You Should Be Ditching Your "Type" If You're Dating After Divorce
The fact that you've already done the whole cohabitation-vacations-proposal-marriage-and-maybe-even-kids thing might make the idea of going in for round two and dating after a divorce pretty daunting. In fact, in 2014, more than 50% percent of women reported being uninterested in remarriage after divorce.
If putting yourself "out there" is making you nervous, you should know that this go-round will be pretty different...and ~probably~ better, says Gary Lewandowski, PhD, a psychology professor at Monmouth University and the expert behind the TEDx Talk, “Breakups Don’t Have to Leave You Broken.”
This time you hit the dating scene, you may have baggage (in the form of an ex and potentially unresolved issues)—but that isn’t always a bad thing. That's because you’ll also have tons of experience under your belt that you can utilize to make sure you’re getting exactly what you need out of your next relationship, says Lewandowski.
Below, 15 things to keep in mind as you put yourself back out there after divorce and give love another shot.
1. Rediscover yourself.
Before you start heading out on dates, make sure you’ve made time to date yourself. See, it’s easy to get lost in a marriage and start defining yourself according your partner, Lewandowski says. So, reconnect with the parts of yourself you may have neglected while you were married.
Hike that trail your ex thought would be lame, or take that painting class you saw a flyer for. This way, Lewandowski says, you'll be able to "grab hold of of who you are again and be mindful of what makes you happy"—both very good things if you're venturing back onto the dating scene.
2. Grieve the end of your marriage if you need to.
When you're spending time on your own, you may start to reflect on the parts of your life (or yourself) that you've lost because of the divorce. You might miss friends you no longer see as often, or if you have children, you might not get to spend as much time with them.
It's okay to mourn these changes—in fact, you should lean into those feelings, says Lewandowski. Divorce means very tough shifts, even if they are necessary ones. It's going to take time to come to terms with your new life, so don't rush it.
3. Reach out to a pro for help if you need it.
In order to pinpoint the many factors that contributed to the end of your relationship, you might want to bring a therapist into the mix, says Lewandowski. They can help you make sense of things that might seem otherwise senseless. For example, they might help you identify why you stayed in the relationship for as long as you did, the ways in which you may have inadvertently contributed to the drama with your ex, etc. By talking it out with a pro, you can identify healthy behavior you want to bring into your next relationship...and any unhealthy habits that you should ditch.
4. Keep an eye out for patterns.
Once you (and your therapist) have singled out the kinks that created problems in your marriage, keep them from making a reappearance in your dating life by coming up with alternative responses to the actions that trigger these patterns of behavior. Let's say you were dealing with trust issues, for example. This time around, work on talking to your partner about how you sometimes feel insecure when they stay out late. Ask them to proactively check in, and that way you won't be tempted to peep at any of their private messages.
5. Map out what you need from your next relationship.
Once you’ve had time to yourself, take another beat to identify the things you’ll need your next partner to prioritize so that you can feel fulfilled in this next relationship, says Lewandowski. For example, if you have kids, decide whether you want the people you date to have children. If having a joint bank account was a source of stress in your last marriage, decide how important it is to you that your next partner is financially independent.
One way to do this is to make a list, says Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. "Prioritize what you can and cannot live without," she says, by "writing down where you have some wiggle room and where you need to be firm."
"There is no soul mate or perfect person for you or anyone," she adds. No one is going to check off all your boxes. But it is helpful to have a general roadmap of what you want going into your next relationship so that you can ensure you’re getting what you need from it.
6. Step outside of your comfort zone…
Remember when I said dating after divorce would ~probably~ be better? Well, that will only happen if you put your dates to good use.
To keep history from repeating itself, make sure your “dates are self-expanding,” Lewandowski says. Go for a bike ride or take an art class—anything you wouldn't have typically done before your divorce. The idea is to get out of the routine you’d cycled through during your marriage. Mixing it up on dates will allow you to focus on self-development and growth—and gear up for what's next.
It'll also put you in the right headspace for a different kind of relationship than the one you had.
7. …But don't feel like you need to rush anything.
If you're trying to get into another relationship (rather than just dating around—which is also totally fine), you'll want to be certain that this relationship is right for you, says Lewandowski. Trust takes a minute to develop, so take all the time you need to build a solid foundation.
If that means talking on the phone with your dates a few times before meeting in person, do that. And if you realize you’ve jumped onto the dating scene too quickly, know that it's fine to backtrack and spend some more time on your own. Dating around is another valid option if you want to get to know some people and just have fun putting yourself out there.
8. Don’t sacrifice who you are.
Even as you step outside of your comfort zone on dates, Lewandowski says to stay true to who you are. Don’t let the work you did reconnecting with yourself after your split go to waste. “When you’re dating post-divorce, you want to make sure you’re not defining yourself purely on your next relationship,” he says. Instead, “really become centered and well-grounded in who you are as a person”—and then date someone who fits into your life, not the other way around.
To do this, says Spector, "ask yourself if you would make these sacrifices for friends or colleagues." If you wouldn't, then you're probably doing it to keep your partner around and avoid feeling lonely. There's no shame in wanting to ward off loneliness, but by molding yourself into someone your partner wants you to be, you'll end up unhappy in the long run.
9. Be transparent about your past…
Divorce can means kids, exes who are still in your life because you’ve decided to stay friends, or financial issues related to the cost of divorce. So, once you’re comfortable with the person you’re dating, don’t feel like you have to tiptoe around these subjects, says Lewandowski.
If after a few dates you can see potential, tell your date you'd like to give them a fuller picture of your current situation and share your backstory. It’s best that you and your new partner fully understand how each of you got to where you are in life so that you can move forward together.
10. …And go in for those deep conversations.
You have permission to keep the small talk to a minimum when you’re dating after a divorce. Once you’ve mapped out your priorities for this next relationship and told the person you’re dating about your past, don’t shy away from asking your date about their life goals and sharing your own to see if they line up, says Lewandowski. You might discover some things early on that would make bringing this person into your life a deal breaker. So this helps ensure you won't be sacrificing yourself or your priorities.
11. Let your friends in on the relationship.
While they might not exactly be objective relationship therapists, friends can offer pretty good insight into what you need from your next relationship. So introduce your BFF to the person you're dating, and ask if they'd even be game to go on double dates. “Your friends have a better sense about things than you might give them credit for,” says Lewandowski. They have a lot less invested in your romantic relationships but still want to look out for you. Let's say you don’t notice your new partner’s tendency to downplay your emotions the way your ex did; your friends may pick up on that and encourage you to rethink things.
12. If you have kids, be on the lookout for actions that put parenting skills on full display.
Before you bring your new partner into your family members’ lives, take a good look at how they treat wait staff at restaurants, how they respond to your stories about your children, and (if applicable) how they talk about their own children, says Lewandowski. Of course, these actions won’t be a perfect indication of how they will treat you and your family. But it may help clue you in on how patient, understanding, and compassionate they are before you take the major step of folding them into your life and the lives of your children.
13. ...And tell your children as soon as your relationship is serious.
When you choose to tell your children you’re dating someone new is totally up to you. But Spector suggests sharing the deets about your new partner "only when you've established a certainty with this new love."
“Divorce isn’t bad for kids, it’s the conflict around kids that’s harmful,” says Lewandowski. So feel free to share the news with your children as soon as you feel you have truly moved on from issues in your last marriage. When you're ready, consider telling your ex about your new partner first so that your kids don't feel like that's their responsibility. Then, sit your kids down (without your new partner there) and remind them they're your first priority, says Spector.
Encourage them to ask as many questions about what this change means for your family as they'd like. From there, you and your family can slowly start working on establishing a new normal with your new partner.
14. Ditch the idea of a type.
Since getting married and divorced, it’s only natural that you will have changed and grown somewhere along the way. What once knocked you head over heels might not be what you want or need anymore. Lean into that, says Lewandowski. If you find yourself attracted to someone who’s unlike anyone you’ve ever dated but still has many of the qualities you’ve chosen to prioritize this time around, go for it.
15. Trust your gut.
If you’re not feeling your date and you start getting the sense that you wouldn't be a good match, there's no need to stick around or hit them up again. But, if your instincts tell you your date's got potential, get another date in the books ASAP.
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