Dear Richard Madeley: ‘My husband wants us to move abroad and we're 72’
Dear Richard,
I am 72 and have been married to my husband for 10 years.
Prior to that, I was a single parent to my two children. For several years, my husband has talked about us moving abroad – he has lived in several different countries over the years and says he can’t imagine ending his days in the UK – and we have variously considered Portugal and Italy.
I am 100 per cent up for the adventure, although I am concerned it would be difficult to make friends at our age. But I would sorely miss my children (and five grandchildren), who I know don’t want us to leave the country.
So whether we stay or go, I will be betraying either my husband, who I love dearly, or my children and grandchildren, who I also love dearly.
I have to mention that the situation is made complicated by the fact that my husband has Parkinson’s disease. He has been incredibly courageous dealing with many professional and personal setbacks and I think he feels that moving abroad would be a positive development for once. Thanks in advance for your advice.
— Sally, London W10
Dear Sally,
Well, you’re certainly defining this choice in the starkest terms, aren’t you? You even use the word ‘betraying’! I think you’ve disappeared down a bit of a rabbit hole here, Sally. Take a few deep breaths and come back up to the surface. You need to establish some perspective.
Firstly, you say that you yourself are ‘100 per cent up for the adventure’, be it in Italy or Portugal. Good! That’s one crucial box firmly ticked. Secondly, your beloved husband is very keen on the idea and sees the move as a huge positive for both of you, and especially for his personal health. Excellent! That’s a second big box ticked.
You say your children and grandchildren don’t want you to relocate, and there’s the rub. But surely they want you to be happy and fulfilled in, let’s say, the autumn of your years? I don’t think they have the right to stop you doing this. And Portugal or Italy are hardly the outer moons of Jupiter, Sally. I just googled flights to Faro, Lisbon, Genoa and Rome. Pick your time and frankly they’re no more expensive than a tankful of petrol to the West Country and back from London or Manchester. You could all still regularly see each other – and they might have a lot of fun visiting you in your new place in the sun.
In any case, you and your husband should be making life choices primarily for yourselves now, not your children or grandchildren.
Have your adventure. We’re only here once.
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