Coronavirus crisis: What your children need most for a strong, resilient future is you
It’s an odd time. It’s such an odd time. That’s the refrain I keep hearing from friends, colleagues and family members, in whispered conversations we don’t want our now-stay-at-home kids to overhear. Parents around the world are adjusting to the unsettling new reality of school closures, work-from-home directives and even shelter-in-place orders. We’re juggling work and figuring out how to home-school, all while worrying about vulnerable neighbors, at-risk loved ones, our financial futures and the toll this will have on our children, academically and beyond. Stress levels are high.
My husband, a child clinical psychologist, came home from work several weeks ago concerned at the heightened levels of anxiety he was seeing in teens concerned about the coronavirus pandemic. It’s hard for us adults to make sense of the constant stream of dire news reports, and kids don’t have the brain development to do that on their own. Our own children tell us they’re worried about loved ones getting sick, sad about missing friends and long-planned events and concerned about what extended time out of school could mean for them academically. In other words, kids are worried about many of the same things we are.
Fighting fear and bracing for loss
All of us, grownups and kids alike, are fighting feelings of disorientation and fear and bracing for loss. Fear and pain are in our homes while we witness terrible suffering in real time on a worldwide scale. During hard times, we humans are known for coming together to care for one another in inspiring ways. But people under intense stress are also prone to take out their frustrations on each other. For the most vulnerable among us, especially kids, the time we are living in right now has the potential to be very traumatic for many reasons.
Not long ago, it was unclear why some people who experience traumatic events go on to have major mental health problems, including PTSD, while others seem to recover from such events without significant long-term consequences. Answers have begun to emerge from research in the field of early childhood attachment. Three central factors put a child at risk of experiencing mental health issues later in life — genetic risks, having multiple childhood traumatic experiences and lacking a secure attachment figure to help process those traumatic experiences. Understanding this research points us to concrete actions we can take now to help our kids navigate these times.
We cannot control the genes our children inherit from us or much of the inevitable pain that happens to all of us as part of the human experience. But we do have total control over the third risk factor: nurturing a secure attachment with our children. When we are open and available to our children when they are in genuine pain, we create pathways in their developing brains for grieving and recovering from pain with someone. Having such pathways for processing overwhelming experiences builds resiliency in them against future pain and potential trauma. How we as parents care for our children’s pain now matters.
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Your child’s brain is exquisitely designed to read faces and interpret what they think we mean. Children reading anger and annoyance on their parents’ faces tend to get stuck on concern or confusion about their relationship with their parents and expend energy there. Children seeing and interpreting looks of love and acceptance on their parents’ faces instantly understand they are safe, even when things are hard, freeing them to focus their energy on discovering what they are capable of. Even when our stress levels are high, choosing patience and loving responses builds resilience in our children that will help them develop their own strengths and abilities over time.
Listen to your kids' stories and worries
Yes, routines can be helpful, and structure often makes kids feel safe. But if rigid daily schedules and screen time limitations are causing tension instead of helping your kids, consider putting them aside for the moment. Worry less about whether they finish that online math assignment today or not. Remind yourself that your children have years ahead of them to learn and be productive. For now, they need you.
If you’re having a hard time, please call a friend or pull out a journal, and take time to name your tiredness, fear and frustration. You’ll get back to those soon enough — they’re always there waiting, and they deserve to have a hearing. Then give yourself permission to love your kids in this moment.
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Take even a few minutes and stop to really see the children in front of you. Listen to their stories, and ask them what they’re thinking about. Talk about their worries, tousle their hair and smile into their eyes. Dance in the kitchen, make a fort in the living room or stay up late telling stories. Communicate your love, and tell your kids some of the things that you appreciate about them.
Choosing to be lovingly present with your children during this hard time will not only help you together find joy in shared moments; it will protect their capacity for healthy development and learning over a lifetime. Guiding our kids through life’s challenges while expressing our love is what they need now, and it’s how we build strength and resiliency in them that will last.
Amy Olrick is co-author, with Dr. Jeffrey Olrick, of "The 6 Needs of Every Child: Empowering Parents & Kids Through the Science of Connection." Follow her on Twitter: @amyolrick
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Coronavirus crisis: Nurture strength and resilience in your children
