Column: Second stimulus check unlikely, but Americans will get free ‘Went Broke For Amy Coney Barrett!’ T-shirts

A second stimulus check for American workers struggling through the coronavirus pandemic is unlikely to come anytime soon. That’s the bad news.

The good news for people unable to pay rent or buy luxury products like food or shoes for their children is that their sacrifice will help Republican lawmakers maintain their long-standing commitment to being profoundly unhelpful to people who aren’t wealthy. It will also give Republicans in the U.S. Senate the time they need to rush conservative Judge Amy Coney Barrett onto the U.S. Supreme Court.

Don’t worry. I’m sure every American who would have received a stimulus check and every business that might have benefited from a second COVID-19 relief package will get a T-shirt that reads: “I Went Broke To Get Amy Coney Barrett On the Supreme Court!”

And that’s a really nice thing to have.

On Tuesday, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, sipping a warm cup of orphan tears, told his Republican colleagues/co-conspirators that voting on a roughly $2 trillion relief deal being worked out between House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin might delay the Senate’s plan to render the word “hypocrisy” meaningless by seating a new Supreme Court justice days before an election.

McConnell also worries a relief bill that could help American families might divide Republican lawmakers, many of whom have a long-standing commitment to callously disregarding the needs of the people they serve.

Coronavirus cases are surging in states across the country, raising the likelihood of new economic shutdowns that would threaten restaurants, bars and other businesses already failing to make ends meet. The unemployment rate remains high and Americans are wildly in favor of lawmakers passing a new stimulus package.

A CNBC/Change Research poll released Tuesday found that 66% of likely voters believe the Senate should make coronavirus relief its top priority, with only 34% saying Barrett’s nomination to the high court should be the priority.

Again, this sounds like a clear-cut chance for Republican senators to help Americans in a time of crisis and follow the will of the people. But it overlooks one key factor: Republican senators don’t want to do either of those things.

And trust me, it will be fine, because every soon-to-be homeless American will receive a 100% cotton T-shirt that reads: “I Lost My Home And Business So Republican Senators Could Maintain Their Conservative Bona Fides, And All I Got Was This Amazing T-shirt And A Chance To Lift Myself Up By My Bootstraps!”

It’s a totally reasonable trade-off.

Granted, a new Columbia University study found that while aid from the first coronavirus relief package briefly offset growing poverty rates, the number of Americans living in poverty has grown by 8 million since May. And there are now 55 million Americans living in poverty.

But that study did not take into account the emotional lift America’s poor will get when they see a new Supreme Court justice seated by the same people who said seating a Supreme Court justice during an election year is a terrible thing to do. The study also flatly ignored the T-shirt program, which will entitle every unemployed American to one short-sleeve shirt that reads: “It’s Only Bad When Democrats Do It! LOL!”

Look, it’s not like there’s any reason to hold off on the lifetime appointment of a judge who, according to an Associated Press report Wednesday, “served for nearly three years on the board of private Christian schools that effectively barred admission to children of same-sex parents and made it plain that openly gay and lesbian teachers weren’t welcome in the classroom.” (It’s fine. You’re going to love the free T-shirt that reads: “Check Out My Shirt, Gay and Lesbian Friends! Also, Sorry Your Marriages Were Struck Down!”)

Seating Barrett is clearly more important than Americans losing their homes. After all, you can get another home. How often do you have a chance to get a Supreme Court justice whose very willingness to be seated under these conditions raises serious questions about her judgment and character?

While President Donald Trump has said he wants a coronavirus aid package to pass — “I want to do it even bigger than the Democrats,” he told Fox News — he’s presently dealing with far more important matters, like attacking journalist Lesley Stahl of “60 Minutes” because she apparently asked him some tough questions he didn’t like.

Trump spent time Tuesday night tweeting about Stahl, and reportedly even huddled with advisers to figure out how to publicly attack her before “60 Minutes” airs the interview.

At a rally Tuesday night, Trump told the crowd: “Oh, and you have to watch what we do to ’60 Minutes.' You’ll get such a kick out of — you’re going to get a kick out of it. Lesley Stahl is not going to be happy.”

Voters in swing states have been deeply concerned about Lesley Stahl being too happy, so this is unquestionably a winning message for the president.

And I’m sure his supporters, should they lose their jobs or slide into poverty, will believe it’s all worth it once they receive T-shirts that read: “Lost My Television In The Foreclosure, But I Bet The Look On Lesley Stahl’s Face Was Priceless!”

rhuppke@chicagotribune.com

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