Would you cut it as Kate Winslet’s husband? Few men could…

As you may know, Kate Winslet is having a moment, thanks to her performance in Mare of Easttown and, when a female celebrity is riding high, it’s not long before we must know everything about her grooming, homeschooling routine and life partner. In this case Winslet’s husband of nine years, Edward Abel Smith.

This week, Winslet described her spouse as “a superhot, superhuman, stay-at-home dad”, and “an absolutely extraordinary life partner”, adding that he is “especially” good at looking after her and, in spite of being dyslexic and finding reading out loud a struggle, doggedly determined when it comes to testing her on her lines.

Let us spare a thought for the partners of the modern A-list celebrity. If normal marriage demands effort on both sides, the civilian-celebrity marriage requires double the effort on the civilian side. Any Celp (Celebrity’s Extraordinary Life Partner) must do the work for both of them, and then some.

In most modern marriages there’s a time when one of you is in the hot seat and the other one is holding everything together on the home front. But a Celp is holding it all together, all the time. It’s worth reflecting on the selfless job they do behind the scenes. For example:

• They must be constantly vigilant about “how things will look”. Abel Smith for years went by the name Ned Rocknroll, until Winslet pointed out their child would not thank them for it and he changed it back. We’re guessing other crucial image management conditions for Celps would include things such as not wearing a fur trapper’s hat, not tweeting abuse when drunk, not loving blood sports and not having any opinions on J K Rowling.

• As well as providing at-home support when the talent is working, the Celp must be their between-jobs morale manager. You can imagine how it goes. Within weeks of a Bafta win, the doubts will start: “I’m past it”, “I should have taken that job in Minsk”, “I shouldn’t have worked with Him”, “I need a knee lift… do I need a knee lift?” “I need a new stylist”, “We have to get papped in the park with me looking hot in a long wafty dress”. The Celp must be prepared to perform the role of courtier, agent, cognitive behavioural therapist, superfan and nanny, all rolled into one.

• They must have an exemplary 2021 lifestyle. This week we also learnt that Winslet’s husband is vegan, practises “yoga breathing” and enjoys cold-water swimming. Of course he does. These are entry-level requirements for the husband of an A-list actress, in the same way that being able to walk out of a four-hour lunch at San Lorenzo looking ready for more was, back in the day.

• A Celp who doesn’t conform to current expectations is a liability. Plus, as Winslet pointed out, the yoga and swimming keeps her partner calm, and calm may be what a Celp needs most.

Here’s to Ned and all the other extraordinary life partners working around the clock to keep our show ponies on the road.

Is it just me...

Who is looking forward to Physical, the comedy drama about a 1980s aerobics instructor starring Rose Byrne? (It starts on Apple TV+ this month.) How much fun this will be – especially for those of us who fondly remember struggling along to the Jane Fonda’s Workout tape, Olivia Newton-John in the Physical video, leotards, leg warmers, headbands, footless tights and all that stuff we haven’t thought about nearly enough in the intervening decades. If you don’t have Apple TV+, something in a similar vein (although professional wrestling, not aerobics) is Glow on Netflix, which we can highly recommend. Here’s to fitness being a laugh again.

Is it OK to...

Be alarmed that Ulrika Jonsson, 53, has got a new tattoo in memory of her bulldog, Nessie? Oh dear, where to start? The tattoo is an enormous sunflower on her upper arm, where you might expect a snake and dagger. If you must get a midlife tattoo, then get a small one, like Sam Cam’s dolphin, in a place where it’ll rarely be seen. Or better still, don’t, and instead put a dog shrine in your garden. Or a photograph of him on your screensaver. Or get a plaster cast of his paw and keep it by your bed. Too much? Probably. But anything rather than this.