EPL TALK: Giddy Rashford can lead EPL through World Cup hangover

TO misquote Gianni Infantino, today I feel hungover. Today I feel confused. I know what it means to be discriminated against. As a child I was bullied - because I supported West Ham United. I went in my room and sang, I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles.

I feel for the English Premier League (EPL) because it is ready and I am not. I am still in Qatar. We all are, replaying the best World Cup in years, rewinding Lionel Messi’s best bits and sharing every cheeky meme. We are living in the recent past and I'm living off that demented speech made by the omnipotent Fifa president, looking for any feeble excuse to go back to a tournament that exceeded all reasonable expectations.

And it really did, didn’t it? The World Cup of whataboutery surprised no one with its raging divisions along tribal lines, but the football was often as sublime as it was surprising. This is proving to be a season of stranger things, where everything is upside down and a hairless monster will go to any lengths to suck the soul of an entire community before moving on to another series in four years.

Qatar 2022 was supposed to be a crass, unwanted interlude in what was shaping up to be an engrossing EPL season with Norwegian Vikings partying like it's 793 AD and a lad called Darwin suggesting that evolution is trickier among the Liverpool species.

It feels a little different now, doesn’t it?

The resumption of EPL hostilities, just a week after Emi Martinez was waving his golden bulge at outraged Frenchmen, has the air of that annoying friend after a drunken all-nighter. The head is pounding and you’re nodding off at a coffee shop at 4am, but he’s adamant on starting again with another round of shots, promising to resume the spontaneity and fun.

It could work, if Marcus Rashford comes along. The saviour of school meals for poor kids, the provider of affordable children’s books and the scorer of three goals at Qatar 2022 is close to becoming a parody of himself. He’s one good deed away from appearing in white robes, like Michael Jackson in an ill-judged music video, promising to heal the world, or the EPL at least.

And he just might, you know.

His outstanding solo effort against Burnley in the early hours achieved three things, or four, or even five, such is the gravitas of the man. First, he informed all of us that English football had indeed resumed, via the Carabao Cup, which is not so much an ugly sister to the World Cup, but a neglected foster kid that no one wants to adopt.

But no kid gets left behind on Rashford’s watch. In the 57th minute of a match that few cared about, the Manchester United forward left his Burnley marker and any World Cup demons behind to stick one in the bottom corner. The Red Devils won 2-0, but the scoreline was irrelevant.

Rashford had officially cut the ribbon on the second half of what’s going to be a surreal domestic season. He offered reassuring evidence that it’s only a matter of time before United fans are mimicking Saudi supporters and making videos asking, ‘Where’s Ronaldo? Where’s Ronaldo?’ The Portuguese legend is lost and forgotten at the Theatre of Dreams, like 4K tears in the Manchester rain.

Rashford also offered hope of sustained excellence, despite the exertions in the Qatari desert. He featured prominently through England’s run to the quarter-final – though not decisively against France (we’ll get to that in the next paragraph) - along with Bruno Fernandes, who also reached the knockout stages with Portugal. Normal service looks likely to resume in the EPL.

Will rested Haaland be even scarier?

And for anyone still clinging to the unpopular opinion that Gareth Southgate may not be the Messiah, just a very likeable boy in charge of a fine crop of English footballers, then Rashford’s spectacular finish for United would make for a fascinating ‘What If’ episode on Disney Plus. It’ll be the one where the England manager introduces his most in-form forward a lot earlier against France.

But that’s a debate for another day, when the Three Lions fall short again in the knockout stages of Euro 2024, after their brightest, fastest and most enterprising attacker is introduced for a meaningless cameo.

Until then, we have Rashford for the festive season, a gift that keeps on giving. He scored his ninth goal for United – adding to the three he put away for England – to suggest that continuity isn’t going to be a concern for him, or Fernandes, or even Casemiro, who put aside his early exit with Brazil to slot in seamlessly at centre-back.

For United, it's an early indication that Erik ten Hag is going to miss Cristiano Ronaldo at Old Trafford like many will miss Brussel sprouts at Christmas dinner. He isn’t. He’s got strength in depth, a happy camp and a resurgent Rashford.

But the noisy neighbours have a rested freak. Erling Haaland spent a lonely month making funny commercials and wondering why his fellow countrymen can’t catch opponents as efficiently as they catch Atlantic salmon. Norway didn’t qualify for Qatar 2022, which effectively means Manchester City are about to release the Kraken.

Haaland scored 23 goals in 18 games before the break and will continue to behave like a fox in a henhouse, which will be handy as City had 16 players involved in Qatar.

Arsenal do not have Haaland, or Rashford, or even Gabriel Jesus, as their attacking talisman is expected to miss three months with a knee injury. But Mikel Arteta’s Gunners do have a five-point lead at the top and the air of a giddy school party on a trip to the Singapore Flyer for the first time. They can’t believe they are so high. Everyone else is checking the time and waiting for them to come back down again.

Or maybe not. Maybe this is Arsenal’s season. Maybe Newcastle United have a serious shot at Champions League qualification. Maybe Tottenham’s weary World Cup men will reach the New Year without collapsing in a puddle of vomit at the corner flag.

Who knows? The World Cup exceeded our expectations. Perhaps the EPL will do the same. Nothing is certain, except Rashford’s unshakeable likeability. He’s a reassuring presence in these uncertain times.

With a bit of luck, ten Hag may succeed where Southgate arguably failed. And United will get the most out of their magnificent footballer.

Neil Humphreys is an award-winning football writer and a best-selling author, who has covered the English Premier League since 2000 and has written 26 books.

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