might be too big. He was shirtless one with the painted face and the fur. He’s now suffering in jail, his lawyer says, because he can’t eat his usual organic food diet.
Or Sarah Chambers, the Chicago Public Schools teacher and former Chicago Teachers Union leader who told teachers not to go into classrooms while she was getting a poolside tan in Puerto Rico, prattling on about tasty mofongo in San Juan. How touristy.
“I think we need a daily moutza the way things are going,” says Sara Greco.
Yes, Sara. That’s your right as an American. As long as Big Tech censors and their corporate media enforcers don’t control your brain, palms or fingers, you may moutza 24/7 to all morons who aggravate you with a hearty Nah! Parta!” (Here! Take them!) or “Feesah etho! (blow on it) in the manner of my Greek ancestors.
The husband who keeps leaving his socks on the bathroom floor. The idiot who cuts you off in traffic. The politician who plays you for a fool. Your Super Bowl party host who is too lazy to get real Mrs. Grass Onion Soup mix for the dip and tries to convince you that Lipton is just as good.
It’s not just as good. Nah!
Even presidents, but on your time, not mine.
So after skipping the December award because I took vacation time, I decided to appease everyone with a combined December/January moutza. On my Facebook pages, I posted a picture of the golden palm, along with a photo of Biden sniffing the hair of a woman at a news conference.
It wasn’t a moutza. It wasn’t fake news. It was a legit news photo carried on many credible news sites.
This angered a few Biden supporters, including Frank A. Icuss who makes superb red wine in his garage.
“I thought your doctor took you off of the RED MEAT DIET?” cried Frank. “Priming the comments section with that photo doesn’t promote a peaceful dialogue.”
He took me off carbs, not meat. You want peace? Tell it to Nancy Pelosi.
“Let’s not forget one of the more cringeworthy moments. Democratic Missouri U.S. Rep. Emanuel Cleaver ending his opening prayer to the new Congress, saying ‘Amen and A-Woman,’” writes Ann MacIntosh Baker . “I’ve got one palm on my face and extending the other. Nah! to you and your lame attempt at gender inclusivity.”
Amen, or if you will, “Amin.” It does not refer to gender. It means, “so be it.” So, Amin.
“How about a moutza for the North Dakota state legislator who wore a Crown Royal bag for a face mask during a legislative session last week. NAH!!” said Brian Billingsley.
Republican Rep. Wayne Trottier isn’t worthy. It’s Crown Royal, not my favorite, but still drinkable in a pinch.
“How about you for missing last month?” said Ed Pacchetti. “NAH!”
Sadly, the Moutzatution does not protect me. I’m not a president, just a columnist who can be kicked.
“John Kass you can’t just skip a Golden Moutza and shake it off with nonchalance,” writes V.R. Sarti. “There are those of us who look forward to the Golden Moutza column every month. Feesah etho!”
Ouch. I cannot live with the shame.
“So, so many choices month,” says Peg Allingham Ciccarelli. “Katie Couric thinking millions of Americans need to be deprogrammed, NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo giving false info on Nursing Home deaths … Emanuel Cleaver Amen/A-Woman. Nah!”
Amin. Amin. Amin.
Ald. Tom Tunney, 44th, owner of Ann Sather restaurant, admitted that although other restaurants were closed due to City Hall pandemic edicts, he served food. When he was caught, he termed this an “error in judgment.”
“Rules for me but not for thee Tom Tunney?” Vic Zabelka said. “Feesah etho! Nah!”
But there can be only one. Or in the case of two months of moutzes, only two.
“Please give it to CTU leader Sarah Chambers eating mofongo while we parents show up at work, day in and day out during the pandemic,” says Julia Rendon Terrazas, who wants her children in school.
Many chose the furry and be-horned “QAnon shaman” Jake Angeli/Jacob Anthony Chansley.
“Bullwinkle!” nominated Chris Dosev. “Nah!”
Chambers loves mofongo. The furry wing-nut with horns, Chansley, now demands through his lawyers that he be given only organic food to eat while in jail.
Let me help. I’ve got something you both should eat.
The Golden Moutza.
Just blow on it.
Nah!
Listen to “The Chicago Way” podcast with John Kass and Jeff Carlin — at www.wgnradio.com/category/wgn-plus/thechicagoway.
Twitter @John_Kass
