- Oops!Something went wrong.Please try again later.
- Oops!Something went wrong.Please try again later.
In the latest installment of our ongoing investigation into "Gaetz-Gaete," Stephen examines newly revealed details of drug-fueled sex parties attended by the Florida congressman and other Republican officials. #Colbert #ALateShow #Monologue
STEPHEN COLBERT: Hey, everybody. Welcome, welcome to "The Late Show." I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. I've got to tell you the feelings are strong. The feelings are strong tonight. I don't know how you're feeling, you guys in here are feeling, but I'm feeling, I guess the word is historic. This is an historic day.
Because this afternoon President Biden announced he will withdraw all US forces from Afghanistan by September 11th, ending America's longest war, even longer than the never ending cupcake wars, a quagmire of ganush.
The war in Afghanistan has been going on for almost 20 years. To put that another way, this war is too old to date Matt Gaetz. 20 years is a long time. Those are 17th century European numbers. That's the kind of war you fight because the Spanish contessa rejected your proposal to unite the kingdoms and elope with the Duke of Saxony. Contessa!
To further put the war into perspective, it started in October of 2001. This is what Billy Eilish looked like then. It's been going on so long the first "Iron Man" movie opens with Tony Stark in Afghanistan. This conflict's older than the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It's an infinity war with no end game-- "Ant Man and the Wasp."
I was a correspondent on "The Daily Show" when the war started. Jimmy, can we show the people what I looked like back then? Haven't aged a day, right Chris?
STEPHEN COLBERT: Not a day.
CHRIS: Not a day.
STEPHEN COLBERT: That's how you be an executive producer. This war has taught us all kinds of things, like where's Tora Bora or Kandahar? What's Helmand Province? Is that where they grow opium or mayonnaise? We got to learn about Ashraf Ghani, the mother of all bombs, and Hamid Karzai's hat. We learned the rules to buzkashi. That's a real sport that can be best described as polo with a goat carcass. Also, best only described.
The cost, a tragic loss of human life and a duffel bag of your cash they called "ghost money." because spending $2 trillion with no clear definition of victory is pretty spooky.
Biden has wanted the war to end for a while. When he was VP, Joe was the most senior dissenting voice against a surge in Afghanistan back in 2008 and 2009. This war's been going on so long, Biden's been trying to get the troops out since he was just regular old. Now he's Mountain Dew Baja Blast Extreme old.
Through the whole thing our troops have always fulfilled their mission, even when Washington couldn't clearly define what that mission was. But as the war dragged on, the news stations stopped covering it and politicians stopped talking about it. Despite the fact that 2,400 service members gave their lives, the ongoing war in Afghanistan received not even a mention at the presidential debates. Oh, but how can you expect a ground war in Asia to compete with the urgent threat of windmill cancer?
Biden's announcement ending the war isn't welcomed by everyone, like South Carolina Senator and toddler who will not go big boy potty, Lindsey Graham.
- He is withdrawing forces in Afghanistan against sound military advice. Afghanistan is going to deteriorate pretty rapidly. Al-Qaeda and ISIS are going to come back. He's paving the way for another 9/11.
STEPHEN COLBERT: Maybe Lindsey's right. Maybe we have to stay there or there's going to be chaos. I mean, just look at these scenes from Afghanistan right after Biden made the announcement. No, those are Lindsey's friends.
Biden had an answer for the let's stay there crowd.
- So when will it be the right moment to leave? One more year? Two more years? 10 more years? I'm now the fourth United States president to preside over American troop presence in Afghanistan, two Republicans, two Democrats. I will not pass this responsibility onto a fifth.
STEPHEN COLBERT: Looks like you're off the hook, President "The Rock" Johnson. This war has stayed with us through four White House occupants with nothing changing.
When I bought my first house, I was getting a tour from the guy who had owned it since the early '60s. And down to the basement there was this door leaning against the wall of the utility room. And I said, oh, what's this go to? And the old man looked at it replied, I don't know. It was there when we moved in.
The war in Afghanistan is that door leaning against a wall if that door cost us $2 trillion. And now Joe Biden has decided it's time to shut that door to nowhere.
Now I'm sure there's a lot more to say about this, but I'm not going to spend any more time on it. Like Joe Biden, this monologue is getting out of Afghanistan. Because we've got our own homegrown terrorists we're trying to deal with.
A new report says the Capitol Police were told to hold back on their riot response on January 6th despite being tipped that Congress itself is the target. This report is from the Inspector General Michael A. Bolton. Bolton is scheduled to appear before Congress on Thursday, but we have a preview of his testimony.
[MUSIC PLAYING - PERCY SLEDGE, "WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN"]
(Singing) When a mob storms the Congress, they spread poop on Pelosi's shelf.
The fact that Congress was the target isn't the only piece of intelligence that was ignored. The Department of Homeland Security warned the Capitol Police that it had found a map of the Capitol complex's tunnel system posted on the ex-president's message boards. Yeah, criminals always go over detailed schematics for things they're not planning to attack. It's like that scene in "Star Wars."
- The target area is only 2 meters wide. It's a small thermal exhaust port right below the main port. But forget all that, let's just go near the Death Star and do a peaceful protest.
STEPHEN COLBERT: Despite knowing that the threat was real and urgent, officers were instructed by their leaders not to use their most aggressive tactics to hold off the mob. Of course, it was just an attack on the Capitol, not a routine traffic stop. The report also says that some of the shields that officers were equipped with during the riot shattered upon impact because they had been improperly stored in a trailer that was not climate controlled.
So in Washington, DC, in January, they have a shield that works as long as it doesn't get too cold? We haven't seen this level of negligence by officials since Florida announced their snowman lifeguard initiative.
Some officers couldn't even get the benefit of exploding shields because when the riots started the Civil Disturbance Unit attempted to access the bus to distribute the shields, but were unable because the door was locked. Uhh-- uhh-- should I lock the Capitol or the bus? The senators might be in trouble, but at least these shields made of peanut brittle are safe.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi spoke out about the riot specifically, the idea that she was a target of violence, saying, "Well, I'm pretty tough. I'm a street fighter." it's true. Nancy is always my go-to character in Street Fighter.
- The motion is defeated.
STEPHEN COLBERT: The news keeps getting more disturbing-- slash-- more entertaining about Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz seen here saying, "I can take one of you girls backstage to meet Selena Gomez." I'll catch you up on the latest in tonight's installment of Gaetz-Gaete!
- Hop in, baby, we're going to Claire's.
STEPHEN COLBERT: This morning we learned that Gaetz attended champagne-fueled sex parties with other GOP officials. I've never been so torn into my life. I want there to be a sex tape, but I don't want to dig out my own eyes with a grapefruit spoon.
These weren't your workaday champagne intercourse shindigs. They were house parties in a gated community in suburban Orlando. Is Matt Gaetz a Congressman or a high school senior? "You got to come to my house after prom. Mark's brother got us the good stuff. We're talking raspberry Mike's Hard, a premium box of chardonnay with a bird on it, and a beer that one can only describe as Milwaukee's best."
According to two women who attended the parties, upon arriving they were asked to put away their cell phones because the men did not want the night's activities documented, to which the women replied, "It's sex with Matt Gaetz, neither do we."
One attendee said that Gaetz acted like a frat type of party boy. Oh, what frat would that be? I'm-a-tap-a-minah? Better-get-a-lawya? Gonna-go-to-jaila? She also reported that Gaetz was taking pills she believed were recreational drugs. And partygoers say they shared drugs like cocaine, and ecstasy, and some had sex, adding that Gaetz liked to discuss politics. Wow! How'd that go over with the girls?
"Wow!, Congressman, that's a long story. Mark Meadows did what? And then what did Jim Jordan say?
"Oh, God, what was the safe word? Pumpkin patch. Pumpkin patch."
Another attendee at these parties was the guy Gaetz described as his wingman, former Florida tax collector and man who thinks he knows the strippers real names, Joel Greenberg. Greenberg is currently in federal custody on 33 counts of financial and sexual crimes, including sex trafficking. Now you might think this is bad for Gaetz, but it's even worse.
Because we just learned Greenberg has been cooperating with the feds against Gaetz since last year. And keep in mind, last year was five years ago. If Greenberg's been dishing that whole time, the feds could expect a Venmo payment any day now because Gaetz is [BLEEP].
And we know Greenberg threw his buddy under the school bus because last winter federal agents seized Gaetz's phone. On the bright side, that just gives Gaetz another thing in common with his dates. "Hey, Madison, I just lost my phone privileges too."
But despite how grim things are getting for Gaetz, his colleagues in the GOP aren't worried. Said one anonymous Republican, "it's just hearsay. If you had multiple 17-year-olds coming out and saying 'he paid me to travel with him,' I think that it'd be different."
Wait, it has to be multiple 17-year-olds? What's the logic there? You can't trust just one teenage girl. Her brain's all messed up from seeing Matt Gaetz naked.
We've got a great show for you tonight, allegedly. He allegedly has a penis.
My guests are Willie Geist and actress Maria Bakalova. But when we come back, I inject you with some news about the vaccine. Stick around.