Our Family’s Attempt to Rescue a Stray Dog Just Took a Truly Wild Turn
Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
A year ago, we were out driving for some errands and saw a puppy abandoned by the side of the road. Our 7-year-old daughter, “Daisy” insisted we couldn’t just leave him there, and we wound up taking in the pup, getting him fed, vaccinated, and cleaned up by a vet and after a short, failed search to find him a permanent home among our friend circle, we decided to keep him. Daisy named him Barklekins, and the name stuck. Unfortunately, Barkelkins wasn’t the greatest pet. He got along with us, but pretty much any dog or anyone outside the family would get snapped at if they went too close. None of the training methods we tried worked, so about a month ago we got desperate enough to take him to one of those dog obedience schools, hoping the professionals could do what the amateurs couldn’t. The instructor realized the problem two seconds after we walked him in: Barklekins was an abandoned timber wolf pup.
That created not just a pet problem, but a legal problem. Timber wolves are exotic animals by our state’s laws, and that means you need to get an exotic pet license and all sorts of classes to keep him. The time and money to do that wasn’t available, so we wound up surrendering Barklekins to animal control. They say he’s going to be rehomed in an animal shelter, but the person we spoke to was very vague about specifics, and I have a private certainty that he was just put down. Daisy has been absolutely inconsolable. For all of his other behavioral problems, the wolf was always very gentle with her, and she misses her ‘dog’ terribly. She says she’s never going to forgive us for not taking the classes to keep him, after all, she takes classes every day. And she seems impervious to even listening to why we did what we did. How do we help her get over this?
—Pet Puzzle
Dear Pet Puzzle,
I went down the rabbit hole to see what a timber wolf puppy looks like, and they’re absolutely adorable creatures. It’s hard to blame your daughter for falling in love with the little fella, but at the end of the day, we’re talking about a wolf here. (Which, side note, I’m surprised the vet didn’t figure out on the spot? Might want to reconsider using that clinic in the future.) As heartbreaking as it probably was for everyone involved, you did the right thing by surrendering him to animal control.
Daisy is still very young, so she’s not going to fully understand the nuances around money and time for obedience classes, the potential legal issues around keeping him, and safety concerns. Instead, you have to let her express her anger and frustration, and keep reminding her as best you can that this was for the best, even if you feel that she isn’t listening to you. I promise that she won’t hate you forever because of this, it’s just that the wound is extremely raw right now.
All of that said, the obvious thing to do in this situation is to get a new puppy for Daisy. I mean, if you were open to having a freaking timber wolf in your house, you should be open to visiting a nearby animal shelter and have your child pick out a dog in need of a home, right? Let Daisy choose the dog, the dog’s name, etc., and once she falls in love with the new doggo, the other situation will become a distant memory. She may not be ready to find a replacement just yet, and that’s OK. Give her time, and maybe swing by a local shelter on the drive home from school one day to see how open she would be to the possibility. Eventually she’ll warm up to it. A friend’s dog was recently killed in an accident and it devastated his young children. After a month or so passed, they adopted a new puppy and they’ve moved on with their lives. If it can happen with them, it can happen with your daughter.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband (40M) and I (34F) have been together for 10 years and have two kids under 2, while both working. Needless to say, we’re in the trenches. I work 50-60 hour weeks as the breadwinner as a Director for a nationally recognized brand. When I’m home, the kids are 98 percent on my hands, whether my husband is home or not. I handle most of the household chores and all of the emotional labor as well. He works nights part-time and lately, I’ve been asking him to pull more weight and take on more work—our mortgage is killing us—so we can start saving and have a better emergency fund. His response was essentially that he has already sacrificed his dreams of running his own fishing charter company (which would take him away from us a bare minimum of 3-4 days at a time), so why should he step up and make more sacrifices if it means he’s going to be miserable?
I did my best in the moment to avoid making it a competition but I’m really frustrated by that. I haven’t had a night or day to myself (let alone the opportunity to shower or pee in peace) since my oldest was born almost three years ago. I gave up my passion for horses and dreams of being a novelist to be a mom and a professional so we could keep our bills paid. I still encourage my husband to sport fish as often as he’s able—it keeps him a little more centered and give him the chance to get out of the house. But full transparency? I’m hurt as hell because not only does it feel like he’s blaming me and the kids because he never had the chance to be a captain but also that he doesn’t recognize that I LITERALLY never get a break. Someone always wants or needs something from me, all day every day, and usually all night too, whether it’s work, the kids, our pets, my family or him. Why am I expected to sacrifice everything that makes me who I am, but he doesn’t have to step up and do the same?
—No More Sacrificial Lamb
Dear No More,
I hate to be rude to your husband, but he needs to put on his big boy pants and grow up.
It doesn’t sound like anything is really stopping him from going after his dreams—or some realistic version of them, anyway. As you said, he can engage in sport fishing, or maybe work for a fishing company part-time to gain the experience to own his own company someday. What you’re asking for in the meantime—more effort around the house and a larger contribution to the family bank account—is completely reasonable, and he should hold up his end of the bargain as a partner.
Also, this dude is being incredibly selfish by walking around with blinders on and not acknowledging what you’ve sacrificed and endured to keep your family afloat. Yours is a case where couples therapy could do wonders, freeing him of his victim mindset and allowing you space to outline how hurt you are by his words and actions. Hopefully, a few sessions will allow him to see things from a different viewpoint, but if not, I wouldn’t fault you for taking more drastic actions to gain peace in your life.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My family is friends with another family that we met through our children. We both have 7-year-olds, and we socialize at each other’s homes often. While visiting this family’s home recently, I discovered some of my kid’s belongings. These items have sentimental value, and I had a suspicion that they could have been taken without our child’s permission by our friend’s child. We have had other items go missing from our home after their visits, but until now we always assumed they had just been misplaced. I didn’t want to embarrass their child in the moment and ask about them, so I left them where I found them.
When we returned home, I confirmed with my child that they were not given away. I then told our friends what I found, making sure to tell them that if their child had taken them intentionally, that we understand that this is typical kid behavior, and it wasn’t a big deal. We assumed our friends would have wanted to know so they could ask their child how the items got there and then address the situation with the child however they saw fit. Now our friends are furious with me for accusing their child of stealing. They believe that the items were taken home by accident, and we should have never suggested it could have been otherwise.
Though I don’t believe they asked their child about them. Was it out of line to think there was a possibility they were stolen? How should I have handled this differently?
—Despised in Denver
Dear Despised,
No, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not like you shook a finger in your friends’ faces and yelled, “Your kid stole from us!” This seems like a classic state of denial where parents believe there’s no way their sweet angel could ever do something so heinous, when in fact stuff like this happens all of the time. As you mentioned, it’s really not a big deal.
The problem here is that your friends think you’re the problem for bringing this up, and they’re clearly upset with you, so I would suggest giving them a week or so to cool down a bit. At that point, I would approach them and say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry if I upset you. Trust me when I say that your child is an amazing kid whom our whole family adores. The only issue is that my child’s belongings are at your house and my child didn’t give permission for the belongings to be there. To me, this is just one big misunderstanding that can be easily addressed and everything will get back to normal. I value you and your friendship, and I hope we can move past this.”
If the parents are still unreasonably angry after that discussion, then I think you should back off again—possibly for a month or so this time—and see if cooler heads prevail. The bottom line is your kid’s stuff was at their house without permission, and you had no choice but to confront them about that. As long as you did it in a gentle way (which I’m sure you did), then it’s on them to take some accountability for what happened.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 7-year-old son has an 8-year-old friend, “Walter”. Walter’s parents feel that is it okay for their child to swear as long as the swear words are not directed at someone else. When Walter comes over to our house to play, he frequently says phrases like “what the hell?” if something doesn’t go his way, such as a Jenga tower collapsing when he is trying to build it or play with it. We don’t let our child use swear words and we are uncomfortable with Walter swearing in front of our child, as we try not to swear in front of our child. Do we let it go? Do we talk to his parents? Do we correct W when he swears in our home? Please advise.
—Swear Wars
Dear Swear Wars,
This is a very simple fix, in my opinion. You are 100 percent in charge of what happens under your roof—and that means food choices, behavior, language, etc. If you don’t want Walter cursing in front of your child inside your home, you have every right to tell him not to. In fact, you should inform his parents of your rules in hopes that it will prevent him from using his potty mouth anytime your child is present.
If you’re looking for a script when speaking to his parents, you can say something like, “I know we have different parenting styles around language, and I’m not here to judge at all. My personal philosophy is that I do not allow cursing in my home for any reason. Please let Walter know, because if it happens, I will tell him to stop.” Most reasonable parents would understand that you’re setting a boundary for your home and won’t push back on it—but nothing will improve if you don’t bring it up.
Hopefully that will be the end of it, but I wouldn’t fault you for sending Walter home if he disregards your wishes after several warnings. Remember, you set the rules to be followed in your house, not anyone else.
—Doyin
I live in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the country, but on one of the more “modest” streets—mostly doctors and lawyers and family business owners. (A few blocks away are billionaires, families with famous last names, media moguls, etc.) I have noticed that on Halloween, what seems like 75 percent of the trick-or-treaters are clearly not from this neighborhood. Kids arrive in overflowing cars from less fortunate areas. I feel this is inappropriate. Halloween isn’t a social service or a charity in which I have to buy candy for less fortunate children. Obviously this makes me feel like a terrible person, because what’s the big deal about making less fortunate kids happy on a holiday? But it just bugs me, because we already pay more than enough taxes toward actual social services. Should Halloween be a neighborhood activity, or is it legitimately a free-for-all in which people hunt down the best candy grounds for their kids?
