A few ideas for Mitt’s next job

Wednesday, U.S. Sen. Mitt Romney announced he will not run for another term. Many in my state are mourning this announcement. They’ve come to rely on the senator for stability and reason in a time of political unrest.

To those people I say, chin up. Sen. Romney does not strike me as the kind of guy who will just be sitting around. I’m sure we’ll see him around. And to Mitt I say, if you need ideas for what to do after January 2025, I’ve got you.

The following is an exhaustive list of jobs around town I think you’d enjoy.

The guy who yells “FREE MEAL” at Cafe Rio when a customer has enough stamps to earn a free pork salad

Full disclosure, I don’t know if they actually do this anymore, but there was a time when a customer could get something like 70 stamps on their frequent customer card and earn a free meal. There was also a time when people were eating at Cafe Rio often enough to cash in on these free meals pretty frequently. And every time they did, one of the employees behind the counter would yell “FREE MEAL!” and all the other employees would respond with “FREE MEAL!” and it would fill the restaurant with joy every time. Doesn’t that sound nice after six years in the trenches of Congress? If they have, in fact, retired the practice, I’m sure they’d be willing to bring it back at your behest.

Lifeguard at Splash Summit (Formerly known as Seven Peaks)

Look, from what I’ve observed, this job is a walk in the (water) park. Sure, you have to save the occasional kid from the Wave Pool, and you probably need to have a high tolerance for coming in contact with used bandages, but for the most part, it just requires sitting at the top of the slides, holding a float tube, and using two fingers to signal “your turn” to kids in tubes waiting to slide down. All my friends who worked at Seven Peaks over the summer came back to school with the best tans. I was always jealous.

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Jazz Bear

Trampolines. T-shirt guns. Acrobatics. Dream job?

Lifty

January is the perfect time to get a job at one of our many world-renowned ski resorts. There are many to choose from. Perhaps serving nachos at the lodge or operating the lift, but not on the bunny hill. Too many first-timers fall getting on the lift. But one of the back mountains? All you have to do is rake the snowy dismount pad to get those nice ridges. Plus, there’s usually great music in the little hut.

Performer at Lagoon

Not everyone knows there’s a stage in the center of the park where young performers with Broadway aspirations sing and dance for theme park attendees who need a break from the sun. Can you imagine how many park admission tickets they would sell if you were the live entertainment headliner? We know you have the chops:

Swig guy who holds the iPad

I think this might be the most lucrative job in the state because after the iPad holder/order-taker guy processes your card, he hands you the iPad to get your signature and select a tip amount. There’s no way to select “no tip” without him noticing, so I tip a dollar every time. I don’t want to tell you how many extra dollars Swig is making from me every week because of this, but I will tell you it is not insignificant.

For-hire golf cart driver through the SLC Airport B gate

I lied before. This would be the most lucrative job in the state.

Crumbl recipe contributor

I don’t know if there’s any actual money in this one but I am pretty confident you would get a cookie named after you. I, for one, would be very excited to see the Romney Raisin featured on I-15 billboards. That would sure beat some of the other billboards I’ve seen about you.

Train conductor at Hogle Zoo

There was a time in my life when I was spending a lot of time at Hogle Zoo and, consequently, a lot of time on the Zoo Train, which drives past the “Savanna,” past the backside of the lions’ den, around the giraffes and past the buffalos while the conductor makes jokes like “look at those cats just LION around.” They always seem to be having a great time, and honestly, I think the pinstripe overalls and cap would suit you well.

Columnist for Deseret News

I know my colleague Suzanne Bates mentioned this in jest and your response was, “I bet there’s a lot of money in that,” which, fair, but I would love to have someone to split the workload with and I promise to share my snacks.

Whatever you decide to do next, Sen. Romney, I look forward to seeing you there.