Colwell: This year's peek at the naughty and nice on Santa's list

As he does every year at this time, a very reliable source dropped off a list of the Christmas presents some prominent people will receive.

Although the source is in a position to know, I provide my usual warning. He looks kind of suspicious — has a long beard and goes around in a red costume, a weird getup with tasseled hat and motorcycle boots — and keeps advocating some kind of annual giveaway plan.

His list:

President Biden — What he asked for to avoid another bike accident, a Scoot About Sports Trike.

Donald Trump — What he wanted, a miniature cell phone easily sneaked into a cell.

Marcus Freeman — For the Sun Bowl, sunscreen and a game plan without those zero-gain screen passes.

Taylor Swift — The NFL Most Valuable Player Award for her impact on viewership.

James Mueller — South Bend’s mayor will receive a gift certificate good at the Dave Matthews downtown grocery.

Dave Wood — Mishawaka’s mayor will get an equally valuable certificate for Pat’s Colonial Pub.

Todd Cummings — The school superintendent will find season tickets for 2024 Clay High School football.

Ron DeSantis — A weekend pass for the Magic Kingdom.

Nikki Haley — Contract to write a book: “How to Win Every Debate and Trail the Guy Who Won’t Show Up.”

Chris Christie — A map of New Hampshire to map out his last stand.

Vivek Ramaswamy — A muffler.

Kamala Harris — Sneakers. She wants them to run away from the perception that, yes, Biden is old, but turning to Kamala is unthinkable.

Todd Rokita — The controversial attorney general will find the gold frame he wanted to proudly display his Supreme Court reprimand for professional misconduct.

Destiny Wells — The Democratic candidate for attorney general gets a “ticket leader” pin.

Mike Schmuhl — The Democratic state chair will find under his tree Santa’s poll on whether there’s much chance of a Democrat anywhere on the ticket winning statewide for the first time since 2012.

Anne Hathaway — The first woman to be Republican state chair gets her requested campaign button: “Democratic Ticket Leader Still a Loser.”

Carl Baxmeyer —The county commissioner will find a reservation for a weekend stay at Portage Manor.

Derek Dieter —This commissioner will receive measurements for new drapes in the county surveyor office.

Marjorie Taylor Greene — Autographed copy of Liz Cheney’s book, “Oath and Honor.”

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — A present he won ‘t like. Compilation of his crazy claims, showing he’s a Democratic version of Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Sen. Bernie Sanders — A fake poll commissioned by Donald Trump to show Bernie as the ideal Democratic nominee this time.

Sen. Tommy Tuberville — Toy soldiers to play with, keeping him from playing with the lives of real soldiers.

Gov. Eric Holcomb — A drone to hover over wacky legislators to spot plots against the popular governor.

Kevin McCarthy — The former short-term speaker will get a MyPillow to cry on.

Speaker Mike Johnson — A birth certificate to prove he’s not a robot invented through artificial intelligence to fill a vacancy.

Sen. Mike Braun — He already got the gift he wanted, Trump’s endorsement.

Sen. Todd Young — A plaque as outstanding member of the Hoosier congressional delegation.

Congressman Rudy Yakym — Endorsement by George Santos in appreciation for Yakym’s opposition to expulsion of Santos.

Liz Magill — Nothing. The resigned University of Pennsylvania president is on Santa’s naughty list for failing to give a simple “yes” answer to whether students calling for genocide are naughty.

Shohei Ohtani — A tote bag, large, to carry walking-around money from his $700 million contract.

Pete Buttigieg — Peek-A-Boo Elmo, a toy suitable for play with his two-year-old twins or members of Congress.

Mike Pence — A star for atop his tree. Replaces the noose affixed by the insurrectionists.

Jack Colwell is a columnist for The Tribune. Write to him in care of The Tribune or by email at jcolwell@comcast.net.

This article originally appeared on South Bend Tribune: Columnist Jack Colwell's annual look at Santa's list