Is your ex ruining your current relationship?
When a relationship ends, most of us want to just heal and move on.
Moving on will look different for each person, but for many it involves a new relationship. After a breakup, we often mourn the future we envisioned, the person we lost or the time we "wasted." Most of us yearn for a clean break and a new beginning. So it can be very frustrating when the previous relationship creeps into our present one.
There are four common reasons this may occur. (This list is not exhaustive and it does not address abusive dynamics.)
You are making assumptions: It's easy to make assumptions in relationships, especially assumptions rooted in previous experiences. You might be tempted to assume that your new partner will need, want, prefer or get angry about the same things as your ex. If your previous relationship was filled with tension, arguments or unmet needs you may assume that all relationship dynamics are like that (thereby encouraging you to settle).
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One of the biggest issues with these assumptions, besides inaccuracy, is their ability to prevent you from truly getting to know your new partner. The assumptions – or, dare I say, projections – can shape your understanding of who they are, regardless of how they show up. This can cause misunderstandings and dissatisfaction for everyone involved. When entering a new relationship, it can be helpful to write down all the things that you have learned about relationships (good or bad) and what assumptions you hold as a result of family, friends, previous relationships, etc. This exercise can help increase your self-awareness and encourage you to be more intentional about connecting with your partner.
You are making comparisons: Making comparisons is not always intentional but, more often than not, it is unhelpful. Identifying similarities and differences is normal, but evaluating which partner is better or worse can become detrimental to the relationship. For example, evaluating your partner’s kissing or sexual performance based on a previous partner can prevent you from being present and enjoying the experience. It’s not about past vs. present; it’s about finding an individual who fulfills your needs and aligns with who you are. Comparisons can make you confuse differences for shortcomings. Maybe your new partner is not “failing you,” but just has a different love language from your previous partner. It may take time to adjust.
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You are not ready to move on. If you rush into a new relationship before having enough emotional space or clarity, it can create confusion and distance in your new relationship. If you are still rereading your ex’s texts, stalking them online, looking at old pictures, sending flirty messages whenever you’re drunk or still hoping you’ll get back together, any relationship you enter will be impacted by your feelings for your ex. The amount of energy and focus going into someone other than your current partner may lessen your interest and effort in the current relationship.
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Your motivation is wrong: If you are dating someone new is to make your ex jealous, show them that you have “moved on,” or avoid the pain the ex has caused, these motivations are unlikely to lead to a successful relationship. When our motivation is rooted in a previous relationship, we are allowing our ex to play a leading role in our current one. Asking yourself “why” you want to be in a relationship can help you ensure your motivation is directed towards the new relationship – not the old one.
It’s impossible for our previous experiences not to inform who we are or how we show up in present relationships. But, that being said, we can still choose to practice self-awareness, extract the lessons we want to take away and set boundaries that can help our past not become a hurdle for our future.
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Relationships and dating: 4 ways you're ruining your love life
