Commentary: Thanks, George, for giving us 'Santosizing'

My friends and I are Santosizing. That is, following the lead of U.S. Rep. George Santos, we are writing new biographies for ourselves.

I have three PhDs, one in history, another in English, and the one I like best, in Contact Improvization. While earning my doctorates, I wrote a novel entitled, "You Betcha!" This book won the Pulitzer Prize and I was thus shortlisted for the Nobel Prize in Literature.

"You Betcha!" was made into a movie and I made my film debut by starring in the female role opposite Benedict Cumberbatch. After the movie, Benedict continued to woo me, refusing to believe I was in my 80s. When I produced my birth certificate, he, graciously, if not fortunately, backed off. I say fortunately because my current partner is a mixed martial arts star.

I turned down my Best Actress nomination fearing the publicity would persuade more men to find me irresistibly attractive (the way they did when I danced at Le Crazy).

I could go on and on and on.

Santosizing started out as fun: three women killing time while waiting for Judge Judy reruns to come on at 4 p.m. on Fox, but even after the Judge Judy theme music (Beethoven’s Fifth) announced her appearance, we continued to pad, er, compile, our list of achievements.

One of my friends, Paula, a liberal Supreme Court justice fluent in seven languages, was the first to admit that the exercise, dumb as it was, made her feel better.

“Me, too,” said another, Sally, a petite woman who founded Mensa and who pilots a paddlewheel steamboat down the Mississippi river every Saturday morning. This coming Monday she will be aboard the first spaceship to Neptune. “And Robert Redford will be on that ship, too,” she added. (She’s about my age. She is not as well-read as I and, as a result, is unaware of the existence of Ryan Gosling and Zac Efron.)

But seriously, I did feel better after Santosizing. I still feel better. I’m now envisioning myself as the creator of a board game where you pick a card identifying the venue in which your talent lies and construct a triumph that takes place in that field. Or you select the name of a well-known person throughout history and describe your interaction. There would be cards negating your claims, congressional committee hearings, for instance.

I went to Washington, D.C., to thank George Santos for supplying this about-to-be-lucrative suggestion. He was modest, quipping, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, lady. And get out of my office before I call the Capitol police. If you don’t know it, the Capitol police answer to me.”

Banks is a contributing columnist for the Advertiser. She lives in Bastrop and is the author of several novels. See her work at carolynbanks.com.

This article originally appeared on Austin American-Statesman: Commentary: Thanks, George, for giving us 'Santosizing'