Dear Rachel: ‘How do I make clear that any partner would need to be pretty damn adventurous in bed?’
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Dear Rachel,
My last relationship was the affair that ended my marriage and, perhaps because of this, it started with a sort of steamy intensity that made it clear – immediately – that my partner was highly sexual. This indeed turned out to be the case and we had outstanding, often kinky sex in which we were both confident pushing the boundaries.
I now know that this sort of sexual relationship is the only one which would bring satisfaction. And yet… when dating (whether online or in-person) and seeking a life partner, how on earth do you make clear from the start (without looking like a total perv) that any partner would need to be willing to be pretty damn adventurous?
- Mr D.S, London
Dear Mr DS,
Phew, I may need to take a cold shower after even reading that. I take note of the swashbuckling Flashmanesque final flourish of your missive. Of all the letters I’ve had since inception, this is probably the “sexiest” in that you are not presenting with a problem, but with a dilemma: how do you find a life partner who will satisfy your late-onset lust for kink, for ever and ever, amen. It’s certainly a fresh take on “for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health”, but we will come to that. I have to admit as a woman d’un certain age myself that I can see a yawning chasm here, as TS Eliot summed it up: Between the idea/And the reality/Between the motion/And the act/Falls the Shadow.
What I mean more prosaically is that your fantasy, or idea, will dissolve at some point on contact with reality, but let’s tread lightly on your dreams and start by addressing the short-term rather than the long-term issues you face first. How do you signal to a potential partner that you have run your freak flag up the flagpole and you want to let it fly free, ideally forever? Well, there’s a very simple answer to that.
If you’re on the apps, Feeld is the one for you as it has a bewildering range of tastes and proclivities and preferences and I’m sure you would feel very “seen”. As the site advertises, “Feeld’s ever-evolving platform creates safer, more inclusive spaces online and IRL (that’s in real life) for everyone to express and explore gender, sexuality, and desire outside of existing blueprints.” You don’t say how old you are but that’s irrelevant.
You are moving with the times. Dating apps like Feeld are simply reflecting changes when it comes to gender, sexuality and relationships. All you need to do is set your profile to warn (or excite) future dates that you are into kink, which I suspect a subject for another time as like everything else this covers a multitude of sins, from the occasional use of a blindfold and some gentle tying to a bedpost to gimp masks in sex dungeons and everything in between. (Or so I am told. My bestselling naughty novel would be titled “Fifty Shades of Greige”.)
If you have met someone on Feeld who is fully briefed as to what you’re after, that’s very different to someone you have met IRL and who will be blissfully unaware of your “needs”. If you’ve met someone more organically, she’s a friend of a friend, I suggest you break the news to her gently.
As far as she’s concerned she’s a single Pringle ready to mingle. She may be looking for husband material. I wouldn’t on that basis bring out the dog collar on your first date, not straight after a bottle of sauvignon at All Bar One anyway, and you may have repaired back to one of your residences. I wouldn’t try to lead her on all fours into your red room of pain straight away, is what I’m saying.
But you could at some point, if the occasion arose, ask if she has ever done anything more experimental or adventurous than plain vanilla missionary-style bedroom activities and gauge her reaction. Marian O’ Connor, a psychosexual counsellor, gives further pointers: “You can start with something very gentle, such as a full body massage while the woman is blindfolded, and if she finds this pleasurable you can expand it,” she suggests.
Her mantra is that all consensual sexual relationships are based on negotiation, or should be. One partner wants one thing, one partner wants another, and what they end up having, she says, may be something in between. O’ Connor echoes my fears that your fantasy of having Mrs Kinky Boots in your bed long-term is very likely to be frustrated.
“A relationship is not just about sex. He is very excited about all this, but there are two people in a relationship, and he needs to be aware that sexual preferences may change over time,” O’Connor continues. “I’ve seen couples for whom kink was a big thing at the beginning when the relationship was highly charged and adventurous. They may come to see me when he’s still into it, and she’s over it, as kink is not her dominant sexual script. He asks, ‘Would you like me to tie you up?’ but she’d far prefer him to be putting the bins out while she had a cup of tea or got on with some knitting.” We all know that couple. Particularly her.
Dear Rachel,
How do you entice your husband to consider Viagra…? Really missing the intimacy of some great sex!
- Anon
Dear Anon,
I put your question to a former Prime Minister (and you may not guess which one, we do have eight living former PMs, they should form some sort of union) and they said, “Go to Boots.” I don’t know how old your husband is, or whether he has any health issues, or whether you’ve maintained your sexual connection over the years (all these are important details – so fuller letters please) but how about trying to say to the old man, “I still fancy the pants off you. You’re gorgeous. I wish we had more sex. How would you feel about trying…something to get our love life back on track?”
Most men would be thrilled! It’s not as if he can be unaware of Viagra, or Cialis, or whatever, as telly ads are replete with post-coital silver foxes waltzing in bare feet with their satisfied partners. As a couple, they do seem to be presenting with ‘loss of desire in the man,’ says Sophie Haggard, a relationships counsellor, “but this requires a bit of probing. Does she want to revive their sexual relationship as much as she thinks she does? What might he be ‘holding’ for her? This is top shrink speak for the unconscious upsides of a partner behaving in a certain way.
She asked if you had practised “simmering” (no, me neither!) which is, as the term suggests, keeping things on a boil. My conclusion is you will have to take your bull by his horns if he’s more into pipe and slippers than snorkel and suspenders (most people are after 30 years).
We’re all living, and our marriages are lasting, for far too long. You’ve got nothing to lose (although don’t imagine the little blue pill is a magic bullet, it is daddy’s little helper – so long as he’s turned on). Just do what the former PM says and go to Boots for him.
