DOUG GRAY: A return to the long-forgotten moon?

Carlton Fletcher, The Albany Herald, Ga.
·4 min read

Oct. 3—A phone rings somewhere in deep space.

Moon: Hello.

NASA: Hey there, Moon. This is NASA. Great to hear your voice.

Moon: Who?

(There is an uncomfortable silence over the 289,000-mile connection.)

NASA: It's NASA. You remember us. NASA? From the United States of America.

Moon: NASA? Hmmmm. The name's kind of familiar. You're those Apollo boys, aren't you?

NASA: Yeah. That's us. The Apollo boys.

Moon: What's it been? Fifty years? I'm surprised you kept my number.

NASA: Kept your number? Ha, ha. How could we forget you?

Moon: Quite easily, it appears.

NASA: Well, listen. That's why we're calling. We're coming back.

(Another uncomfortable silence)

NASA: Moon? You there?

Moon: I've always been here. You're the ones who disappeared.

NASA: (Uneasy laugh) Well. You see. Uh, it was kind of a money thing.

Moon: Money?

NASA: Well ... funding, let's say. And politics?

Moon: Politics, huh?

NASA: (Sounding hurt) I thought you would be more excited to hear from us.

Moon: Listen, NASA, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but I haven't been sitting around just twiddling my craters for the last 50 years. It's been busy up here. I've had a few ... what you might say ... visitors.

NASA: Well, yeah. It's just that ...

Moon: China's been here. Left me a very nice rover as a matter of fact.

NASA: But ...

Moon: Japan. India. They've come calling. Even Luxembourg. Little ole Luxembourg.

NASA: (More nervous laughter). Yeah, but we ...

Moon: Uh-huh. Luxembourg seemed to be able to dig up the spare change to come for a visit. What are they? About the size of your Rhode Island?

NASA: Listen, Moon. Can't we put the past in the past? Start off with a clean slate? I mean, we had something special, didn't we?

Moon: (Distracted) Hang on a minute, NASA. I've got a call coming in from Xi. You know, the President of China? Hardly a day passes without him checking in.

NASA: Can't you just let it go to voicemail?

Moon: I bet you know all about that, don't you?

NASA: (some desperation creeps in) At least hear us out. And if you don't want to see us again, well, we'll just have to learn to deal with it.

(No response.)

NASA: Moon? Moon? You still there?

Moon: (Bored) I'm here. Go ahead.

NASA: Great. How about this? It's called Artemis.

Moon: What's called Artemis?

NASA: Our new project. Artemis. Apollo's sister.

Moon: I know who Artemis is. I'm 4 1/2 billion years old. I know my Greek mythology.

NASA: So we thought you'd be impressed. We're a whole different country than when you last saw us. Forward thinking. Inclusive.

Moon: (Sighing) Stop. Just stop.

NASA: What?

Moon: I've heard all this before. (Sadly) It'll never be like the old days, will it?

NASA: What do you mean?

Moon: I mean before all this space exploration stuff. When I was just a romantic notion. You know. When I inspired songs. What happened to the times when I was full and there would be dancing and hayrides? The times when I was the most romantic symbol in the world. An inspiration for literature and art. Listen, NASA. Do you realize I've had no human contact since 1972?

NASA: Well, we intend ...

Moon: Don't interrupt me. There was a time when you couldn't keep your hands off me. No sooner would one group of Yanks leave than another would come rushing in. Breaking their necks to get back. Now I'm supposed to get excited over rovers and robots? And something called Artemis? Give me a break.

NASA: Listen, Moon. All that's going to change. We've already planned three Artemis missions.

Moon: Three, huh? So, I can expect visitors soon? Human contact?

NASA: Well, not exactly.

Moon: Well then, what?

NASA: You've got to be patient. The first couple will be fly-bys. Then ...

Moon: Fly-bys?

NASA: Yeah, you know ... just learning how to get there and back again. But the third one will have people on it. Landing, walking around. Everything. Just like old times.

Moon: Yeah?

NASA: Yes, ma'am! We'll be going full blast. Forgive the pun. We're gearing up for a trip to Mars.

(Silence ... buzzes and pings fill the connection)

NASA: Moon, you still there?

Moon: Mars? Really? All of this SO YOU CAN LEAVE ME FOR MARS? (Explodes) WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, NASA! I HOPE YOU AND BIG RED HAVE A GREAT LIFE. AND, BY THE WAY, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR TIDES. HAH! OR SHOULD I SAY "MY" TIDES! THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN!

NASA: Wait a minute, Moon. We can work this out. I mean, there's plenty of time for you. And Mars. We just need to plan it. And ... Moon? Moon, not the tides. Please. Moon? Are you there? (It is obvious that the connection is lost and the call is over)

NASA: Houston. It's NASA. Come in, please.

Houston: Go ahead, NASA.

NASA: Houston, we have a problem.