Florida Man roundup: Felony hot-dog throwing and standing-your-ground against a rooster

It’s time to check in with Florida Man, who has been busy lately finding new ways to get in trouble, and therefore can use the services of a good lawyer.

Finding none, I’m making myself available. My services might best be described less as pro bono, and more as pro bonehead.

First of all, I would like to speak up for Jacksonville rooster-killer James Nix, who was arrested for animal cruelty for the killing of his neighbor’s yard bird.

Nix said way too much to a local CBS-TV news affiliate about his final encounter with his neighbor’s rooster and could use a little after-the-fact editing.

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"Lucky" blow nothing to boast about

Nix said that after checking his mail near the street, the neighbor’s rooster followed him back to his property with its neck flared out, as if ready to attack.

“So, I pick up a stick in the yard, and I try to hit it. But the chicken’s jumping up at me, and I accidentally knocked in the head, you know? Call it a lucky shot, whatever.”

For the record, I would ask that the words “lucky shot” be amended to “unfortunate, and completely unintended glancing tap to the beloved fowl’s head, may he rest in peace.”

I believe that if Nix was aiming for a stand-your-ground defense against the rooster he should have taken less pride in his stick-beating skills.

And also, not refer to animal abuse investigators as “the chicken police,” as he did.

In his search for a legal defense, Nix also tried pointing fingers at the fast-food industry.

“Chickens die every day, people — at Church’s, Popeyes, Kentucky Fried Chicken,” he said.

So, I think what Nix was saying is that on one hand, you’ve got a guy beating his neighbor’s rooster with a stick, and on the other hand, you’ve got the KFC bucket.

A tortured excuse for rooster killing

He’s making an equivalency argument. Yes, you might say, but the difference is that factory-farmed poultry is not killed in a cruel, inhumane way. Right?

Sure, they’re raised in crowded indoor warehouses. Their beaks are trimmed without anesthesia, and they spend their lives standing in bodily wastes that burn their feet and bodies, which have been genetically changed to produce bigger breasts that make it hard for the chickens to stand up during their short, miserable lives.

Oh yeah, and come to think of it, they’re killed by a process called “live-shackle slaughter,” which, one could argue, is far worse than getting walloped with a stick.

Hmm. Wait a second. Nix may have stumbled onto something with his “chickens die every day” defense.

The fact that you can’t get a crispy rooster sandwich at Popeye’s is a minor sticking point in a what-about-ism theory of the case. But not disqualifying.

And Nix is probably better off than his fellow Florida Man who was arrested this month for throwing a hot dog at a police officer.

Watch out, that hot dog is loaded!

Jason Stoll, 47, of New Port Richey, was charged with a felony for throwing a hot dog at a uniformed St. Petersburg police officer.

Stoll’s “felony battery” with a hot dog occurred after the officer tried to shut down Stoll’s street hot dog sales due to an expired permit.

In Stoll’s defense, he does have a tattoo that says “hustle eat sleep repeat” and there’s nothing that exemplifies the American ideal of hustling better than selling street hot dogs on the Fourth of July weekend. (Cue the Lee Greenwood soundtrack.)

Also, it seems extreme to make the throwing of a simple hot dog a felony. I could see if it were a loaded hot dog — and I’m talking mustard, sauerkraut, and pickle relish. (That’s the AR-15 of thrown hot dogs.)

But if you’re charging a felony for a regular hot dog, does that make tossing a footlong wiener a capital offense. Or what about brats. I hear they’re the wurst.

The point is that making the tossing of a hot dog a felony elevates the injury level a hot dog can cause to a lethal level.

And as far as I can tell, nobody has been killed by a thrown hot dog. They're only fatal if you eat them on a regular basis and end up with stomach cancer. But that takes years.

Better off sticking with chicken, although maybe not the ones tortured in factory farming.

In an abundance of caution and with a concern for needlessly exposing yourself to elevated levels of tossed-food crimes, we recommend future Florida Men throw tofu — but not the extra firm kind.

Frank Cerabino is a columnist at the Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Florida Network. You can reach him at fcerabino@gannett.com. Help support our journalism. Subscribe today.

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Florida Man strikes again: This time involving a rooster and a hot dog