Daddy Days: Housebreaking the kids
This edition of Daddy Days is all about the things that are going to get broken if you have more than three kids. I know whereof I speak. Take precautions now before it’s too late.
The wall adjacent to the toilet paper holder. If you have a toilet paper holder that is attached to the wall, and it’s not affixed to the studs (most aren’t), it’s coming out and you’re going to have busted drywall. Do the kids think it’s a handle? Do they think it’s the end of a giant pull-string for some hidden toy? Do they think it’s one of those rings from the Olympics that guys will hold onto while doing a headstand? Yes, apparently, to all three because they’re going to pull on it and it’s coming out of the wall.
The plastic guard in front of the shelf in the refrigerator door. Those shelves are specifically sized to fit a gallon of milk. But they are not specifically designed to withstand the mini tornado, earthquake or equivalent natural disaster that is a 4- to 8-year-old boy opening and closing the refrigerator. They will break. The items in the door that were behind the (now broken) guard will also fall and break. If you’re lucky one of them won’t be concentrated garlic juice.
Towel holders, robe hooks, 3M hangers ... really anything that is attached to a wall and designed to hold less than 10 pounds is coming down and/or out. The good news? The home store sells spackle, mesh and wall texture cheap.
Light switches. Kids wear them out. I don’t know how many up and down movements a standard light switch is supposed to be able to take, but apparently it’s not a million times a day. The first sign you’ll notice is the switch feels squishy, or doesn’t go all the way up when turned on. Not too long after that it won’t work at all. The good news is light switches are very cheap (grab three while you’re at the home store to save a couple trips) and are generally easily switched out at home. The bad news is the breaker box won’t be labeled and you’ll go through the same process of calling out, “did that one do it?” as you hunt down the breaker for the light switch you need to swap. I definitely need to label those breakers. Next time.
Sliding back doors. I’m telling you, if you have kids and you’re about to buy a house with a sliding back door, replace it before you move in. It will either be cracked, bent so badly it won’t close or irreparably fall off the track in the next two years — 100% for sure. It will be the kids’ fault(s) also 100% for sure. These doors are also built-in little finger smashers and the bane of parents everywhere.
The battery cover to the TV remote. I don’t know why they do it. I don’t know when they do it. I don’t even know how they do it. But the kids always end up breaking the plastic cover to the battery compartment on the TV remote. And the DVD player. And the sound system. Really all the remotes. Tape fixes the problem until you have to change the batteries and then more tape fixes the problem.
A few other things the kids will break: recliners, doorbells, fence boards, knobs of any kind, shoe racks, fan pull strings, your glasses, stainless steel cups (I know, I’m almost impressed), grill covers, every pencil lead in a 100-foot radius, broom bristles and child safety latches.
Harris and his wife live in Pflugerville with their six sons. Please email comments or suggestions for future columns to thoughtsforcaleb@gmail.com.
This article originally appeared on Austin American-Statesman: Daddy Days: Housebreaking the kids
