Family disagreements can offer opportunity for growth and increased closeness
Disagreements in families are completely normal. People living together in close quarters will inevitably discover points of disagreement. After all, what two human beings agree on everything, yet alone the three, four or more people in a nuclear family?
All families have disagreements. What differs across families is how well they manage these disagreements. I am amazed at the multitude of ways families address disagreements.
Some families minimize them by avoiding and ignoring disagreements. In contrast, other families are battlefields where everyone goes at each other as often as possible, treating even small issues as opportunities to win. Most families, of course, lie between these extremes. Many families report only addressing important disagreements and letting go of the small stuff; they “pick their battles.”
Perhaps the most intriguing families are those who consider every disagreement an opportunity for growth and increased closeness. In these families, members think that they can learn about each other and come to accept family members for who they really are, simply by listening and accepting the diversity of viewpoints that commonly occur in families. They are called pluralistic Families because they accept and live comfortably with multiple (plural) opinions on points of disagreement.
Consider the dilemma of what flavor ice cream to buy when a family can only afford to buy one container of ice cream at the grocery store. Most people would say that it is fine that children disagree on their favorite flavors of ice cream. One child likes chocolate; the other prefers strawberry. No problem, except when we can buy only one ice cream container. How can we accept the multiple view points on flavor and still solve the problem of which ice cream to buy?
Pluralistic families would explore options of how to respect the multiple opinions and therefore allowing each family member to achieve their goals. Here are some ideas:
a) Buy Neapolitan ice cream that provides chocolate, strawberry and vanilla ice cream in the same container.
b) Flip a coin to see which flavor to buy this week; then, on next week’s shopping trip, buy the other flavor.
c) If there are chocolate cookies in the shopping cart, ask if the pro-chocolate child if they would rather have chocolate cookies or chocolate ice cream, because we can always trade the chocolate cookies for the strawberry cookies.
d) Elect to not buy ice cream this week and instead buy two less expensive dessert items, such as cookies or cupcakes, so that the family can afford to buy both chocolate and strawberry desserts.\
e) Ask if either child would like to pass on selecting ice cream, if they could select another food item for the week, such as whether the ground beef in the cart will be made into hamburgers, sloppy joes or tacos. In other words, parents can suggest substituting the decision on ice cream for another decision of equal or greater value to one or both children.
Of course, there are additional options that could be generated.
The question before any healthy, normal family is not whether they will have disagreements. They will. The question is whether to acknowledge that people who care deeply for each other minimize potential conflict in the face of disagreements. Instead, they calmly state the problem and seek acceptable solutions that manage the disagreement in ways that respect the multiple views in the family.
In the face of disagreements, every family can choose problem solving over escalating the disagreement into a conflict. Every single time, they have the choice to problem-solve.
Does such problem-solving take level-headed thinking? Yes. Parents must avoid emotional reactions and the impulse to impose their will. Instead, parents must think clearly about how to state the problem, such as what flavor ice cream shall we buy. Does it take creative thinking? Yes. Options must be generated.
Do families who do this raise children with excellent problem-solving skills? Yes. Are such children likely to become parents who raise their children in an atmosphere of love and respect? Yes. Are problem-solving skills highly prized in the workplace because they are associated with competence and leadership? Yes.
Are workers with such skills more likely to be promoted into positions of authority with higher salaries? Yes. Are problem-solving skills highly valued in governmental and religious organizations in our diverse society? Yes.
One last question: Why wouldn’t parents think it is “worth it” to practice problem-solving skills with their children?
Lynne M. Webb, PhD, is a professor emeritus in communication at Florida International University and the University of Arkansas who lives in Gainesville. Her research examines interpersonal communication in a variety of contexts, including families. She has published over 100 scholarly essays as well as the recipient of multiple research, teaching and mentoring awards. Learn more about Dr. Webb on LinkedIn and ResearchGate.net. Reach her at CommProfWebb@gmail.com and on Twitter @CommProfWebb.
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This article originally appeared on The Gainesville Sun: Lynne M. Webb: Family disagreements offer opportunity for growth
