How to deal with children’s sibling rivalry

As adults, we might joke around about being the favourite child, or get into a blazing row at Christmas because an innocent family game of Monopoly turned into World War Three.

And it’s easy to laugh off these incidents and remember that you love your bro or sis really – but for children who are still developing social and emotional skills, sibling rivalry can cause serious upset.

“It is healthy for young people to experience some competition,” says Matt Buttery, CEO of Triple P Positive Parenting Programme. “It can help motivate them to do well in performance settings, such as in school and in sport.”

There are limits, however, and it’s better for everyone if brothers and sisters aren’t doing battle on a daily basis.

“Relationships can’t thrive when there is constant competition, bickering and fighting over toys, games, or who’s getting attention,” Buttery continues.

“Research has shown that early sibling aggression and rivalry, when not dealt with, can lead to ongoing learning, social and mental health problems.

“It can be distressing for parents too, if there is conflict between their children, and it can interrupt the normal rhythms in a home.”

Without realising it, parents might foster a ‘winner takes all’ attitude amongst their kids.

“Sometimes, parents give a so-called compliment or prize to one child, not really not taking into account that it’s starting to create labels,” says senior family therapist Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari, author of Small Steps To Great Parenting.

“For example, ‘you’re a good eater’, ‘you’re very academic’, ‘you’re beautiful’ – even the positive comments that parents give children can start to sow the seeds for competition.”

Birth order can also pay a part, she adds: “The older child might feel that they lost their place in their parents eyes because there’s another child – this creates some tension.”

To mark Siblings Day (April 10), experts explain how to encourage co-operation among siblings and what to do if conflict arises…

Set clear family rules

“Having a few simple family rules for playing with others is a great first step, including things like taking turns, being gentle, and using kind words,” Buttery advises. Take into account their age, so that rules are age-appropriate.

By having these things in place, children know what’s expected of themselves and each other. “Take time to discuss them with your child or young person. You might want to use the same rules as those at their preschool or school,” Buttery adds.

Provide positive encouragement

As children grow up, they begin to develop social skills and understand co-operation.

“When you see your child sharing or turn-taking, provide positive encouragement, praise and attention, rather than focusing too much on negative behaviours and telling them to ‘stop fighting’,” Buttery says.

“Similarly, activities like board games or card games are great ways to teach co-operative play. Your child will learn a great deal by picking up social cues from how you behave and interact with others.”

Reward effort not success

While offering rewards can be a good incentive for school work or extracurricular activities, be mindful of focusing too much on things like exam results, test scores or medals.

“I tell my kids: ‘The number doesn’t tell me anything about who you are – if you work hard, it’s more impressive’,” says Ben-Ari. “The prize needs to be about effort, about patience, about being a good friend, about being kind, rather than the end goal of what we call in our culture a success.”

Be a coach not a judge

When it comes to handling conflict, Ben-Ari says it’s better to think in terms of coaching kids, rather than acting as judge and jury.

“So when you step in, you’re not taking [sides], you’re reflecting what you see. For example: ‘I see two of you want to play with the same toy. That’s interesting. I trust that you will figure it out’.”

In the case of physical altercations, however, safety always comes first.

Ben-Ari adds: “We say, ‘I see two brothers who are very dangerous to each other, so it’s time to relax. Each one of you go to your rooms and we will talk about this later’.”

Don’t focus on fairness

“That’s not fair!” is a phrase kids will often whine – but parents don’t always have to divide their attention entirely equally.

“I will say to a child ,’I will finish the story with your brother and I will come to do your project’,” Ben-Ari explains, rather than specifying that each child gets the same amount of time. Because maybe one needs five minutes, and one needs half an hour. Or maybe one of them is having a difficult time and they need more time.”

Don’t play favourites

“We all know who is the favourite child – this is the funny thing,” Ben-Ari says with a laugh – not that most parents would ever admit it. What’s important is that parents spend quality time with each child individually.

“They don’t want to know if you love them more or less,” she explains. “They want to understand their uniqueness in your life. So another way to say it is, ‘I love you uniquely, no one can take your place in my heart’.”