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Doug Wolter: Forecasting 2023; get ready for an unusual year

doug wolter, the daily globe, worthington, minn.
·4 min read

Dec. 31—Prognosticating has never been my specialty. I once told my friends, for instance, that Johnny Manziel would someday be a star quarterback in the NFL.

But we will soon ring in 2023, and with every new year comes a new opportunity to be a modern-day Nostradamus. I feel lucky, so here goes:

* January 10: The Minnesota State High School League announces that the Worthington Trojans gymnastics team, which in 2022 qualified for its eighth consecutive state tournament, will no longer have to go through the motions of actually competing in its section tourney. Instead of having to bother with such pointless nonsense, the Trojans will henceforth annually receive an automatic state tournament bid.

* March 2: The Jackson County Central Huskies dominate their second straight Minnesota state Class A wrestling team tournament, prompting rival schools to insist that next season the combined school district break up into single towns.

* April 1: The Minnesota Twins announce that they have been working with a young, publicity-shy Nepalese pitcher who is able to throw a fastball 120 miles per hour. Everyone gets excited about the prospect, until the Twins reveal his name: Sidd Finch.

* June 22: Minnesota West Community and Technical College, inspired by the excellence achieved by the 2020 remodeling of Trojan Field, announces a plan to build a brand new $1.2 billion indoor stadium near its Worthington campus. The school goes all-out on fund-raising efforts, which includes charging $5 per popcorn bag at sports events, which is estimated to bring in at least $20,000 extra dollars by 2085 — money that will go toward expanded press boxes and free Dr. Peppers for sports writers.

* July 16: Sports Illustrated magazine makes a major declaration, that to take a stronger public stand against old-fashioned notions on what constitutes desired body types in women, all future models for the annual swimsuit edition will appear fully clothed.

* August 13: The juiced baseballs that were reportedly slipped into New York Yankees games in 2022 are no longer used in 2023, and the effect is disastrous for Aaron Judge, who has hit only 14 dingers by mid-August. In response, the Yankees demand to be released from their Dec. 7 re-signing of Judge (nine years, $360M) under threat of a lawsuit to have the lively balls returned.

* August 28: The National Football League, justifiably proud of its "Stop Racism" and "Inspire Change" campaigns, is determined to insulate itself further from charges that it does not go far enough in its fight for inclusion. Therefore, any player who asks to replace approved helmet logos with such un-American slogans as "Choose Life" or "Blue Lives Matter" will be suspended without pay for two weeks and undergo diversity training from the International Nomenclature Governing Social Operating Center.

* September 9: Due to the continued shortage of referees and officials in high school sports, the Minnesota State High School League mandates that all basketball fouls, traveling violations and double-dribbling violations be called by the athletes themselves. And if that doesn't work, they will be decided by the fans in the crowd, who think they know more than the refs, anyway.

* October 27: New Denver Broncos quarterback Aaron Rodgers leads his team to a 38-17 win over the Pittsburgh Steelers. Former Broncos QB Russell Wilson, now a CBS sideline reporter, is trampled by celebrating Broncos players moments after the game ends.

* November 4: The Houston Astros win their second consecutive World Series crown, beating the Los Angeles Dodgers four games to two. Reports surface that several miniature cameras were found at Minute Maid Park embedded in small drones circling the infield while the final game was being played, igniting more rumors of sign-stealing. MLB reassures skeptics that it was all just part of the filming for a "Bull Durham" sequel.

* December 12: The Worthington High School robotics team sends a groundbreaking entry to the 2023 World BattleBots Championships in Las Vegas, a robot-fighting event televised annually on The Discovery Channel. WHS shocks the world as its bot, dubbed "Super Paycheck," tosses Captain Shrederator clean out of the ring and then proceeds to smash Tombstone to smithereens.