My Daughter Refuses to Read Anything Other Than This Boring, Repetitive Series. I’m Dying.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Every night before bed, I read to my 9-year-old daughter. She’s in fourth grade, but she has a significant reading disability and reads at a first-grade level. A lot of her experiences with reading are frustrating and stressful, which is why I like to keep our evening reading time fun and low-pressure by letting her choose the books we read. For the last year, she’s been obsessed with one particular book series. I would never tell her this, but these books are the pits. They’re mass produced by a team of ghostwriters, and every single one has the same plot. There are currently more than 200 books in the series, not including “specials” and spin-offs, so there’s no way we’ll run out of them. We’ve read about 30 of these books at this point, and I’m completely over them.

I told my daughter that when we finish the one that we’re currently reading, we should try something else for a change. She got very upset and said that she doesn’t want to read other books. I assured her that we’ll read more of her favorite series, but we’ll alternate with other books of her choosing. I thought she was okay with this plan, but she came home from school yesterday with two more books from this series and announced that she won’t accept anything else. There’s a part of me that feels like I should just suck it up and read these books if it’s that important to her, but there’s another part of me that thinks that a compromise is totally reasonable. What’s your advice?

—Reluctant Reader

Dear Reluctant Reader,

I can understand why you might be bored with this endless, unoriginal series and wish that your kid would branch out a bit. But given your daughter’s struggles with reading and the eagerness with which she seems to want to consume these books, I think you have to stick with them for now. Just think it over again: She’s found a book series that she loves, and you want to steer her away from them because you find the books to be annoying? That’s probably not going to get you the outcome you want, which is your daughter developing a long-term a love for reading, despite her disability.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to introduce new books or series to her from time to time, but I wouldn’t demand that she reads something else. Pushing your daughter away from these books could result in pushing her away from reading altogether, then nobody wins. As long as the books don’t have troubling content in them, I would suggest sucking it up and supporting your child in her literacy journey. Which, by the way, will probably meander away from these books organically soon enough.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I got married in our thirties and now have a 1-year-old. My husband was married before, and his parents really stepped in for emotional support when he divorced. So he feels extremely close to them—which is not a bad thing. While we were dating/married before the baby, they gave us privacy, but they’ve had boundary issues with my sister and brother-in-law and their kids.

Now that I have a child, I see how my sister-in-law feels. They don’t come over a lot, but they are our main babysitters. And they don’t take it well when I ask them not to do something. They become very petty and make snide remarks. Even having my son 50 hours a week, at family functions they have to hold him the entire time. They take him from me and when he whines for me, they do not give him back.

My mother-in-law constantly tells me what to do. My husband doesn’t see a problem and expects me to tell them when I’m bothered. They’ve recently been naked around my child.
And while he’s too young to remember now, I’m worried about when he’s older—especially since my husband just told me he showered with his grandfather at 6 years old.
I feel like I’m going insane and am totally unsupported by my husband. Divorce is on my mind constantly. How do I get him to see how I’m feeling, and that I’m seriously considering divorce?

—Losing My Family

Dear Losing,

Wow, this letter really escalated. I’m glad you have the sense to realize that you’re being gaslit and taken advantage of. What your MIL is doing is not ok by any means, but what your husband is doing is even worse in my mind. He sees that you’re suffering and unhappy, but he’s putting the onus on you to talk to his mother? Where is the love and support for you? He should be ashamed of himself for sitting back and allowing his mother to treat you this way.

We’ll get back to your husband in a minute, but first let’s talk about how you should handle your MIL. If she’s involved in an interaction with your child that you disagree with, simply state, “This is my child, and it is not up for debate.” That means if she’s holding your son and he calls out for you, your firm response should be, “This isn’t a debate. Please hand over my son, now.” The more you set firm boundaries, the more she should learn to take the message.

Also, you should strongly consider finding a new babysitter. I get it—I’m sure she costs you nothing … at least in your wallet. But think about how expensive it is to your mental health to have someone like this constantly in your life. Wouldn’t it be better to spend a few bucks to not have to deal with her as much?

Last, but not least: You and your husband need to go to couples therapy, stat. And as part of rolling that out, you need to tell him that you’re strongly considering divorce if he doesn’t change his ways. If he loves you and values your marriage, he will be an active participant in therapy and hopefully become a better husband and parenting partner. If he doesn’t, then you know what you’ll need to do.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My entire life (35F), gift-giving has always been one of my love languages. I love surprising people with thoughtful, fun, and useful gifts, and I enjoy shopping for the people close to me. My husband comes from a LARGE family (8 siblings, all of whom are married with at least 1-2 kids) and Christmas is a festival of excess for them, with everyone buying presents for everyone. It’s A LOT. I’ve always done my best to choose engaging, meaningful, and thoughtful gifts. While not always the most expensive, I feel like they’re enjoyed immensely until recently.

My issue stems from the fact that this year, we’ve seen some financial difficulties and won’t be able to do our usual level of gifts for our nieces and nephews. Unfortunately, due to several factors, our two nieces (6 and 10) in particular have become incredibly materialistic and at the eldest’s birthday last weekend, she opened a mountain of gifts, looked around at all of us and goes, “That’s it?” I kept it to myself but I was appalled. I was raised to be grateful, say thank you for everything from cards to cars, and to always write thank you notes afterwards.
I’m doing my best to instill this in my two boys, but I honestly don’t know how to handle my nieces. They’ve never said thank you, and often push aside books and craft sets for large splashy items. This year, we’re limiting ourselves to a strict $25 per kid because that’s what our budget allows. I know we’re gonna hear about it from our nieces/their mother, but short of telling them we’re drowning in medical debt and don’t have a choice, I have no idea how to deal with it.

—Not the Grinch, I Swear

Dear Not the Grinch,

I don’t want to focus on your nieces right now. This is a great opportunity to teach your children about how life can sometimes throw us a curve ball, and your financial difficulties are one of them. Fancy gifts and money don’t mean much without a loving family, and as long as you instill in your boys that you will always love them, they will be just fine. Not to mention, there are so many ways you can show love to your kids without spending a ton of money—family game night, scavenger hunts in the backyard, walks throughout the neighborhood, Netflix movies, etc. I know you probably are aware of this, but I wanted to give you some reassurance that your boys will be fine even if they don’t have the latest toys or gadgets this holiday season.

Now onto your nieces, and I think handling them is pretty simple. When she said, “That’s it?” I would respond, “Yes, that’s it. Is that your way of saying ‘thank you’ for the gift? If so, that’s incredibly rude.” I would ensure that’s done within earshot of her parents so they understand how tacky their child’s behavior is. If her mom confronts you, feel free to go into detail on your personal financial situation if you want to, but I don’t feel that it’s necessary. Simply state, “Right now this is the best I could do, and I would hope my niece would learn to be grateful for whatever she receives.” Hopefully that will provide her with the wakeup call she needs to get her kids in order, but either way, I would stand firm on your budget and focus on continuing to instill gratitude in your own kids.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband (we’re both male) has always been a rule-follower to an almost absurd level. If a recipe says “bake for 12 minutes,” he’ll bake for exactly 12 minutes, even if the cookies are getting black and burning to a crisp. I have restaurant experience, but me explaining that some ovens run hotter than others does absolutely no good; husband will just stubbornly reply, “The directions say 12 minutes.” It was a quirk, but mostly an inconsequential one. But now we have a kid, and we just had an experience that really shook me up.

I was traveling for work and our toddler got sick while I was away. When I returned, our son was miserable and crying and obviously felt awful. My husband had been up all night, rocking him and comforting him, but the one thing he hadn’t done was offer Tylenol. His rationale: “I called the pediatrician and she said the rule is to give pain relievers if the fever is over 102.” Our son’s fever was 101.7. But he was MISERABLE. And my husband would not relent, because he was focused on the magic “102” number, with no regard to the particulars of the situation. We ended up getting in a huge fight, until I called the doctor back at midnight, at which point the doctor said, “Oh, of course if he feels awful, give him Tylenol to help him sleep!” But my husband still thinks he was right, and that our son couldn’t have been that miserable, because his fever wasn’t 102. His lack of willingness to reconsider rules and use personal judgment when the situation calls for it now has me really worried, especially when it comes to future parenting decisions. Should I be? Do you have any suggestions?

—Please Break the Rules

Dear Break the Rules,

As you already know, most reasonable people would not wait until the thermometer reached 102 before giving a child basic medicine. This blind rule-following is indeed a major concern with a kid around, and it doesn’t sound like any amount of logic or discussion is breaking through to your husband. I think you have to ask him to join you in seeing a licensed mental health professional to find out what’s behind this potentially dangerous intransigence and to begin to manage it.

The good news is your husband isn’t a bad guy and his heart is clearly in the right place. He just needs to let go of these arbitrary numbers and rules and learn to trust his gut. Be patient with him and offer support, but you really need to push for an intervention here before his inflexible mindset causes more problems.

—Doyin

My husband works in a field with opportunities for travel and temporary relocation (yearlong fellowships, for example), which is something we’ve been waiting to take advantage of for quite some time. Now that he’s reaching the point in his career where this might be a real possibility in the next year or two, we are presented with a conundrum. Our son “Ben” is very sensitive and shy and does not transition well. He has already had to move and switch schools in his first two years, and it has been really challenging.