This week, Hannah Keyser gives you her thoughts on Signs, lightning strikes, the Jelly Belly golden ticket challenge and much, much more in our “Best of the Rest” episode of takes that didn’t make the original cut during the season.
HANNAH KEYSER: Killer, you need to move. Come here.
- Oh my God.
HANNAH KEYSER: Rather than be like, oh I've been disturbed. Let me get up and leave. He's just like, no!
- There's a different cat on the set.
- It's like "Wayne's World."
HANNAH KEYSER: I'm Hannah Keyser, and this is The Bandwagon.
Right now, we are in the middle of a League Championship Series schedule that's tighter than Walker Buehler's pants, and more self serious than A-Rod gazing into his own reflection while taking a bubble bath.
The games have honestly been great. Really tense, full of so much talent, that sometimes I worry it's actually masking how impressive, and borderline impossible, what any one given dude is doing. Like, imagine seeing someone throw 100 miles per hour with pinpoint precision in the context of anything other than facing off against other professional athletes, who can put that pitch in the seats some 400 plus feet away.
Every game now includes a throw from third across the diamond that breaks several laws of leverage and momentum from sheer muscle power. Plus, the ability to bounce back from this, and this. But, maybe you need a break from all of that quality baseball. You're craving a whole lot of non sequiturs that have a tenuous relationship to stuff that actually happened this year. Well good, same.
In a slightly troubling testament to how this season has occasionally broken my brain, I present to our compilation episode. These are all the fan, not a fans that got left on the cutting room floor back when their episodes aired. It is a best of the rest. Which might not say all that much about quality, but it did make us laugh. Remember laughing? That was fun
- Mookie's splashdown home room!
HANNAH KEYSER: Oh, didn't he have like a fake splash, and then a real splash? It like boop, boop into the-- no. I'm thinking of Mike Yastrzemski who did that. Let's talk about Mike Yastrzemski instead, he's playing well. Fan.
No, Mookie's great. Mookie's great. Mookie's obviously like the best player in baseball right now. Except for he's not, Mike Yastrzemski is, check the war charts. Sorry, this was not intended to be a Mike Yastzemski segment. I just accidentally got there.
- "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
HANNAH KEYSER: "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," it's a great movie, I'm a huge fan, it's a classic. Why are we talking about "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" right now? Because the Braves have a player, a pitcher named Touki Toussaint, he's not very good. He will get [CLICK] when somebody else comes back. But, every time I am reminded of his existence, I think about how his name sounds like-- OK, you know in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," the song that goes, Oh Yeah and then at the very end it goes, tooka too sah.
It sounds like that. If I met Touki Toussaint, I'd be like, hey nice to meet you I'm
Like I wouldn't be able to not say it like that.
- Russell Wilson and Sierra named their baby Win. Win Wilson.
HANNAH KEYSER: This is fine. This is fine. This is fine.
- It's like that meme with all the fire
in the background?
- You're the physical embodiment of that meme, yeah.
- This is fine?
- College football.
HANNAH KEYSER: Killer, honey. Killer says, he doesn't love it. Personally, not a big fan of College Football. There is enough endemic issues.
Yeah, so personally I'm not a HUGE--
- Signs. Baseball players use signs to communicate with one another.
- The movie "Signs".
HANNAH KEYSER: The movie, "Signs" is-- I haven't, this is a theory that I've working on for a very long time. You know how Baseball has like, WAR. So it's like, how good you are above, or below, a replacement player. My theory as this relates to the movie "Signs," is that moment in the movie "Signs," where they're watching one the computer, and the alien walks between two buildings. Right into the camera? Actually I'll do that one.
That is zero WAR on the scary scale. That is like, that is replacement level scary. Whenever someone tells me about a movie, they're like, I'm going to go see "Mother." And I'm like how many scaries is it of the alien going, wooh, in between the building. I don't want it to be any scarier than that. That's the metric by which all scary movies should be measured. I understand my tolerance for scary movies is particularly low. I really only want maybe, maximum, one that guy.
Isn't the conclusion of that movie that a bunch of aliens that are smart enough for space travel came to a planet that was like 90% water, even though they can't hack it?
HANNAH KEYSER: Not a fan, that doesn't hold up at all.
- Teddy Bears.
HANNAH KEYSER: The ones at the A's game? Are they disgusting? Are they disgusting? Nothing plush should be exposed to the elements.
I kind of like the teddy bears better than the cutouts. I like the teddy bears better than the cutouts. Teddy bears are kind of cute. So fan.
- Jelly Belly goes full Willy Wonka.
! The Jelly Belly founder, Mr. Belly, is retiring. And he has decided to give away one of his factories to somebody who finds a golden ticket. This is a terrible idea. This is why we shouldn't have old politicians. Jelly Belly, Mr. Belly is retiring. So he doesn't care anymore about the, like, operations of the factory. If they run the factory into the ground, and they, you know, they let it fall below safety codes, and this causes an Oompa Loompa to lose their arm, that's not his problem.
This is an allegory for the fact that old politicians don't give a [BLEEP] about climate change. We're sort of like, in 50 years the Earth will be uninhabitable, and they're like, that's fine. It's an allegory. Not a fan
- The Tour de France.
HANNAH KEYSER: Is that happening now? Here's my question, do they sell spectator tickets to tour de France, or can you just appear upon the sidelines? Do they take breaks? Is it multiple days? OK, so what was the question? Am I a fan of the Tour de France? Apparently not.
I'm just hugely ignorant about it, apparently.
- Swimming with milk on your head.
HANNAH KEYSER: Does anyone-- has anyone else tried it? Do we have a control group? Is it hard?
I bet it is, I'm just saying I don't have any context for swimming with milk on my head. They should have had like, like a normal person. Like, whoever showed up to produce this commercial, they should have been like, get in the [BLEEP] pool, put milk on your head, see if you can swim. That way we could have--
- Put a milk on your head.
HANNAH KEYSER: --a control group. Fan of the Katie Ledecky thing.
But I'm still putting a little asterisk next to it.
- Shaking off lightning strikes. This was a factoid in the Indians game yesterday. That some dude in his debut got struck by lightning in the ninth inning, and then finished the game.
HANNAH KEYSER: Yes. If Ray Caldwell was still alive, he is not, he would be a bloviating ass on MLB Network, constantly referencing the fact that he had pitched a complete game, after getting struck by lightning. And pitchers these days can't even like, can't even make it through a 60 game season. Like, do you think he forever referenced this whenever somebody was like, I pulled a hammy, I got to come out of this game. He was like, really?
If it happened to a person who was still alive, you couldn't be a fan of it. Like you couldn't be like, sure he probably suffers long term health effects, but it was cool, headline writers got some puns out of it. But since he's already gone, fan.
He lived a long life.
- Post season droughts.
HANNAH KEYSER: What about them?
- If a bunch of teams could end theirs. The Mariners and Marlins.
HANNAH KEYSER: That would be good for them, right?
I always feel like I'm being trapped, when you guys are like, Mother Teresa. Like I I'm not
- Not a fan!
HANNAH KEYSER: Yeah, you should do that. Fan.
[AIRHORN] So I know the people who pay attention to this stuff, like you've already tuned this out, are the people who already plan to vote. And they want to tell you how powerful it is. But here's the thing, voting is not the panacea. Or even an extreme manifestation of political engagement. It is something far more important. It is the fundamental first step to calling ourselves a democracy.
It should be easy and universal. And anyone who works against it should be seen for what they are, fascists. If you can, you have a moral obligation to vote. Not to be a hero, but to simply do your part. To ensure that the fate of people who stand to lose the most in this election, are not determined by your apathy.
HANNAH KEYSER: I hope that you feel passionate and inspired to participate in shaping the future of this country. Personally, I can't wait to take my condemnation of the current administration offline, and somewhere that actually matters. Don't just tweet. But if that sounds like a hassle, and you'd rather talk about sports, consider instead not being a callous [BLEEP] and figure out a plan to vote. If you don't know where to start, you can check it out at Yahoo Sports' voting playbook. You could just Google, really anything. You could turn to someone next to in line at the grocery store. They'll tell you how to vote. Please vote.
- Wear a mask!
- All right, that's it. See you all for the World Series episode.