Community Hospice's 'memory pillows' are a 'happy reminder' of loved ones now gone

Salvatore Rotondi's two cats like to snuggle up on the heart-shaped pillow made in his memory. It's on his trusty old leather recliner, which like the cats has found a new home in the house of Salvatore's son, Nick.

A hospice volunteer made the pillow out of a Disney World T-shirt that Salvatore loved in the last few months of his life. It was bought on a trip there in December, his last outing with Nick's family — just before his February 2022 diagnosis of leukemia and his death at 80 on April 22.

The pillow is in Nick's home office in Nocatee, near his father's urn and the folded American flag that honors his Army service.

"Every time I see it I just feel like my dad is sitting there," he said. "It's a happy reminder. It’s a metaphorical pillow. It’s a soft, cozy memento of him. It’s like him, sitting in the chair."

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A year ago Community Hospice & Palliative Care began offering "memory pillows" to the families of those who've died in hospice, in a program called “Forever in Our Hearts.”

About a dozen volunteers have made more than 100 heart-shaped pillows to family members, offered free and made out of favorite or meaningful clothing.

Denise Gonzalez, who lives in Jacksonville's St. Nicholas area, received a pillow for her father, Charles McVey, who was 82 when he died April 28. One side is stitched from his favorite comfy pajama pants. The other side is made from a pocket T-shirt, complete with pocket.

She laughs: Her dad always liked to have a place for the pens that he carried during a long career — 45 years — as a trucker, during which he was known by his CB handle of "Tiny," though he weighed 325 pounds at the time.

Charles and his wife, Janet, who had been an insurance agent, shared the truck cab for the last 10 years of driving and together ensured that the truck kept moving.

“They could get from Jacksonville, Florida, to Riverside, California, in just over 48 hours," Gonzalez said. "They did that for 10 years.”

'Very huggable'

For the past year the families of those who've died in hospice care get a card offering a memory pillow. It's a way for hospice volunteers, who could no longer visit families during the pandemic, to offer support, said Dan Batty, manager of volunteer services for Community Hospice.

"Especially coming out of COVID, how can we connect with these families in a meaningful way, especially after the loved one has passed?" he said.

Lori Peters is a volunteer liaison between hospice and the families who would like a memory pillow. A retired hospice nurse, she volunteered to see patients at home — fixing meals, reading a book, helping to crochet or just simply talking — until the pandemic hit.

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More than a year ago Community Hospice's recently departed volunteer coordinator, Betsy Miller, contacted her about helping start the memory pillow program, knowing that Peters knew how to sew and quilt.

So far volunteers have made pillows out of Hawaiian shirts (which seem to be popular), shirts with logos for sports teams and places of employment, nightgowns and pajamas. Peters herself made Salvatore Rotondi's Disney World pillow.

"They’re a beautiful pillow, they’re very huggable," she said. "It just feels like something someone would take and just hug. It feels good.”

Volunteer sewer Pat Hemsley moved to Jacksonville from southern New Jersey right before the spread of the coronavirus. Making the pillows — about 15 so far, including the one for Charles McVey's family — is a way for her to meet people after the isolation of the pandemic. It's also a way to give back to families in her new home.

"I understand how the grieving process works," she said. "Any little bit that anyone can do makes you feel better.”

'He did it just to see me through'

Salvatore Rotondi was born in New Jersey on New Year's Day 1942. He was 19 when he was badly injured during an Army drill; he went through a windshield, broke numerous bones, was in a coma for a month and surprised doctors who didn't expect him to survive.

He was in pain much of the time after that, and his short-term memory was bad. But he worked for the post office for 28 years and retired at 60. He loved the New York Yankees, golf and cars: He could tell you every car model just by sight, going back decades.

"He never made that much money, but he was a great provider," his son said.

After he decided to discontinue his grueling leukemia treatments, he was at peace knowing he was dying but still regretting the thought that he wouldn't see his grandchildren, now 6 and 4, grow to be older.

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But now Nick, 45, and his dad could really talk about life, could really have all the conversations they'd wanted to have. And that's when Nick learned that his dad, stuck in a marriage that wasn't working, stayed there anyway from the time Nick was 8 or so, getting a divorce only after Nick had graduated high school.

"He stayed strictly because of me," Nick said. "His devotion to me, raising his child right, was an incredible sacrifice. He did it just to see me through.”

'Old school!'

Charles and Janet McVey were married more than 60 years, and after she died in 2019, their daughter stepped in to be his caretaker. "My dad had never really done laundry, never really written checks, didn’t know how to use a debit card. Old school!” Denise Gonzalez said.

She doesn't think her father ever got over the loss.

He was an Army veteran, a deacon in his church and spoiled his grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

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He had numerous health issues, including diagnoses of Alzheimer's and pancreatic cancer, though he didn't admit he was in pain and refused pain medications. He was independent and strong-willed, but at the insistence of her daughter, he eventually moved in with her and her husband, Tony, in August 2021. He was there until a week before he died in April, in hospice at Ascension St. Vincent's.

On her last visit with him, his daughter sang "Amazing Grace," his favorite song. He died about 40 minutes after she left.

Gonzalez, who is 45, is seeing a hospice therapist to talk about grief. She's seen so much recently: the death of her brother, Phil, in 2018, her mother in 2019 and now her father.

"I pushed down grief for so long," she said.

She found help, though: "I cannot say enough about hospice. They have held my hand throughout this whole process. When they came it was like one of the cinder blocks on my back had been lifted off.”

This article originally appeared on Florida Times-Union: Jacksonville Community Hospice volunteers make memory pillows