Five potential gifts Cardinals fans really don’t need to own, courtesy of MLB Shop online

All across the metro area this Christmas, even after one of the team’s toughest seasons in recent memory, countless Cardinals fans will open gifts in some form or fashion connected to the team and the game. One of the joys of fandom is expressing devotion through swag and memorabilia, and if nothing else, tickets can make a reliable standby?

But what should you buy for the Cardinals fan in your life for whom you don’t really want to buy a gift at all but feel obligated to regardless? What are the items that no one anywhere needs to own, and why are they still kept in stock? Here are a few suggestions taken directly from the official MLB Shop online, operated by Fanatics, a company for whom there is a devoted, passionate, and highly active social media following tracking its many errors.

Carlos Martínez Autographed Baseball – $99.99

Since running out the clock on his Cardinals contract in 2021, Martínez has bombed out of two separate minor league deals, been handed suspensions for both performance enhancing substance use and domestic violence, and put up passable results in various winter leagues. That’ll be a hundred bucks.

The item’s description does say the ball was verified through the MLB authentication process, so you will have some reliable proof that you own a truly nuclear piece of non-history. Balls in seemingly identical condition are for sale on eBay at approximately 20% of the price, but they don’t have a fancy hologram sticker.

When combining price point, relevance, and market potential, this is a rotten egg of a present that not even the most nostalgic Pop’s bouncer could enjoy.

Tyler O’Neill Framed 15” x 17” Stitched Stars Collage – $49.99

Prior to the 2019 season, O’Neill switched his jersey number from 41 to 27. He then promptly put up a top ten finish in the MVP race and looked like he would join Nolan Arenado and Paul Goldschmidt to form the most fearsome heart of a National League order for years to come. Then a few other things happened, and now he’s in Boston.

The artisans behind this plaque, though, slapped a big stitched 41 on the design, and surrounded it with photos of O’Neill wearing the same number. That suggests that this item has been sitting in a warehouse (don’t worry, it’s not autographed, so no fade risk) for at least four and a half years. Presumably it comes with an authentic patina.

Unfortunately, despite the back stock, Fanatics warns that this item may not ship for 11 business days. Considering the holiday calendar, there’s an outside chance it will arrive in time for Winter Warm-Up where O’Neill will not be available to sign it, because again, Red Sock.

Rawlings Black Leather Baseball – $39.99

Baseballs are famously not black, owing to a need for them to be visible. This item does not carry any Cardinals branding at all, but if you would like to purchase it for someone who can beg a player to sign it with a gold paint pen, the universal signal for autograph scalper, then I suppose that is your prerogative.

However, the photograph of the ball on the website used in detail does have an indiscernible autograph scrawled in just that style on the ball’s sweet spot. The official description insists the ball does not come autographed, but it seems hard to be sure.

As a reminder, this product has nothing to do with the Cardinals whatsoever. Not even a stamp.

32 GB Peanuts Design Credit Card USB Drive with Bottle Opener – $32.99

The peanuts relevant to the design template have nothing to do with Snoopy. It is instead merely a backdrop of uncanny valley-style legumes, floating in a vast nothingness.

An attempt to price compare other 32 GB flash drives proved challenging, as flash drives are almost universally made in capacities far exceeding 32 GB in 2023. Amazon did offer for sale a 10-pack of 32 GB flash drives for $12 less.

Also, are flash drives meant to be crammed into a wallet? Is it a good idea to sit on a flash drive? Somewhat delicate electronics are supposed to be submitted constantly to humidity from leather and the weight of a human body, right?

There is simply no explanation for why a bottle opener would need to be USB compatible.

Men’s New Era Yellow/Black Grilled 59FIFTY Fitted Hat – $43.99

This is a very stupid hat, and for some reason, it has the 2009 All-Star Game patch on the side. Don’t buy this hat. It’s ugly, and people will make fun of you. Buy literally almost any other hat instead (not the adjustable one with the STL logo laid over a Union Jack).

If you choose to give or receive any of these items, it belongs only to your own folly. Still, even so, the exchange might present an opportunity for a warm and joyous holiday season to all who still find connection in their beloved game.