E.T., if you're listening, would you please land your spaceship in my driveway?

I’m glad that the mysterious objects shot down over Alaska and Lake Huron over the weekend were not extraterrestrials, because if that had been the case it would have been … rude.

Of us.

“There is no indication of aliens or extraterrestrial activity with these recent takedowns,” White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said. Adding, “It was important for us to say that from here, because we’ve been hearing a lot about it.”

Speculation about extraterrestrials doesn’t surprise me, but it does puzzle me. I find it difficult to believe that an alien civilization capable of traveling from a galaxy far, far away to our little blue planet, and back again, would do so in spaceships that could be taken down by not even our most sophisticated aircraft.

It's been speculated that I am one of 'them'

In the meantime, should E.T. actually choose to pay us a visit, I’d like to personally invite him (Or is it her? Or is it something completely different?) to drop by first at my house, landing in my driveway if that would suffice, or perhaps in the backyard.

Just be aware of the swimming pool.

And, if possible, give me a heads-up before alighting and I’ll make sure to close the dog door. We have a lovely and affectionate pitbull, but she gets snarly at the approach of any stranger or delivery person. I can only imagine the reception she’d have for a little green man. Or is it a woman? Or something completely different?

No matter. You’d be welcome at my place.

After all, more than a few readers of The Arizona Republic and azcentral.com have postulated over the years that I am a space alien, along with a number of other presumed invectives, none appropriate for a family publication.

You're not dumping politicians on us, are you?

I’ve also heard supposition from some readers that certain unnamed (clears throat … Gosar) members of the U.S. Congress can only be explained as being from outer space.

Again, I find it difficult to believe that an alien civilization capable of traveling from a galaxy far, far away to our little blue planet, and back again, would do so only to drop off – as far away as possible – say, Marjorie Taylor Greene or Lauren Boebert or ...

OK, perhaps that is not too difficult to imagine.

Phoenix Lights:People still talking about this UFO story

But it would be cruel of the Martians (or whatever they are), and I would prefer to believe their interest in us is more neighborly and inquisitive than cold-blooded. (Assuming they have blood.)

And I have questions.

Don't tell me you worked out a deal with Kushner

Did those of you from deep space know that NASA has a put together a group of experts, including a priest, a rabbi, an imam and others, to ponder how they think our world would react if life beyond Earth is discovered? Or if life beyond Earth discovers us?

Carl Pilcher, a former head of NASA Astrobiology Institute, said of the belief that humans are the only sentient beings in existence, “That’s just inconceivable when there are over 100 billion stars in this galaxy, and over 100 billion galaxies in the universe.”

Then again, there have been times in our history when considering ourselves sentient was, at best, dubious.

I can’t imagine how the America First zealots would react if real aliens started crossing our border. Good luck trying to build that wall.

Or do they already have a secret deal to get visas, something Jared Kushner might have worked out in the last administration? Is that what’s in those top secret papers at Mar-a-Lago?

If aliens seek baptism, I have just the place

A while back the priest running the Vatican Observatory said he didn’t see a problem with visitors from outer space. He said, “Just as there is a multiplicity of creatures on Earth, there can be other beings, even intelligent, created by God.”

Pope Francis even suggested that Christians should not “close the door“ on those seeking baptism, even if they are “green men, with a long nose and big ears, like children draw.“

Again, I find it difficult to believe that an alien civilization capable of traveling from a galaxy far, far away to our little blue planet, and back again, would do so in order to participate in a religious purification ceremony involving sprinkles of water.

But if that’s the case, I’d note that I am a former Roman Catholic altar boy, so my house – with its pool – could still be your first stop. Just remember to use whatever mobile service to which you subscribe (probably better than my 5G) to contact me in advance.

You know … the dog thing.

Reach Montini at ed.montini@arizonarepublic.com.

For more opinions content, please subscribe.

This article originally appeared on Arizona Republic: UFO have arrived? If so, please land in my driveway