Confiding couple puts friend in a hard place after separating, reconciling
QUESTION: After being separated for several months, my friends reconciled. The wife confided to me the reason for their breakup and so did the husband and now I find it very awkward to spend time with them together. Knowing what I know, how to I get past my own thoughts and return to being friends with both of them?
CALLIE’S ANSWER: You're in a very tricky situation. You have to get past those thoughts because you know they both have had the same thoughts. They have reconciled and moved on. Hard, but you need to also, as well for them.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: As you work towards giving your friends grace in their reconciliation, give yourself grace for needing a moment to accept this new dynamic, just as it probably took a moment to accept when they broke up. Do your best to be friends with them, since they both relied on you during their breakup. Be thankful that there are no secrets on either side — that ought to make accepting their reconciliation a little easier since they both know what they’re dealing with. And knowing what you know about the situation, if you need to talk through the difficulty you’re having with them back together, I think it would be better to confide in someone else and not the husband or the wife.
HELEN’S ANSWER: How lucky you are to be friends with both of them. Keep the friendship going by acknowledging that you are happy they have reconciled and are sorry there was so much trauma. They have chosen to forgive and forget, so hopefully you can do the same.
Your friends are still the same people they were before the separation and they probably hope that everyone can forget their harsh words about each other.
GUEST’S ANSWER: Yvette Walker, assistant dean and ethics lecturer at Gaylord College of Journalism and Mass Communication, University of Oklahoma: Surviving a friend’s divorce is possibly one of the most difficult stages in a friendship. Because both confided in you, that shows that they think deeply of your friendship. However, it can be hard to know intimate details about our friends, who are going through their greatest struggle. You say you have found it difficult to be with them together. How is it when you are with them individually? If you can give them grace in an individual setting, perhaps you can extend that grace to situations where you see them together. Good luck during this time.
Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth is 40-plus and Helen is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.
This article originally appeared on Oklahoman: Friend asks how to move after confiding couple separate, reconcile
