Dave Hinton: Columnist's new book an emotional journey
Jul. 22—Don Follis grew up in Kansas, the land of Dorothy and her little dog.
Unlike Dorothy, who was whisked away by tornado to the Land of Oz, Follis never had to leave home to find the Land of Numb.
It's where most people live, not just Kansans. They suppress their emotions, and everything is "fine." No matter what turmoil they're going through.
Just ask them.
For many years Follis didn't think about the connection between his emotional and spiritual lives.
Follis' wife, Jennifer, opened his eyes when she told him that "fine is a grade of sandpaper." It's not an emotional state.
The 68-year-old Follis, who has written a News-Gazette religion column for many decades, has spent the rest of life learning to get in touch with those emotions to be the best man he can be.
It's a life that has had its share of triumphs and tragedies. The couple's 21-year-old son, Ian, died from an accidental drug overdose in 2007.
"I had a great family who was not emotionally connected," Follis said of growing up in Kansas. "I don't live there emotionally any more."
Follis, who lived in Champaign-Urbana for 43 years and now lives in Phoenix, where his wife grew up, writes of the journey to connect his emotional and spiritual lives in a new book titled, "Leaving the Land of Numb."
"It wasn't until I was in my 40s I decided I'm not going to be fine," he said. "I'm really going to be present. That's when the magic happens when you can really feel painful or positive emotions. And fine isn't one of them."
Follis believes that suppressing one's emotions is a coping mechanism — a mechanism most people don't realize they're using.
"It's not taught. It's caught. Most people learn to be just fine when they're 5 years old," he said.
Follis moved to C-U in 1978 as a newlywed and worked in campus ministry and later was on staff at Vineyard Church. In 2010 he started a pastor-to-pastor ministry.
"I mostly work with pastors on the connection between their emotional and spiritual life," Follis said. "Pastors, sometimes they're from the land of numb. They take care of everybody else's emotional and spiritual needs, but not necessarily theirs. You work in a church, you get hurt. Not everybody likes the pastor."
Follis says pastors say they are going to be transparent. Some are. Some aren't: "No, I'm not going to tell you how I really am. If I'm vulnerable, you might hurt me. If you are totally present you might get hurt."
A common misconception, he said, is that pastors don't really feel. Follis said, however, that it's a job with "tons of emotions," and they can run the gamut from one hour to the next.
He told of a pastor who was feeling upbeat after he attended Cub Scout ceremony for a youngster who had won an award. People thanked him for being there.
"As soon as I got home," he told Follis, "I sat my backpack down, and my door bell rang. One of the teenage kids in my church was killed in a car wreck.
"You can see why some pastors go numb."
Follis has had his share of emotional trauma. He was divorced as a teenager — his church rejecting him as a result.
The death of his son brought Follis and his family to the depths. He writes candidly about what it's like.
His marriage survived, but many don't make it past such a tragedy.
Follis questioned God, was angry at God and said so in language not always considered polite.
He said he found a "new vision of the richness of the emotional life of Jesus."
"I was finally realizing that Jesus wasn't only the meek and mild figure so often presented in paintings. He was not merely a man staring off into space while holding a little white lamb."
He was a man who knew he was going to die for humanity and went through it anyway. He didn't hide his emotions as some stoics think he should have.
Follis said he's done many funerals.
"People are numb, but still some people don't know how to fully navigate that grief. I've worked hard at it, helping pastors navigate it — maybe the loss of a ministry, the loss of a parent," he said.
Follis said his parents were good people. His father was the manager of a large public utility company.
"Out there everybody was just fine, dads, moms, kids, cats, dogs. When you're in that land, it's hard to be fully present."
"Jesus was never just fine," Follis said. "He had painful emotions. He had positive emotions. He argued with Pharisees. He wept with people. He cared for women who were in trouble. That's not what I was taught when I was a kid: 'You dry those tears or I'll give you something to cry about.' "
Follis said in the back of his journal he has a list of 500 emotions, either painful or positive.
Since the day he met his wife, he knows she has always known what she's feeling.
"Me, I've got to pull my list out," he said.
Some of those emotions include abandoned, abused, accused, admired, adored, adventurous, controlling, courageous, fearful, idiotic, ignorant."
Follis said he was "pretty emotionally healthy" when he lost his son.
"I grieved hard, and I grieved well. I know how to grieve," he said.
Follis tells about his continued weakness following his son's death, in part because it allows people to tell the truth about themselves.
"When a child precedes you in death," Follis said, "we all get robbed."
Follis writes about it, and writes about it well in "Leaving The Land of Numb," which is available on Amazon.
Riggs honored upon Navy retirement
Darin Riggs of rural Sidney was honored June 3 upon his retirement from the Navy and Navy Reserves after 20 years.
The ceremony took place at Riggs Beer Co., Urbana, which he co-owns with his brother Matt.
Also honored for his retirement was Phoenix resident Travis Gentz, who served with Riggs when they were on active duty at Sixth Fleet headquarters in Naples, Italy.
"The Navy is big on traditions and ceremonies. We had a guest speaker and a bunch of our old friends from the Navy days," Riggs said.
Vice Admiral Jeffrey Trussler served as featured speaker.
Riggs spent 10 years on active duty and 10 more as a reservist.
He was originally commissioned into the Navy from the University of Illinois Naval ROTC program, which lent for the ceremony its ceremonial bell from the USS ILLINOIS — typically rung at Illini home football games.
Ellis wins car show honors
Julie Gallo Ellis received the Colton Choice Award for the top entry in the 2023 Colton John Wright Memorial Car Show July 8 at Danville Village Mall.
The one-of-a kind award was made by Mr. Wright's uncle, Kevin Smith of Peoria.
"This award means so much to hand out as we, as Colton's family, give it to the car we feel is the vehicle Colton would have chosen as his favorite," his mother, Amy Jo Thompson, said.
Mr. Wright bought and installed red leather seats in his convertible, which Ellis has on her vehicle.
A total of 55 awards were handed out.
The top five winners in each category:
Motorcycle/ATV
Mike Shier
Bill Wallpe
Matthew Morrison (won with two entries)
Nick Hord
Shawn Bennett
Mike and Candy Parrish
Andrew Davis
Michelle Burks
Brenda Lowe
Top Antique Car
Gale Hafner
Dylan Decker
Alan Howard
Mark Brasel
Lawrence Jajn
Top 1998 or newer
Leighton Meeker
Bethany and Ben Bradfield
Karen Grove
Bill and Marilyn Burton
Rick Estes
The date for next year's show is June 1, at Danville Area Community College. All proceeds go to the Colton John Wright Scholarship Fund at DACC.
HONOR ROLL
On Saturdays, we tip our hats to academic award-winners from our area.
Submit information at dhinton@news-gazette.com.
DEANS LIST
Millikin University (Decatur) — Reagan Crouse, Sullivan; Anna Quick, Ivesdale; Kelsey Jacobs, Rachel Silvey, Kaia Garbacz, Chloe Buzicky Mahomet; Rebecka Ngoya, Rantoul; Adriyanna Patterson, Georgetown; Leslie Anukwu, Cat Frank, Kyle Jordan, Lisset Macedo, Maci Walters, Danny Lack, Luke Kelton, Nate Kelton, Champaign; Hannah Uebinger, Kendra Barbee, Monticello; Elizabeth Hulick, Johanna McCabe Donovan Tolono; Megan Schippert, Taylor Schippert, Watseka; Isabella Benning, Sullivan; Bre Black, Bondville; Braylen Kean, Awstace Grauer, Gibson City; Ally Pruser, Clinton; Timothy Klein, Urbana; Mitch Pollock, Newman; Emerson Thorlton, Bismarck; Callie Warlow, Charly Warlow, LeRoy; Mia Brandenburg, Cerro Gordo; Elyce Knudsen, Philo; Caleb Bleich, Melvin; Elyssa Clanton, Fisher; Ry Johnson, Weldon.
Ashlyn Voyles was crowned Miss Farmer City-DeWitt County Fair Queen during Tuesday's pageant. Cora Stetson was selected as junior miss, and Tennison Hedgespeth as little miss.
Witzels name employees of the month
Don and Deanna Witzel of the Witzel Family McDonald's have named their July employees of the month: Hometown Stars McDonald's — Jameriah Vance; Classic Rock-n-Roll, Mikayla Cox, Oakwood; Leanne Snow, Georgetown; Lydia Davis, Hoopeston; Wyitt Wagers. Neighborhood McDonald's — Nick Wells, Covington, and Isabella Edmond.
