Did a billionaire GOP donor buy Clarence Thomas part of the moon? Mind your business.

And now, a message from the U.S. Supreme Court regarding Justice Clarence Thomas:

Members of our staff recently ascended the steps of the ornate, gold-embossed mahogany thrones in our chambers to deliver the daily reports we call “news of the commoners.”

It was then we learned of new accusations against our colleague, Clarence Thomas. A bumptious publication called ProPublica reported that Harlan Crow, a billionaire Republican donor and one of the greatest men to ever live, paid the boarding school tuition for Justice Thomas’ grandnephew, a boy our colleague has raised as a son. That gift was never disclosed.

This comes after the same publication reported Justice Thomas and his family have gone on many luxury vacations with Mr. Crow, and that those trips were never disclosed.

Luxury? You call fewer than three yachts luxury!

First off, we take umbrage with the word “luxury.” The vacations in question involved fewer than three super-yachts, a mere baker’s dozen butlers and there was nary a gold flake on the afternoon caviar. Hardly luxury.

As far as the tuition payments go, we would ask the American people: Who among us has not had a well-to-do friend who invests millions in conservative politics and also wants to pay for the education of one of our children? (We would ask the American people that, but it would require us going near them, which is not something we wish to do unless they have been properly bathed.)

To the question of whether Justice Thomas should have disclosed these acts of saint-like kindness and possibly recused himself from any cases that directly or indirectly involved Mr. Crow or his always-correct political interests, we say: Which part of “supreme” do you not understand?

Please stop pestering us with your decidedly non-supreme questions

We are the Supreme Court, and as such, we stand above all others. We can assure the American people we are impervious to influence or large barrels of cash left next to the third dumpster in the alley behind the Supreme Court building on Tuesday nights, and the very idea that our integrity can be purchased is deeply insulting.

Still, we understand how non-supreme people might dislike the optics of Justice Thomas’ perfectly normal relationship with a billionaire who constantly gives him things. So, to appease you lesser folk, we will preemptively address other issues that might soon arise.

Some minor moon-property ownership. Big deal.

In 1998, Mr. Crow, working through NASA and the broader international community, purchased one-third of the moon. He then gave Justice Thomas the deed to the moon property as a 50th birthday present. That gift was not reported, as there are no rules on lunar-property donations, and none of us feel Justice Thomas’ ownership of one-third of the moon could in any way impact his judicial integrity or his ability to control the tides.

Who doesn't have a fountain on their yacht? Yeesh!

Is the sprawling back deck on Justice Thomas’ third mansion made of stacks of $1,000 bills Mr. Crow gifted him for "minor back-deck enhancements”? Perhaps. But the mere possession of a money-deck would never influence a Supreme Court justice's decision making, nor would the fountain of molten gold that runs 24-hours-a-day on Justice Thomas' super yacht, which we're told Mr. Crow gave him in exchange for several acres of moon land.

What Justice Thomas and his close friends do with their moon land is none of the court’s business and certainly does nothing to impugn our broader reputation.

We here at the Supreme Court do not want our money showers interrupted by pesky common folks

Is there a large pneumatic tube that runs directly from Mr. Crow’s home vault in Texas to Justice Thomas’ desk drawer? Yes. But that does not mean the justice is in any way influenced by occasional “cash blasts.” These are just normal things that happen when you are supreme, and you shouldn’t be worrying about them.

To conclude, we acknowledge that Justice Thomas has a backyard water park filled with diamonds, but that was a simple act of kindness by Mr. Crow, the sort of thing lifelong pals do for each other from time to time, or possibly all the time depending on what matters are before the court.

We denounce all calls for Supreme Court ethics reforms and will not be answering questions from Congress or from anyone who has not taken us on lavish vacations.

You simpletons just mind your own business. We’ll be spending the summer at Justice Thomas’ moon mansion, literally looking down on all of you.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Did Harlan Crow pay tuition for a relative of Clarence Thomas?