Column: Stimulus checks are coming, but first we must address Mr. Potato Head and Dr. Seuss
I know struggling American families need COVID-19 stimulus checks, but as an educated, adult-human conservative U.S. senator, I believe it’s important we first work out a few details regarding toy potato genitalia.
If you’re an American who can still afford to pay the cable bill, you’re surely aware of the immensely important controversy surrounding Hasbro’s iconic Mr. Potato Head. The company announced it was dropping the “Mr.” and “Mrs.” from the brand name, a decision that requires people like me to go on Fox News and yell about tyranny.
I’ll get to the stimulus checks in a moment, but first, ask yourself this: Do you really want to live in a world where a toy potato that has a mustache isn’t clearly labeled a “Mr.”? Paying rent is important, yes, but shouldn’t we first protect our children from possible exposure to gender fluidity among molded-plastic root vegetables?
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Hasbro officials naturally tried to pass this decision off as much ado about nothing, saying in a tweet that the change is only to the overarching “POTATO HEAD brand name and logo” and that “MR. & MRS. POTATO HEAD aren’t going anywhere.” But seeking that kind of “broader understanding of an issue” gets in the way of me protesting the canceling of a beloved starchy tuber, so I’m going to ignore it and yell about tyranny some more.
I realize Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head don’t have genitals — if they did, I would call for them to be BANNED immediately, that’s disgusting! — but it’s irrelevant because Mr. Potato Head has been called Mr. Potato Head since he was first released in 1952, and anything from the 1950s that gets changed is bad.
What’s next, Hasbro? Are you going to tell us G.I. Joe is a vegan?
As we in the Senate prepare to vote on the Democrats’ $1.9 trillion coronavirus relief package, I have some demands that will have to be met before I can, in good conscience, sign off on any stimulus checks.
First, all proposed $1,400 stimulus checks MUST be shipped with a Mr. Potato Head toy that is CLEARLY LABELED “Mr. Potato Head.”
Next, Hasbro must begin equipping all G.I. Joe action figures with a toy porterhouse steak that he can eat or, utilizing a button on his back, hurl at any PETA action figures he comes across.
To prevent further toy-based liberal indoctrination, Rubik’s Cubes sold in America should have only white tiles. The current multicolored tiles bear a resemblance to the rainbow LGBT pride flag and therefore promote the kind of lifestyle that would accept potatoes of ambiguous gender.
I know the pandemic has driven many to the brink of financial ruin, but before I can address their needs, I have to make clear that I feel very uncomfortable about yo-yos. They go up, they go down. PICK A SPOT, ALREADY! The last thing kids need these days is exposure to height fluidity. I demand all yo-yos be non-rotational and come with rigid, unadjustable strings.
(Don’t get me started on Transformers. We’ll save that for the next piece of legislation.)
Of course, the crucial problems in this country don’t just involve toys. This week we learned The Hershey Company plans to start making Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that are “made entirely of peanut butter, both inside and in the peanut butter candy-flavored outer shell.”
That’s clearly an abomination, and I and my fellow Republican colleagues will not agree to any COVID-19 relief package that doesn’t clearly define a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup as the marriage of chocolate and peanut butter.
I’m a man of the people, and I can assure you no one in government is more concerned about the needs of everyday Americans than me. That’s why I devoted the past 48 hours of my actual adult-human life to angrily claiming liberals had CANCELED AND BANNED children’s author Dr. Seuss, proving I had the anti-intellectual fortitude to ignore the fact that a private company established by the Seuss family chose to stop publishing only six of his lesser-known books.
You’re welcome, fellow patriots.
Now I ask you to join me in this sensible quest to ensure that legislation I will never actually sign contains the language necessary to protect us from gender-neutral spud toys, pro-gay puzzle cubes and same-sweet Reese’s cups.
Because all these are issues are of great importance.
And they are the only ideas I have that will get me on Fox News.
