Confused by abortion laws, anxious about intimacy? The answer is clear: We must ban sex.

Rex Huppke, USA TODAY
·3 min read
1.7k

As Americans in every state scramble to understand how the overturning of Roe v. Wade impacts access to reproductive health care, one thing has become clear: The federal government needs to temporarily ban sex.

I know this sounds draconian, like I’m suggesting politicians tell us what we can and can’t do with our bodies. Ridiculous, right?

But it’s evident in the weeks since the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision that now is the time for bold legislative action to stop any potential procreation and help us interrupt all coitus and whatnot.

I’m not talking about a permanent ban, of course. Just a temporary one-year halt on sex-having until we can sort all this stuff out.

With all the confusion and anxiety since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, let's ban sex for one year to give us all time to cool off and sort everything out.
With all the confusion and anxiety since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, let's ban sex for one year to give us all time to cool off and sort everything out.

Chaos in post-Roe America

A recent article in the medical journal The Lancet about the “chaos” following the overturning of Roe v. Wade noted: “So far, the result is an incoherent and volatile jumble: 16 states have severely restricted or banned the procedure and bans in ten more states are likely to take effect in a matter of weeks. Providers who violate the laws can face as much as 10 years in prison. However, in 22 Democrat-led states and the District of Columbia, abortion access is protected.”

Abortion access: These maps show how access to abortion will change

Abortion rights protester's sign at the Mississippi Capitol in Jackson on June 28, 2022.
Abortion rights protester's sign at the Mississippi Capitol in Jackson on June 28, 2022.

The journal quoted Dr. Nisha Verma, the Darney-Landy Fellow at the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, saying: “These laws are written by non-medical people to regulate the practice of medicine, and they do not actually make sense for the people that are practicing medicine.”

Anxiety over sex? Nobody wants that

According to a USA TODAY report Thursday: “In the wake of Roe's overturning, sex therapists say they've observed a dramatic increase in anxiety when it comes to sex – and for some people, this anxiety has forced them to reconsider how they approach sex, dating and relationships altogether.”

Nobody ever wants to feel anxious. Much like nobody ever wants to have an abortion. So following the thinking of the Supreme Court and leaders in Republican-led states, the best way to avoid anxiety is not to address the root problem but to remove the right that is creating the anxiety, which in this case is the right to have sex.

I’m sure we can all agree on that. Better we be celibate than confused and anxious, am I right?

Embrace my PATRIARCHY legislation

The legislation I’m proposing, the Patriotic Agreement That Requires Immediate Abandonment of Regular Copulation-Having for one Year, or PATRIARCHY, will undoubtedly upset those currently hoping to generate offspring.

But as I’m sure Republican politicians in states across America will agree, the wishes and opinions of a large majority of voters should never get in the way of legislation that restricts rights. Besides, have you seen how many humans are in this country right now? I think we can stop making new ones for a year or so and still be just fine.

The best way to avoid anxiety is not to address the root problem but to remove the right that is creating the anxiety, which in this case is the right to have sex. Right?
The best way to avoid anxiety is not to address the root problem but to remove the right that is creating the anxiety, which in this case is the right to have sex. Right?

Many men out there are bound to say, “But wait a minute, I had a vasectomy, why do I have to stop having sex?” or “How dare you trample my man-rights!” or “Wait a minute, this isn’t fair because it impacts me!”

Sorry, fellow dudes, everyone must make sacrifices in this post-Roe country of ours, and denying access to intercourse is the only equitable path forward. Maybe you could take up a hobby like listening to women or swallowing a bowling ball and seeing how it feels walking around with that thing in your gullet.

'Copulation stagnation' is the way

Again, this ban will be in place only until we smoothly transition from one consistent federal right to an array of different rights that depend on where a person lives.

Rex Huppke is a columnist for USA TODAY Opinion, where he writes humor and satire columns.
Rex Huppke is a columnist for USA TODAY Opinion, where he writes humor and satire columns.

If only there was some kind of court – like a Head Court or Ultimate Court or something – that could make sure our laws are consistent and clear.

Ah well. Absent that, we’re all logically obliged to enter a phase of copulation stagnation.

Which is why you should support the PATRIARCHY legislation.

Fair, one would think, is fair.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Abortion law confusion: Roe overturned means time to ban sex