What does it mean to let go of a relationship? Tips on healing from the past, moving on.

Sara Kuburic, USA TODAY
·3 min read

Have you ever stumbled upon an Instagram post or article that talked about the power of letting go? Or, has anyone ever told you that you “just need to let it go”? Chances are, yes. And, chances are that although this has become a popular phrase, many people are confused as to what it means.

Sometimes to understand what something means, let’s talk about what it doesn’t mean.

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Letting go does not mean:

  • Pretending it never happened.

Example: Pretending that you never dated that particular person, that you didn’t get screwed over a business deal, or that you didn’t make a mistake is not part of letting go – it’s denial. And, we can’t let go of things we keep pretending weren’t there in the first place.

  • Acting like it didn’t matter.

Example: Getting on a dating app minutes after a 10-year-long relationship ended won’t take into account the emotional needs you may have at that moment. Acting like an important event, relationship or person didn’t matter doesn’t honor or allow you to process the experience. 

  • Dismissing how it makes you feel

Example: Understanding that you weren’t a good match with someone but ignoring the sadness, anger or abandonment you feel won’t help – it will likely show up at inappropriate times and in inappropriate ways. Rationalizing a past event without allowing yourself to experience the emotions it evokes doesn't serve us or help us move forward.

  • Belittling the impact it’s had on you

Example: Belittling how a past relationship has shaped your views on relationships, commitment, or maybe even your sense of worth is not helpful. Pretending the wound or scar isn’t there doesn’t make it go away –– it’s not how it works.

Florence Pugh and Zach Braff have quietly ended their relationship, Pugh said in a new interview.
Florence Pugh and Zach Braff have quietly ended their relationship, Pugh said in a new interview.

So what does it mean to let go?

Letting go is about changing our relationship with our past. It's permitting ourselves to move forward. It’s understanding how our past informs us without allowing it to define us or dictate our future. Letting go is a healthy way of moving on. It’s moving on with lessons, awareness and agency intact.

If you are struggling to let go, here are some tips:

Create distance.

Create distance from that person or event that will allow you to process and heal.

Be gentle with yourself.

Letting go is not easy or intuitive sometimes. Trusting our timing and nurturing a space where we feel safe enough to unclench our metaphorical grasp is important! Learning new lessons, especially unpleasant ones, may take some time and repetition.

Accept the circumstance.

When learning to let go, most of us are waiting for the ultimate closure (especially in relationships). We want the other person to apologize, explain exactly what happened and why. But waiting for closure is a convenient way to postpone letting go and moving on. Understanding that you can choose how the story ends is part of letting go. You get to choose how to end the chapter.

Be honest.

Do you want to let go? That may seem like a silly question but really think about it. Are you giving yourself the permission to let go? Sometimes we don't want to let go of the sadness or anger because it's our last connection to the person or experience. Take some time to explore why you might be trying to hold on and do so without judgments!

Find a Support system.

Choose a support system that you can lean on. A support system that can uplift you, validate your experience, and keep you accountable on your journey towards letting go. Your support system can consist of friends, family, or professional help.

Get perspective.

Sometimes it's helpful to think if this will matter in five months, five years, or 50 years. It’s good to remind yourself of the things that felt like a big deal that no longer matter.

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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Advice: How to let go of a relationship. Is it the same as moving on?