Five steps to an enlightened Thanksgiving dinner: Don't go, and if you do, wear pajamas
On this day before Thanksgiving, I ask all Americans to come together and acknowledge our one shared truth: Thanksgiving is an awful holiday.
I know many will claim to disagree with that statement, but that’s your inner rationalization stifling true feelings. Try to set yourself free from the Turkey Industrial Complex and let your real, base emotions flow.
Thanksgiving is a ton of work. There’s too much food, yet it’s still impossible to please everyone who sits down to eat. It often involves getting together with people you’d rather not be around. And it puts you in regular clothes away from your couch when you could be on your couch in pajamas.
I have to wear uncomfortable clothes AND be thankful? Yeesh
And then there’s the constitutionally mandated thankfulness, which invariably resolves into someone saying, “Well, I’m just thankful to be here with all you wonderful people!”
Lies.
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We need to insert some mindfulness into this holiday, and I’m telling you, the first step toward Thanksgiving enlightenment is admitting the holiday is a problem.
Here are a few things to keep in mind.
Remember, you don't have to go
Americans have a an almost Pavlovian response when invited to Thanksgiving dinner: “Oh, sure, we wouldn’t miss it!”
Guess what? You can miss it. You can stay home and eat Cheetos all day while binge-watching Netflix documentaries about serial killers. There’s no law that would stop you.
Will your relatives be upset? Probably, a little. But they’ll get over it. And you can take comfort knowing that all of them, whether they admit it or not, are a little bit jealous.
If you do go, wear pajamas
There is absolutely no reason to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner. None. There’s nothing in the story of the first Thanksgiving that describes a mandatory dress code. If there were we’d all be wearing breeches, petticoats and funny hats.
Everyone who dresses up for the big meal is just waiting for someone courageous enough to show up wearing pajama pants and an old AC/DC T-shirt. Once the fashion facade is broken, others will follow. Only then can true holiday comfort be achieved.
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Encourage grazing and reject the tyranny of a designated eating time
Here’s how the traditional Thanksgiving works. A bunch of bored and slightly-on-edge humans who, if they’re being honest, would rather be home on their respective couches, are forced to stand around a metric ton of food and not eat any of it until a certain time when everyone sits down to eat at once.
That’s both cruel and unnatural. If I want mashed potatoes and gravy at 4 p.m., why should I have to wait until everyone sits down to eat at 5 p.m.? THAT’S WHEN EVERYONE ELSE IS GOING TO WANT MASHED POTATOES AND GRAVY!
It makes no sense and it violates our natural human desire for instant gratification. Just put all the different types of food out as they’re ready and let people eat what they want when and where they want it. If I want to stress-eat pumpkin pie over the sink at 2 p.m. because Uncle Frank made another racist joke, that’s my right.
An open eating plan will ease all holiday tension.
Put marshmallows on the sweet potato casseroles and legalize junk food
By treating Thanksgiving like a sacred, formal event, the fun food we actually like has become taboo. The foodies have won, and we simply can’t allow that to stand.
Everyone knows sweet potato casserole tastes better when there’s a thick layer of marshmallows melted on top. That’s just science. But many of our more frou-frou Thanksgiving chefs feel marshmallows cheapen the dish, preferring instead grotesque creations like sweet potato soufflé with butter pecan topping or (barf) grilled sweet potato baba ghanoush.
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Stop fooling yourself, fancy pants. Give us the marshmallow-topped pretend vegetable dish and, while you’re at it, put out a bowl of Cool Ranch Doritos, some M&Ms and a liter of Mountain Dew. We’re Americans, for pilgrim’s sake.
May these simple steps guide you on your path to Thanksgiving enlightenment
If you can’t pull off Step No. 1 – don’t go – I can’t promise the other steps I’ve presented will solve all your Thanksgiving headaches. There’s still the traveling and the packing and unpacking and, of course, the relatives who remind you why you only see them at Thanksgiving.
But I’m certain they will make your day easier. Particularly the pajamas part. Comfort is truly the key to happiness. That and some junk food.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Thanksgiving tips that'll make everyone happier, from food to outfits
