How to End a Friendship, According to Mental Health Experts
When we form a friendship with someone, we don’t think about it possibly fracturing one day. You can’t imagine your childhood friend not being the first person you text every morning, or your college bestie not standing by your side on graduation day. But sometimes, no matter how long or how strong the connection once was, friendships end.
Breaking up with a friend or coming to terms with a friendship loss is not easy, regardless of how it happens. “The continuum of reasons why friendships end runs from neutral to more intense, hurtful reasons,” Dr. Pauline Yeghnazar Peck, a Santa Barbara, California-based licensed psychologist, explains. Some friendships gradually dissolve as years pass, schools change, and interests shift. Other friendships grow toxic.
Unlike ending romantic relationships, the guidelines to severing a platonic friendship are less talked about, but oftentimes, more painful. You’re losing a person who you cared for, trusted, and considered your chosen family. You talked in your own secret language, had Saturday night sleepovers, and gossiped about crushes. In the midst of a friendship conflict, the person you want to confide in most might be the one you need distance from.
Friendships experience ups and downs, but when you’re left feeling consistently dejected and drained from someone, it might be time to walk away. Here, Dr. Peck and Dr. Neha Chaudhary, child and adolescent psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School and chief medical officer at BeMe Health, explain how to end a friendship and how to protect your feelings in the process.
How do you know it’s time to end a friendship?
While some friendships end because of one hurtful, inexcusable act, others fracture because of repeated unhealthy habits. Over time, this person upsets you, makes you feel bad, or consistently doesn’t show up for you when you need them.
“You know it's time to end a friendship if it's no longer serving you well,” Dr. Chaudhary says. “If spending time with or communicating with that person consistently leaves you feeling drained, low, anxious, annoyed, or down on yourself, those are signs that it may be time to end it.”
If scheduling plans with them fills you with a sense of dread rather than excitement, take that as a sign. “Those could be clues from your gut, telling you that it's time to end the friendship because this person is no longer bringing joy and positivity into your life,” Dr. Chaudhary adds.
The friendship might feel one-sided, meaning it’s all give and no take. For example, you’re always there to listen when they’re going through a messy breakup or having a hard time in school, but when you try to go to them for advice and support, they brush you off. Or, you always ask them to hang out or make plans, but the invite is never reciprocated. This creates an unhealthy imbalance, and might leave you feeling used, confused, and manipulated.
Other red flag behavior includes “talking behind your back, possessiveness, competition with you, [and] negative and degrading comments,” Dr. Peck says. If you communicated your feelings and explained that you’re hurt but this person still hasn’t changed, you could take that as a signal to distance yourself.
It’s worth noting that sometimes, friendships end for no particular reason. A wise person once said, “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” The season of your friendship might be coming to a conclusion because this person moved away or started college in a different state. As time goes on and lives get busier, you two naturally grow apart. “Some friendships just run their course,” Dr. Peck says.
How do I tell someone I don’t want to be friends without being mean or rude?
Making the choice to end a friendship is hard, but actually having to go through with your decision is even harder. It’d be much easier if the friendship naturally dissolved on its own, but that’s not always the case. Confrontation can be uncomfortable, but if you’re stuck in a one-sided friendship or consistently feel diminished and let down by this person, it’s time to make a clean break.
“When deciding whether a friendship is something you want to continue to invest time and energy into, the focus has to be on you first,” Dr. Peck says.
Be kind, mature, and respectful. You don’t want to hurt this person’s feelings but keep in mind that sometimes, no matter how delicately you approach the situation, that outcome might be inevitable. “It is very possible for them to not feel the same way about the friendship as you do and thus, have a different response to it than you would like,” Dr. Peck explains. “You can’t control that but you can take some time to be thoughtful and considerate.”
How do I end a friendship without confrontation?
It helps to be clear and honest about why you’re ending the friendship. But try to be brief. “You are not there to prove your point or get into all the details,” Dr. Peck explains. “Come up with a concise and kind explanation that you are comfortable with and communicate that. Don’t get sucked into defending your position or over-explaining.”
You might get into a deeper discussion about the friendship and what went wrong, and that’s okay, as long as you and the other person remain considerate of each other’s feelings. If you want to steer clear of criticism or negativity, simply explain that you need some space right now.
“You might say to them, ‘Listen, I appreciate you reaching out to hang out. I wanted to let you know there’s a lot going on right now in my life between school, activities, and social life, and I’m trying to invest more in some closer friendships right now. I'll let you know if that changes,’” Dr. Chaudhary suggests. “That way, the message becomes about your priorities or boundaries as opposed to anything negative toward the other person.”
Ending a friendship is emotionally exhausting, and it’s most important to take care of yourself in the process. “Calm and ground yourself and choose a good time when you are not feeling emotionally activated to end the friendship,” Dr. Peck advises.
How do I end a friendship over text? Is that OK?
It depends on the friendship. “Text can be a fine way to end a friendship that is not very deep and where texting has been a common way of communicating,” Dr. Peck explains. This might be the case if you two took a class or participated in a sport together, but never really hung out one-on-one outside of that. You could shoot them a message to say it was nice meeting them and you had fun, but aren’t taking part in XYZ activity anymore.
“This is a nice way to acknowledge that the connection meant something, give some information about your next steps, and have some closure,” Dr. Peck says.
But like romantic relationships, breaking up by text is a bit more complicated if you two have a history together. Ending a years-long friendship by text might make the other person feel slighted or confused. You might come across harsher than you intend to. However, if it doesn’t feel safe to approach this person face-to-face, texting to say that you need some space is valid. To avoid an awkward text convo, another option is to distance yourself quietly by not reaching out as often, declining invites, or busying yourself with other friends and activities.
After a friendship breakup, should I block or unfollow that person?
If you’re not trying to hurt this person’s feelings and the conversation about ending your friendship went relatively well, then you probably don’t need to immediately block or unfollow them. “If this ending is more neutral and a mutual phasing out, continuing to follow them might not pose a problem,” Dr. Peck explains.
But if it helps to get over negative feelings towards them, tap the “block” button. If you choose to keep following them but realize months or years later that it doesn’t make sense to maintain an online connection, click “unfollow” then. All in all, do what feels best.
However, if this was a toxic friendship, it might be best to remove this person from your social feeds as soon as possible. “You may want to protect your own mental health by creating a clean break,” Dr. Peck says.
How should I handle a friendship breakup if we have shared friends?
If you and this person are part of a larger group of friends, expect the dynamic to shift — at least temporarily. “You will likely need to think about your needs and draw some boundaries,” Dr. Peck says. “Can you be around when this ex-friend is present? If not, then decide to remove yourself should this happen.” You might have to skip certain events or parties for a bit, but if that means protecting your mental health, it’s worth it. With time, you might find that you and this person can mingle in the same space without making things awkward or tense.
You don’t want to make mutual friends feel uncomfortable or pressured to pick sides. Respect the connections that this person has with their other friends. “It's really hard to realize that people can have very different experiences with the same people, but this is a mature perspective to hold,” Dr. Peck adds.
What should I expect when a friendship ends?
Breaking up with a bestie hurts. Sometimes, it hurts even worse than ending a romantic relationship. “You may feel anything from relief to a deep sense of loss,” Dr. Chaudhary says. Be patient and give yourself the space and time to grieve the friendship. “We don't talk enough about how hard it can be to lose a friend,” Dr. Peck adds.
Even if cutting ties was the right decision, it’s normal to feel upset and frustrated. “Ending any relationship is a loss and there may be layers of missing them, being upset with them, longing to reconnect, feeling sad, or other emotions,” Dr. Peck explains. “The deeper the connection, the more feelings you will have for a longer period of time.”
Although it’s often easier said than done, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed or guilt-ridden. Give yourself credit for taking your own needs into account. You made the vital decision to prioritize your mental wellbeing and move forward in life with only positive and authentic connections.
It also helps to take the time to reflect and think about the role you played in the friendship and its ending. “Focus on the reasons why the friendship ended and how to make friendships in the future that give back to you in a healthier, more positive way,” Dr. Chaudhary suggests. Journal, talk to family and friends, practice self-care, meditate, and if the feelings become too difficult to navigate on your own, reach out to a doctor or trusted adult to schedule an appointment with a mental health expert. Above all, “be kind to yourself as you heal,” Dr. Peck says.
You Might Also Like
