All the Deleted Scenes We Needed From the 'Big Little Lies' Finale
Warning: This post contains spoilers for the finale of Big Little Lies.
Big Little Lies ended its second season on HBO last night with a courtroom showdown, wedding (kind of), and a baseball-themed funeral for Thomas the Tank Engine. (Bonnie slept through most of it.) It was a ponderously low-key end for a show that has given us such great memes as "Meryl with the cross on her chin," "Reese is short," and "Everything Laura Dern says." But now that the embargo has lifted, I can reveal the real issue with the Big Little Lies finale: All of my scenes were cut.
As you may be aware, most of the drama was behind the scenes this season as director Andrea Arnold's vision for the series was reportedly recut by original director Jean-Marc Vallée, resulting in a sometimes muddled product on-screen. What all of the reports neglect to mention is that I was supposed to appear in a pivotal role in every scene. So, since I have to do everything myself around here, here's a list of all the times you should have seen me in the Big Little Lies finale.
At the Starbucks
The tense relationship between Mary Louise (Meryl Streep) and Renata Klein (Laura Dern) has been one of the unexpected highlights of this season. These two people definitely should not know each other, but I'm glad they do, for insult reasons. In this scene, Renata yells at Mary Louise before Renata has had her Americano (no room for cream). I am behind them at a small table trying to write this article and live-tweeting about how this chic businesswoman just screamed "Keep your eyes on your own paper" at an older woman with a mushroom bowl cut. It is so much.
I mean, I put my headphones in and try to just ignore it, but it is wealthy white woman drama and that is my weakness. "This is a Real Housewives reunion written by Nancy Meyers," I tweet. I have also updated the Slack channel as to what is happening but am trying to keep it work-related by telling them, "One of them looks a little bit like Laura Dern. This is wild! I have to move out of Monterey. How do I afford to live here? Ever since I got bangs, all my financial problems went away."
At the hospital
I play an orderly who periodically checks in on the awkward silences between Bonnie (Zoë Kravitz) and Bonnie's Dad (Martin Donovan). At one point, I come in and see Bonnie pick a pillow up and hold it above her mom's head. I clear my throat and say, "You're not about to, like, murder your mom, right?" And she says, "Oh, no; we're just creating suspense that we will immediately dissipate in the next shot. No need to pay much attention to this, actually. Will we ever find out what happens with Bonnie's mom's health? Probs not! Remember when she was psychic? Anyway. I'm sleepy. Goodnight!"
In a flashback!
Amazing that we got so many of those this season and yet none of them showed me at the fundraiser, dressed like Elvis, pushing a detective out of the way to ask if the open bar was still serving.
At Madeline's house
I show up thinking they're having a Midsommar party because of all the flower crowns. Well, these people are always having elaborate costume parties! It makes sense. But no. It's a vow renewal. And it's private. And now I just have this very realistic bear costume for no reason. I really have to move out of Monterey.
In the courtroom
I am in the back of the gallery loudly asking questions like, "So, can anyone just pop off and start giving statements in family court? Is that how this works? In that case, I've prepared a brief monologue from Fences by August Wilson. It's the one where Troy says he doesn't have to like his son. On theme! One moment, please—I'm going to do some warm-ups in the hall. Also! Before I go, wasn't Mary Louise trying to figure out who killed her son? Did that just...end? This is truly wild. Don't people have to introduce things into evidence or something? You can't just play a video in the middle of someone's testimony like you're Marvel dropping a trailer at Comic-Con! This is not how things operate on The Good Fight. Anyway, don't mind me. I'm going to just do a couple of exercises in the hall and then I'll come back and do the pieces I prepared, and possibly a tap solo."
In jail
At the end of the episode, after everyone's lives seem to get relatively back on track (or in Renata's case, very much off the train track, in a cathartic way), Bonnie sleepily decides to drive to the police station to confess. She texts all the other women "LOL I'm so random" and the rest of them show up at the station to...confess also?
I am in this scene. I have been arrested after being cancelled for my tweets (in Monterey, being cancelled is a crime punishable by death).
I can be seen sitting in a holding cell, yelling as they walk in. "How did you all get childcare in the middle of the night? What's the plan here? You are all going to jail PERIODT. Jane's going to have to call out of work. Who will feed the stingrays? What is the plan for Amabella? I feel like this is unsatisfying in many different ways. You hear that sound? It's Mary Louise making an illegal U-turn across 6 lanes of traffic on the 101 after she hears Celeste has been arrested as an accessory to murder. This is messy, y'all. I have got to move out of this town. Everybody spends all their time in coffee shops and nobody knows how to do crime! Oh—and can anyone tell me what show the community theater is doing this season? I have a brief monologue prepared."
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