COVID etiquette: How to deal politely with the unvaccinated at work, parties and weddings

Oh, it’s ugly out there. These days we’re divided into two new camps, vaxxed and unvaxxed, each pointing fingers at the other.

Depending on your stance, “they” are either dismantling our freedoms (“you are sheep!”) or endangering public health (“get the shot, already!”).

About 52.3% of Americans are fully vaccinated, but this varies widely by state. Depending on where you live, 68% of your neighbors may be fully vaccinated (Vermont) or a mere 38% of them could be (Alabama).

Even though more shots are going into arms now that the highly transmissible delta variant is spreading, that’s still a lot of unprotected people. And heck, nearly everyone is making up for lost time – having weddings, taking vacations and planning cookouts, plus kids are going back to school and adults to the office.

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It’s clear that vaccine etiquette is evolving right along with the virus. The bottom line is that all the usual etiquette rules apply – give people their privacy, don’t ask nosy questions – along with some unusual rules necessitated by the pandemic. Health and safety come first, and the common good prevails over individual rights. Get vaccinated if you can, and stay safe and protect others no matter your status.

Here are some of the questions sent to me in the past two weeks:

Q: A friend posted that he had gotten a booster shot. Is it acceptable to ask how he qualified for a booster already?

This question requires balancing the need to know (Will that information change my behavior or protect others?) against our innate curiosity (Gee, I’d like to know!).

In this case, no, it’s not appropriate to ask how someone qualified for a booster, because that information is not going to impact your behavior. Are you curious about whether he has a qualifying medical condition? Not your business. Perhaps you think he jumped the line? Let’s leave vetting to medical professionals.

I would also suggest that if you have a qualifying condition you want to keep private, don’t post about that additional shot.

A friend of mine caused a fracas when he posted on Facebook that he received a booster, finally acknowledging he had been diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disorder. I’m glad he’ll be protected, which better protects everyone. And now that his condition is public, someone else seeking a booster could fairly ask him how he got the appointment. That’s useful information, not just curiosity.

Q: Can brides and grooms require their guests to be vaccinated?

Oh, yes. My wedding, my rules – and this is certainly less controversial than directives such as “no phones at the ceremony.”

Hosts are responsible for providing a safe environment, especially with the rise of the delta variant, and because wedding guest lists often include grandparents (at higher risk because of their age) and kids under 12 (who are not yet vaccine-eligible).

Wedding rules can properly include limiting the number of guests, celebrating outdoors and mandating testing, masking, social distancing or vaccination. Guests who cannot or will not comply may be (politely) disinvited.

And if you’re invited to a wedding or other large social event, don’t be shy about asking, “What are your COVID rules?”

Q: Can I ask fellow employees whether they are vaccinated? What about party guests?

It is not up to you to ask about anyone’s vaccination status, but employees have a right to a safe work environment – and that is the employer’s responsibility.

If you have a workplace concern, speak with a manager or human resources rather than quizzing a fellow employee about their vaccination status.

Many companies that had been planning a return to the office (or were already doing it) have made modifications. Some are pushing back the timetable; others are requiring proof of vaccination or regular testing as a condition of employment.

Employees who may have legitimate medical or religious exemptions have a right to keep that information private as long as their co-workers are protected.

The question about guests comes up regularly at dinner parties and backyard barbecues. If you’re planning an event, your role as host makes it important to know guests' vaccination status to protect everyone’s health.

For a Labor Day gathering, I asked my guests whether they were vaccinated. They all were, save one, who volunteered not to attend. It’s fine for guests to ask me how I’m keeping the event safe before deciding to RSVP, but they shouldn’t interrogate one another.

Q: I was with a co-worker at an outdoor concert. It was hot and she asked for a sip from my water bottle, but I said no because of COVID. She was offended, and I feel terrible. Was I wrong?

No, you weren’t wrong, and I wish your co-worker had been more understanding.

You were wise to say no, which, regardless of COVID-19, helped prevent sharing germs along with water. In these extraordinary times, we need to take all the precautions we can, and this means cutting others slack for behaviors that might ordinarily be considered affronts – crossing the street to avoid an unmasked group, putting on a mask to go into a neighbor’s home or declining to share a water bottle.

Q: I am so angry at the unvaccinated in this country and want nothing to do with them. Don’t you think the unvaccinated should be shunned?

Whoa, hold on! Don’t make so many assumptions. There are many possible reasons why people have not been vaccinated.

Some are “vaccine hesitant” (new information may be persuasive in getting them the jab); others don’t want to lose pay if they take time off (financial incentives can help); people of color may be resistant based on a history of racism and medical exploitation (again, data and personal storytelling might be helpful).

Then, there are the hardcore anti-vaxxers, who might not be persuadable – at least not until the virus enters their lives personally.

The conservative radio host Phil Valentine, for example, was opposed to the COVID-19 vaccine – until he contracted the virus himself. His change of heart came too late, and he died of the virus this month.

According to the Kaiser Family Foundation online monitor, only 14% of Americans say they will “definitely not” get the shot. Rather than treating the unvaccinated as lepers, learn why they haven’t been.

When you can, provide information from reputable scientific sources. Pay attention to people’s concerns and explain how you have overcome your own.

If you do feel angry (as more people do as this becomes a pandemic of the unvaccinated), keep that to yourself. Shunning or berating does not usually change minds; it more often leads to dug-in heels.

Still, when around someone you know to be unvaxxed, keep your distance, wear a mask and wash your hands as soon as you can.

Now more than ever, our efforts to overcome this pandemic rely upon a collective response, the “we, not me.” This is a fundamental aspect of etiquette: thinking about others.

So before you say or do anything, I suggest asking: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Steven Petrow, a writer on civility and manners and a member of USA TODAY's Board of Contributors, is the author of five etiquette books, including "Stupid Things I Won't Do When I Get Old." Follow him on Twitter: @stevenpetrow

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: COVID vaccinations: How to handle friends who refuse to get the jab