Finally Visiting Aging Parents after the Pandemic? What to Do If They’ve Declined

·7 min read
A senior mom and her adult daughter smile together.
A senior mom and her adult daughter smile together. Getty Images

The to-do list for the long-awaited family visit seems like it should be fairly straightforward. Vaccinations: check. Travel arrangements: check. Planning special meals and activities: check. Hugs and maybe some happy tears: BIG check.

After more than a year of quarantine, many people are looking forward to seeing their parents and older relatives in person and spending quality time catching up. While the hugs and kisses are sure to be welcome, it is also likely that adult children will be seeing changes – both subtle and obvious – in their aging parents due to the emotional and financial toll of the pandemic. That means the to-do list for your reunion trip may need to be slightly longer than you had initially planned, and may very well include some financial, medical and lifestyle issues specific to aging parents. But as with any element of a family visit, planning ahead can help ensure smooth sailing so you have more than enough time to enjoy each other’s company.

A Decline Can Be Tough to Spot from Afar

It is often difficult to detect changes to an aging parent’s physical or mental state on the telephone or over a video call. It is even harder to evaluate the living conditions for an older person from these methods of contact. One of my clients recently went to visit her 92-year-old mother after a year apart. Her mother had seemed to do well during quarantine, and their daily video calls always took place when the mother was comfortable in her favorite easy chair, with the part of the living room visible looking orderly.

When my client arrived for her first in-person visit, however, she found piles of mail, including overdue bills and groceries piled up on the kitchen table, and stacks of unopened merchandise boxes filling all the floor space in the extra bedroom. She never saw any of these areas on the video calls, so she was not aware that her mother was having a hard time understanding her bills, could not reach some of the shelves in her pantry to put away groceries due to new issues with her balance, and that she had accidentally ordered monthly merchandise subscriptions from television commercials that she did not know how to cancel.

Instead of just enjoying their time together, my client spent most of her visit trying to figure out what bills needed to be paid, requesting refunds on those that her mother had paid multiple times and unraveling the merchandise subscription plans. She had to take her mother to the bank so that she could be added as signer on her mother’s accounts, have online access to set up automatic bill payment to ensure that bills were paid on time in the future and put restrictions on her mother’s debit card.

There are a lot of ways that people can get tripped up by the technology that banks have started implementing, even though much of it is meant to help protect them. Adapting to these changes doesn’t need to be complicated, but there are a number of ways to head off having these changes negatively impact your finances through unintended consequences:

Over-the-Phone Card Purchases

Some banks allow you to prohibit the use of credit or debit cards to make purchases over the phone, or from catalogs or television commercials – helping to prevent elderly consumers from being scammed or signing up for difficult-to-cancel services. If a phone purchase is required, the person managing the finances can call the issuing company in advance to approve a one-time charge using a verification process. These arrangements can be especially helpful for when managing finances for people with cognitive difficulties.

‘Convenience’ Changes

Some of the “convenience” changes that came about as a result of the pandemic may be challenging for aging parents, as well. For example, many financial institutions automatically changed to paperless statements and notifications for all clients during the pandemic, and most now use electronic document signing as the default.

For aging parents who may struggle with understanding new technology or have physical issues that prevent them from using it altogether, these changes may be difficult.

Disabilities and the Need for Physical Statements

Although she is quite mentally sharp, the mother of another of my clients is legally blind. She uses a table-top magnifying device to read hard copies of documents, but the magnifier cannot be attached to a computer screen and distorts the display on mobile devices – so paperless statements and electronic signatures are not an option for her.

My client’s mother did not know why she suddenly stopped getting her credit card statement in the mail, was not able to go online to access her account to change back to paper statements, and the customer service telephone number on the back of her credit card was too small for her to read – all of which was very frustrating to her and left her with little control over her finances.

If you are managing the finances for an aging parent, you may need to set up online access yourself so that you can help your parent change account preferences or review their credit card, bank or financial account statements.

Planning for Care Down the Line

Even if you arrive for your visit and all appears well, it is important to be observant of smaller physical and cognitive changes that could require some assistance in the future, and help your parent budget accordingly. If you note your mother, a lifetime avid gardener, is having trouble with the physical elements required to maintain her garden, you may consider hiring a landscaping service to handle the bigger projects, such as trimming, mowing and weeding, so your mother can do the less strenuous tasks, such as planting flowers or vegetables, while still enjoying her hobby. If you see that your father has become unsteady on his feet, you may want to discuss hiring a handyman to install railings or a ramp for stairs in the future.

Asking your parent for contact information for providers they are comfortable with in advance will allow you to be prepared when the need arises, instead of scrambling to find help after something happens. It also ensures your parent retains agency over their day-to-day life while easing any uncertainty they may have about a stranger assisting them in their home.

No one wants their family reunion to be just about getting tasks done or creating tension in relationships, especially if aging parents feel that they are being nagged or coddled by their adult children. Being prepared in advance with some ideas of what you want to make sure is still being handled well by your parents and where they might need some support with financial, physical and lifestyle tasks will allow you create balance between solving problems and enjoying each other’s company once again.

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