Did ‘The Batman’ Really Need to Be Three Hours Long?
This is a preview of our pop culture newsletter The Daily Beast’s Obsessed, written by senior entertainment reporter Kevin Fallon. To receive the full newsletter in your inbox each week, sign up for it here.
This week:
Good lord, that Batman movie…
The Entenmann’s crumb cake means so much to me.
Have you thanked God for Kelly Clarkson today?
An award show where good things actually happened!
My Lifetime Spent in a Theater Watching ‘The Batman’
I was starting to feel left out, so I saw The Batman this week. The film is, as one would expect, a massive box-office hit, and reviews for Robert Pattinson’s go at the Caped Crusader as well as Zoe Kravitz’s take on Catwoman have been largely kind. IT IS ALSO THREE HOURS LONG.
Excuse me, I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just still reeling from that outrageous running time. Let me instead articulate it in the grand tradition of recent Batman actors’ marble-mouthed, grumbled, barely intelligible hoarse whispers: it is also three hours long.
That’s almost enough time to watch both Sister Act and Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, something I very much wish I had done with my evening instead—though that isn’t exactly fair as it is typically something I wish I had done with most evenings. But the fact of the matter is that I did watch three hours of The Batman, and so I am doing the only thing I can think to do to make it worthwhile: I am turning it into content.
Behold, my thoughts about The Batman.
First of all, was Robert Pattinson always so… big? It’s a question I pondered over the course of three hours, at one point losing myself to mental calculations about what his height and shoulder span might actually be. If we’re going to entertain this idea that DC superheroes must, at all costs, be more brooding and angstier than your average teenage Taking Back Sunday fan circa 2004, then his casting is less of a surprise, out-there choice than I had originally thought. It was after two of the three hours that I realized, you know what, this Bruce Wayne makes a lot of sense.
The Riddler’s little greeting card puzzles were cute. Nearly three hours in, I was afraid that the local Gotham Hallmark was going to run out. Jeffrey Wright’s Commissioner Gordon was obviously the best character, and he and Pattinson had great chemistry. As we approached the final hour of this three-hour movie, they had a scene that was so cute I spontaneously shouted, “Kiss!” I was really into the practical effects and stunts here, in stark comparison to the Marvel Cinematic Universe films. There were a lot of them throughout the course of the movie, which, at three hours, was long enough that I ordered a second dinner at the waiter-service cinema where I was watching.
It rains so much in Gotham. I watched it rain for three hours. Zoe Kravitz was riveting as Catwoman, not taking the bait to make her performance too affected but still rising to the more operatic and cheesy moments. There were times, in the course of this film that was three hours, that I forgot she was in it; a pleasant surprise when, after a lifetime, she returned! Of course, the traditional gratuitous shirtless shot and the slow zoom on the rippling muscles New Batman Actor worked so hard to attain were much appreciated. They showed up twice, little horny alarm clocks ringing over the course of three hours.
Did The Batman need to be three hours? Absolutely not. No movie does. Inspired by making things go on longer than they need to or should, find more of my thoughts below:
We’re All in Mourning
There are people in this world whose impact on your life is immeasurable, who influenced and changed who you are on every spiritual and molecular level, but whose great work often goes unnoticed or unappreciated until tragedy, sadness, and mourning bring it all into sharp focus. So pour some powdered donut holes for the late Charles Entenmann, the last of the family behind the baked goods empire responsible for my cherished memories as well as several long-term health problems.
Entenmann’s cakes are family (if you know, you know). The way that crumb cake was just always… there. The raspberry danish, an absolute treat. I can close my eyes right now and feel the sensation of peeling the chocolate frosting off the fudge iced golden cake, like a blanket. That should be alarming. Instead, it just feels right.
It’s incredible that so many people know exactly what an Entenmann’s cake looks and tastes like, and that they were such an integral presence in all their lives growing up. When I read the news about Mr. Entenmann, my instinct was to gather in the bakery section of a Long Island Waldbaum’s to say goodbye, but apparently the grocery chain has closed. What other fresh hell will 2022 bring?
Name a More Iconic Duo. I’ll Wait.
At the 2022 Academy of Country Music Awards, Kelly Clarkson paid tribute to Dolly Parton, the show’s host, by performing a flawless, inspiring, heartrending, life-altering, perhaps even holy rendition of “I Will Always Love You.”
Streamed on Amazon instead of airing on a typical broadcast network and staged in a Las Vegas arena as a giant concert instead of the traditional kudos fest, the ACM Awards were positioned as an experiment that could represent the future of award shows, particularly as ratings for the once-popular events have taken a nosedive.
If the future of award shows is that they’re hosted by Dolly Parton and Kelly Clarkson drops by to absolute murder a cover ballad, then sign me up. (Watch it here.)
In a Twist, Good Things Happened at an Award Show
At the Independent Spirit Awards, the Best Actor and Best Actress trophies went, respectively, to Simon Rex for Red Rocket and Taylour Paige for Zola. These are two of the most thrilling, outrageous, funniest, and most unexpected performances of the year, in two of my favorite films, each of which caused a stir with film critics for the ways in which they broke storytelling rules and casting norms.
Of course, that means neither Rex nor Paige are nominated at the Oscars in these categories. But let this at least be fun news to celebrate, as well as a reminder that you should watch these movies!
What to watch this week:
Turning Red: A new Pixar movie just when we could all use a good cry the most! (Fri. on Disney+)
The Adam Project: Any new family-friendly film that gives Jennifer Garner a reason to post this 13 Going on 30 reunion photo is worth it. (Fri. on Netflix)
Minx: Like Mad Men, but about launching a ’70s “erotic magazine,” and therefore more fun! (Thurs. on HBO Max)
What to skip this week:
Beyond the Edge: The idea of a celebrity season of Survivor is a lot less appealing when the term “celebrity” is used this loosely. (Wed. on CBS)
Gold: Did any of us realize that Zac Efron had a new movie coming out this weekend? My Google Alert must be broken. (Fri. in theaters)
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