Cook review: ‘Madame Web’ is threadbare in plot, dialogue

Yeah, it’s bad, but is it “Showgirls” bad?

“Showgirls” carries the dubious “so bad it’s good” distinction of featuring so much unintentional hilarity that it’s worth a look.

‘Madame Web’ (IMDb)

“Madame Web,” on the other hand, isn’t quite up that standard, although it does provide a lot of unintentional laughter.

The story never becomes cohesive. The dialogue is ridiculous. And the CGI looks more CGI-ish than in most super-hero movies – and that’s saying a lot.

This, incidentally, is a Sony/Marvel production, and not an MCU presentation.

The movie begins in the Amazon, where a scientist (Cassandra Webb’s mother) is on a trip to research – you guessed it – spiders.

Then the film jumps to 2003. Dakota Johnson stars as Cassandra Webb, a paramedic in New York City. Her good friend is Ben Parker (Adam Scott) – and yes, that’s a Spidey reference.

After a terrifying accident, Cassie discovers she can see into the near future, so she’s able to avoid disaster and help keep those around her safe, too.

During her adventure, she becomes a kind of surrogate mom to three teenagers (one of them is Sydney Sweeney) who all have super powers, too.

Of course there’s a villain (Tahar Rahim,) who was involved in a tragedy connected to Cassie’s late mother. He, too, has a kind of clairvoyance, and fears the young women at whose hands he may meet his demise.

There’s a lot of nonsense about a group of spider-people in the Amazon. This is particularly frustrating because we never learn the back story of these characters … and they’re the most interesting part of the film.

It’s no wonder that memes mocking this movie are making their way across social media.

Its plot, its dialogue, its characters – all are threadbare in this ridiculous Spidey spinoff.

1 star

Rated: PG-13 for violence.

Running time: One hour and 57 minutes.

In theaters.

Watch the trailer here.

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