EPL TALK: Pundits and rival fans should grow up, and let Mikel Arteta have his celebratory moment

HEAVEN knows, football isn’t the place to come for a rational perspective. While we’d love to hear Roy Keane’s views on the supply chain crisis (“there’s no spirit and desire”). Or Jamie Carragher’s take on Vladimir Putin (“he’s not doing it for me”). Or even Gary Neville’s thoughts on the Republican Party (“it all comes back to the owners.”) There’s a general consensus that a cool-headed perspective isn’t required in such a tribal industry.

Even so, they’ve had a proper, irrational meltdown over Mikel Arteta’s goal celebrations, eh? Keane pulled faces. Carragher almost walked out of the studio. Neville said Arsenal’s antics smacked of immaturity (that’s the same Neville who once celebrated a Manchester United goal by running the length of the pitch to kiss his badge in front of irate Liverpool supporters, which was outstanding shithousery at the time.)

Just when you think the parodic elements of the game couldn’t titillate any further, those middle-aged men appear, like angrier versions of the zombies in Michael Jackson’s Thriller video, slowly raising a finger at replays of Arteta sprinting along the touchline after the Gunners’ third goal against Liverpool. And they kept coming. In another TV studio, Richard Keys wondered if Arteta could’ve displayed more class. Arteta may be wondering who Richard Keys is.

Not that the Arsenal manager cares. He’s too busy giving us what we're supposed to want. A human connection. A little snapshot of empathetic behaviour that connects us with a game that involves a skill level beyond our comprehension.

We can’t glide past Liverpool defenders like Gabriel Martinelli. We can’t dominate midfield like Declan Rice. And we certainly can’t embarrass Jurgen Klopp on a tactics board. But Arteta can. He did. And he ran like Forrest Gump to celebrate his moment, just like we would. We know we would.

So why pretend differently? Why the constant need to follow VAR’s lead and diminish the game’s human elements and replace them with emotionless clones? The po-faced analysis of the English Premier League is already tinged with farce, as data analysts wet themselves over passing stats and pundits ponder the length of an elbow hair as they debate another tedious offside call. The machines are clearly winning. Why must we mimic their behaviour?

Frankly, we watch football to temporarily escape this stuff. If you want earnest, cold analysis on issues that actually matter, there are plenty of newsy talking heads right now, discussing military hardware in Ukraine and strikes on Iran-backed militias; all lamenting the worst excesses of human behaviour.

A giddy Spaniard running down the touchline really isn’t one of them. Arteta wasn’t embarrassing or immature. But his critics were, falling over themselves to push out their soundbites and tweets, reminding the rest of us, yet again, that what the world needs now is more middle-aged men pointing out what is or isn’t civil behaviour. In such instances, football looks petty and small. That’s the embarrassing bit.

Faux outrage ignores more unsavoury elements of league

The most common criticism was the stakes involved. There weren’t enough, apparently, to justify a full-on celebratory dash along the touchline. Presumably, there must be a sliding scale for such things. A home win against Sheffield United is a tap of the toes. Beating Spurs is a jig in the dugout and winning the title is a naked sprint around the Emirates. Defeating Liverpool 3-1 was none of those things. As Keys pointed out, Arsenal’s victory resulted from two defensive lapses and didn’t warrant such louche grandstanding.

But that rather misses the point, doesn’t it? Arteta went for broke. Martinelli and Bukayo Saka surged forward, targeting the ever-present spaces behind Liverpool, particularly around a rusty Trent Alexander-Arnold. Without Dominik Szoboszlai in midfield and Darwin Nunez up front, the Reds couldn’t retain possession, allowing the Gunners to spring one lightning raid after another. It was a calculated gamble on Arteta’s part, one that could’ve effectively ended his campaign in February.

But it paid off. Martinelli galloped around like a tongue-flapping puppy chasing sticks. Virgil van Dijk and Ibrahima Konate were rinsed in Arsenal’s spin cycle until the dizzy pair came up with two mistakes (van Dijk) and two yellow cards (Konate). So why on earth is Arteta being punished for the crimes of his opponents?

The faux outrage irritated Ian Wright enough to post a video in defence of Arteta’s celebrations, struggling to understand the negativity around a manager who has now defeated both Liverpool and Manchester City at the Emirates this season.

And that’s the real issue, isn’t it? This selective, performative fury when it suits the agenda. There are enough unsavoury elements within the game to get the blood boiling. One club continues to use an expensive legal team to swat away 115 charges of allegedly breaching financial regulations, another is owned by a state-backed investment fund but continues to deny foreign state interference, and others are controlled by American equity giants whose interests are entirely profit-driven. Maybe these concerns do not push your buttons. Maybe these clubs are your chosen clubs. That’s fine.

But is a manager’s exuberance really the hill we’re willing to die on? Sportswashing is one thing, but Arteta’s hopscotching down the touchline is a step too far. Are we that far beyond parody?

In 2004, Jose Mourinho famously ran to the corner flag to celebrate with his Porto players after they scored a last-minute goal at Old Trafford in the Champions League. His antics were seen as refreshing, buoyant and entirely in keeping with the occasion. He reflected the mood of the Porto community. And they adored him for it (and so did the rest of us back then, if we’re being honest.)

So what’s changed? Maybe the sport has. Social media and the clickbait chasers have conspired to create these artificial, often humourless displays of performative outrage, where we constantly need to be triggered over trivial stuff, even if it’s happy stuff, like a spontaneous goal celebration with the fans. It feels as silly as it is fake.

Because if the anger is real, if an improvised moment of pure joy really upsets you, or offends your sporting sensibilities, then switch off. Or watch the news. Direct the fury towards something that actually matters, because Arteta’s fist-pumping does not matter. It really doesn’t. His goal celebrations were authentic, invigorating and a bit of a laugh, which is all we should want from a game that must remember to take itself less seriously.

Neil Humphreys is an award-winning football writer and a best-selling author, who has covered the English Premier League since 2000 and has written 28 books.

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