Drumroll ... King Dromgoole the 1st hereby decrees that life be for the better
Editor's note: Former Reporter-News editor Glenn Dromgoole recently recounted meeting the queen of England. Now, he is considering his role as king. Of all.
Last time I checked, no one had died and made me king.
But if they did, I would change things (for the better, I humbly submit) with a few pertinent decrees to address life’s little annoyances and distractions -- and maybe some concerns a tad more serious as well.
Herewith, forthwith, therewith and upwith these decrees:
∎ No subject shall be permitted to present a complaint -- in person or in writing or over the phone -- until he or she has first offered two compliments.
∎ All businesses and agencies shall provide a live (and cheerful) human being to answer the telephone during business hours. Automated answering systems shall only be activated at nights and on weekends.
∎Television crews broadcasting college football games are herewith required to also televise the halftime marching band performances in full.
∎ i shall come before e even after c.
∎ Graduation speeches shall be limited to 10 minutes, max.
∎ All church services shall include at least five hymns known by, and in the vocal range of, the majority of the members.
∎The price of roses shall be regulated during the first two weeks of February.
∎All parents shall read to their children at least three times a week commencing at any time before a child’s first birthday and continuing until the child reaches the age of 9.
∎ Throwing chewing gum on the ground shall be a felony offense.
∎ Instead of overtime periods to break ties in college football or basketball games, coaches shall choose 11 players from each team in football (five in basketball) to meet at the center of the field for an academic shoot-out of questions concerning science, math, history, geography and literature.
∎ Small family fishing ponds shall be built in cities and liberally stocked with perch. Parents may help their children bait hooks, but only children shall be allowed to actually catch any fish.
∎“Right to Complain” cards shall be distributed at voting places. People who do not vote shall have no “Right to Complain.”
∎ Only people weighing less than 125 pounds shall be sold a middle seat in an airline coach section.
∎ All presidents, chief executive officers and chairmen of the board are herewith ordered to spend one day a year doing an entry-level job – at entry-level pay. Yes, even the king.
∎ Movie theaters shall include a free bag of popcorn with every ticket.
∎ Any location selling gasoline shall provide, at no charge, air and water hoses that work.
∎ Televised political commercials are herewith eliminated for being hazardous to our civic health.
∎ The word “sucks” shall no longer be used as a synonym for “is bad.”
∎ All uneaten fruitcakes may be turned in at the Fruitcake Recycling Center, where they shall be crushed and used to fill potholes.
∎ Parents at children’s sporting events are not allowed to speak. They may applaud.
Abilene writer Glenn Dromgoole is the author of more than 30 books and is co-owner with his wife Carol of Texas Star Trading Company. This piece is from his new book, "Just Happy to Be Here: Words to Encourage, Enlighten, Entertain." Contact him at g.dromgoole@suddenlink.net.
This article originally appeared on Abilene Reporter-News: Drumroll ... King Dromgoole the 1st hereby decrees
