Different Drum Humor: Matching wits with Midwest season changes

Those of us who grew up living in the Midwest (and still reside here) have always had what I consider to be the “luxury” of distinctive seasons. We have such a variety of weather conditions that help us either to appreciate the weather we are having at the moment (when it’s good weather) or to appreciate that we don’t always have the type of weather we are having at the moment (when it’s crappy weather). So one way or another, we have no reason to not be grateful for what we have.

I’m uncertain what it would be like to live someplace where the weather remains temperate and radically unaltered over the course of the year, as I have only visited such places. But I am guessing it would feel weird to be wearing shorts and running the air conditioner (assuming I would ever do the latter) when the calendar is telling me it’s Valentine’s Day.

Part of what I appreciate about Midwest living, in addition to the Midwest approach to life I refer to as “Midwest Sensibility,” is that we note, prepare for and celebrate the changing of the seasons. Each distinct season in our neck of the woods comes with its own distinctive set of activities, foods, clothing, traditions and sometimes even rules.

Of course, this could be why we all tend to have too much stuff: accessories for every occasion to help us navigate the snow, wind, heat, ice, rain, sun, fog, drought, humidity, chill, dew, fire, frost, weeds, pollen, leaves, mud, insects and varmints. There are distinct tools for addressing and managing whatever the environment sends our way, but it’s quite mind-boggling to keep on top of it all.

Our garages, basements, sheds and vehicles are laden with equipment and supplies we may not end up even using in a given year. Our arsenals contain everything from mouse bait to mole traps; from ice-melt to snowshoes and shovels; from water sprinklers to de-humidifiers and lawn chairs; from weed-whackers to weed-sprays. Then there’re the bug zappers, the ant traps, the beetle bags, the fly swatters, the Cutter and Off sprays and the Yard Guard. And I’m barely getting warmed up.

There’s also the athletic equipment we store year ‘round for seasonal use: water-skis, golf clubs, bicycles, skateboards, assorted bats and gloves, helmets, guns, bows and arrows, sleds, ice skates, rollerblades, protective gear, tennis rackets, sport-specific shoes and boots, stadium seats, multiple balls and air pumps.

Don’t even get me started about the extensive wardrobes Midwesterners possess, from our headgear down to our footwear, for responding to the changing seasons and accompanying weather variability. They contain everything from beach cover-ups to lightweight cardigans and heavy-duty parkas, with dozens of options in between, depending on what we will be doing, who we will be with, social expectations and anticipation of the environment.

The environment is definitely the wild card here. You never know what it will throw your way, which is why we’re forced to invest in umbrellas, ponchos and waterproof boots just in case we get caught in an April shower. Don’t confuse those boots with the fleece-lined boots of winter, the high-heeled, leaf-crunching boots of fall or the lacy, toeless and otherwise ventilated boots of summer. That’s a whole lot for a person to remember, but we Midwesterners seem to.

And then there’s the right seasonal foods we must make sure we have in stock for the right occasions. Right now it’s sweetcorn, cucumbers, raspberries, multiple kinds of melons and anything else that can be purchased at the nearest farmers’ market.

At the grocery store, it’s a different story: brats and more brats; beer brats and jalapeno brats and cheese brats! And they absolutely must be grilled and washed down with lemonade or a bottle of your favorite craft brew, faster than you can toast a s’more-bound marshmallow. That’s the rule! Forget you not the potato salad or the flavor-coated pretzels that are so popular at all the outdoor gatherings this summer.

Hungry yet? Is it legit or are you just exhausted from taking mental inventory of how complicated life has become in these Midwest parts under the weight of seasonal accessories and expectations.

Kristy Smith’s Different Drum humor columns are archived at her blog: diffdrum.wordpress.com 

This article originally appeared on The Daily Reporter: Opinion