Quick, what do George Will, Cher, Rosie O'Donnell, Rihanna, and Karl Rove all have in common? Hint: Ask Donald Trump. Well, okay, since most of you don't have a Trump's landline, we'll make it really easy for you--he thinks they're all losers, and he threw The Huffington Post into that pool today, after they criticized his Twitter moodiness.
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Why? Well. We're not quite sure. You see, according to Trump, each of these losers is special in his or her very own loser ways. And there's more than one type of loser, according to the great comb-overed one:
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Rihanna, the Abused, Undeserving Loser: "She better get the hell out. If she goes back, she's a loser, and she doesn't deserve to have any future successes," Trump told reporters in 2009, after being asked about the singer's reconciliation with Chris Brown.
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George Will, the Cute, Greasy, Not-a-Very-Good-Speaker Loser: "I think George Will is a loser.… He actually spoke for me at Mar-A-Lago a long time ago, I was very unimpressed.… You take away his little round spectacles and his cute little greasy haircut, and I think he probably realizes he’s not a very smart guy," Trump told CNBC after Will wrote an op-ed forecasting that Romney/Santorum (remember Santorum, guys?) wouldn't be able to beat Obama come November.
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Rosie O'Donnell, Miss USA-hating, Constant, Self-Destructive Loser: "Rosie's a loser, and somebody has to fight back," Trump told Fox News in 2006 when O'Donnell had criticized Trump on The View for giving Miss USA Tara Conner a second chance after she had allegedly used drugs and drank while underage. He also said Rosie was jealous because Conner liked him more than she liked Rosie. In 2007 when O'Donnell was fired from The View, Trump told Access Hollywood, "Well, I wasn’t surprised, because she’s a very self-destructive person." "She’s unbelievably self-destructive...I sort of predicted it a few months ago when we had our little ‘spat," he added.
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Cher, Lonely Loser Similar to Loser Above: Trump tweeted this out after Cher attacked Mitt Romney.
@cher attacked @mittromney. She is an average talent who is out of touch with reality. Like @rosie O'Donnell, a total loser!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 10, 2012
Then he followed up with Fox's Greta Van Susteren, telling her:
Well, I likened her to Rosie as a loser. But I -- you know, I understand Cher and Cher is somewhat of a loser. She's lonely. She's unhappy. She's very miserable. And her sound-enhanced and computer-enhanced music doesn't do it for me, believe me.
Salon, Loser for Employing Alex Pareene: Trump tweeted this after Pareene wrote on Tuesday that Trump was "an oft-bankrupt make-believe mogul clown":
Lightweight reporter Alex Pareene
@pareene is known as a total joke in political circles. Hence, he writes for Loser Salon. @salon
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 15, 2012
Karl Rove, Basic Loser: "He’s totally into himself. He’s already got his little candidate picked out and he’s trying to get that candidate in," Trump said in December after Rove criticized the idea that Trump was going to moderate a Republican debate. "I think Karl Rove basically is a loser," Trump added.
Just to be clear, to not be branded a loser by the one and only omnipotent non-loser Trump you shouldn't date Chris Brown, get a cute haircut and glasses to hide your loserness (it will show), be lonely (definitely do not be lonely!), but most of all--don't criticize Trump. We await our induction into this fine club. Any other lessons from Trump's proficiency in loser taxonomy? Well, there's that saying, "it takes one to know one."
Photo of Rihanna via the AP.