Eight things you should do if you're really, really rich – but still want people to like you

This week we learnt that the King will not be paying for Prince Andrew’s spiritual healer, whose ser­vices cost £32,000 a year.

Once upon a time, news that Andrew spends a nurse’s salary on a personal guru would have been received with shock and horror; it reminds us a bit of the moment we ­discovered Carole Caplin was “lifestyle coach” to Cherie and Tony Blair – two people you might have thought were the least likely types to succumb to massages for rebalancing emotional energy. (Then again, we had Andrew down as the sort of man who would call you a poof for using hair conditioner, so it just shows what we know.)

But these days, it’s hard to take our breath away in the context of blowing money. We long ago accepted there are rich people and senselessly rich people and rich people who give rich people a bad name, and we’re pretty clear what’s tolerable in a rich person and what’s too much.

Unfortunately for Prince Andrew – and Harry and Meghan – we have a hard and fast rule that royalty can be as rich as kings so long as they stick to the old-style rules and don’t spend their money on the latest hocus pocus and fripperies. We couldn’t give a stuff about Charles’s ironed shoelaces, but when we heard about Meghan’s vegan nursery paint, we were already slightly hackles raised.

Here are our rules for How To Be Rich (if you want us to feel kindly towards you).

1. Be (old-style) royalty

One of the many reasons why Meghan and Harry have incurred our displeasure is that they have gone to the silly rich side and broken every royal spending rule in the book – eg having 16 heated carpeted bathrooms (royalty make do with one each and a bar heater on the wall). We want to see some tartan, some Tupperware, a freezing-cold downstairs loo, and kippers and kidneys congealing on the hotplate in the dining room.

2. Be insanely extravagant but also generous

Elton John is always the most obvious example of this. In an 18-month period in the mid-1990s, he spent nearly £40 million, including £293,000 on flowers, without a hint of regret or apology. At the time, he was single, so it’s anyone’s guess what he gets through now. He loves spending money, he’s godfather to everyone you’ve heard of and unofficial sponsor to the rest.

3. Give it away

Always mentioning Rod, but why not repeat that Rod Stewart is personally putting his money where his mouth is and paying for scans up and down the country.

David Gilmour has, in the past, sold a house to fund the homeless. Rihanna gave $5 million to good causes during Covid. We’re pretty happy with the way Bill Gates uses his extra cash.

4. Make sure your children are not monsters

Hard not to spoil your children if you’re insanely rich, you might say, but all it involves is taking the trouble not to. Paul and Linda McCartney did pretty well with theirs (all state educated – imagine that now). Various minted celebrities, most recently Gordon Ramsay and Daniel Craig, have let it be known that their children won’t be inheriting their millions (Ramsay’s will receive a 25 per cent deposit on a flat, apparently).

The alternative to this is the rich dads who say, “Baby, I’ll sue the wedding planners if the flowers aren’t white enough for you”, and when they weren’t white enough for Nicola Peltz Beckham, Daddy did just that.

5. Don’t be greedy

We are a bit allergic to those rich people who like to buy up chunks of countries in order to ensure they never have to glimpse the great unwashed on the way to and from the airport. Oprah used to be a saint among rich people, but then there was the Meghan whitewash interview and now she’s gone and annexed Maui (last week she bought 870 acres to add to the 100 acres she already owns).

This puts her in the company of Mark Zuckerberg, who owns a 1,610-acre estate on Kauai. Also top of the greedy list: David Beckham and Beyoncé.

6. Be very good at something

This is another reason why we’re all for Elton burning money – he’s a musical genius who kept on delivering for the fans even during the years when he couldn’t remember being on stage. We feel something similar about Billie Eilish (strong sense of duty to her fanbase). No one begrudges the hardworking artists snorting their gazillions; we’re less impressed that Kim Kardashian is worth more than Paul McCartney. Shocking fact.

7. Be decent to the little people

Very much a line in the sand. We don’t like to hear that James Corden has thrown a hissy fit about egg white in his wife’s food at a New York restaurant, and we know the difference between artistic tantrums and appearing to be an entitled bully.

8. Stay grounded

Ed Sheeran – absolutely loaded but well known that he likes nothing more than a takeaway from Curry India, in Framlingham. Likewise, Jeremy Clarkson is filthy rich, but when he pops into Daylesford for picnic supplies – as he once did on Clarkson’s Farm – he knows how much he’s being overcharged. This is in contrast to, say, Rishi Sunak, who had to borrow a Kia Rio to fill up with petrol for a photo op because his other cars are Range Rovers and someone else does the filling up.