Daddy Days: A guide to the treats, sweets of Christmas
The Christmas season is upon us and that means one thing to kids: treats. December is the time of year every house and business turns into that cottage made of candy from Hansel and Gretel and every kid forgets the moral of that story.
There’s little you can do about the blizzard of sugary confection blanketing your kids' life in December so you might as well be prepared for what you’re dealing with. Here’s a parent’s guide to Christmastime sweets and treats.
Hot chocolate. Don’t sleep on the hot coco. Kids love it and it usually doesn’t have caffeine. If it does, you'll find out in eight hours when your kids are singing “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” at the top of their lungs at 2 a.m.
Candy canes. In the last episode of unpopular opinions brought to you by Daddy Days, I threw shade on s’mores. This time I’m coming for candy canes. Not a fan. Here’s why:
They break 11 out of 10 times when a kid tries to open them.
The retained stickiness factor on kids’ fingers after having one is off the charts.
Their whimsical candy stripe design and slender figure make them look so charming and harmless, yet they are 40% sugar. An average donut is 16% sugar. Are the kids “just excited for Christmas”? Or have they eaten four candy canes since lunch and are about to grow wings?
Hershey’s Kisses. These sweets really edged their way into the Christmas treat category. That whole kisses as bells playing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” commercial is pretty clever and you can’t make traditional peanut blossom cookies without them. And they are sort of shaped like a Christmas tree. But in the end I’m pretty sure what we have here is an everyday treat (chocolate chips) on steroids that are masquerading as a Christmastime treat. I don’t trust them.
Christmas cookies — the real ones. That means they’re scratch-made sugar cookies topped with butter-drop frosting and my mom made them. They’re the best. They’ve earned the right to be called “The” Christmas cookies.
Christmas cookies — the imposters. This can be any number of other “Christmas cookies” that you maybe grew up with and are under the mistaken impression are “The” Christmas cookies because you don’t know my mom. Some of them are OK. I guess. If you like your cookies with an extra helping of mediocrity.
Buckeyes. Yes, they’re from Ohio and legend has it they were a mistake gone right. There’s strong Midwestern representation in our family on both sides so these are a perennial Christmas cookie. They’re not cookies though so if you’ve never had one and are looking for what might be a buckeye on a plate of Christmas cookies, look for something like an uncooked ball of dough dipped in chocolate that looks like it’s there by accident. There’s your buckeye. Good stuff.
Sugar cookies. You know the ones I’m talking about. They’re flat as a CD, usually cut into Christmas trees, bells or Santa shapes, and often decorated by kids. And that’s where everything goes wrong. They’re flat as CDs until the kids put sugar sprinkles on them. Then they’re as tall as a sandwich. In my house, I can’t see the cookies for the sprinkles. Definitely can’t taste them. But what do you expect from kids who gnaw on sticks of 40% sugar for the month of December? Sugar is their water.
Gingerbread houses. Wait, so now we’re encouraging playing with food? And also normalizing houses made of treats? I think we’ve come full circle to a lack of attention paid to the Hansel and Gretal story
I know I sound pretty bah humbug on Christmastime treats, but you have to understand the scale of what we’re dealing with when the sugar plum fairy comes to town for December. We won’t be able to dig out of the avalanche of treats and sweets until Easter.
And then it starts all over again. Harris and his wife live in Pflugerville with their six sons. Please email comments or suggestions for future columns to thoughtsforcaleb@gmail.com.
This article originally appeared on Austin American-Statesman: Daddy Days: A guide to the treats, sweets of Christmas
