Florida the Utah of the Southeast? That's what Gov. DeSantis says

I know. I know. I didn’t see this coming either.

Big news. I don’t know if you’ve heard this but Florida is the Utah of the Southeast.

Florida’s Gov. Ron DeSantis broke the news over the weekend while speaking at a Republican convention in Orem, Utah.

(By the way, Orem, just may be the Palatka of the high desert.)

DeSantis told his Utah audience that he was “recently visiting with some folks in Iowa and people said, ‘You know, Iowa they’re really the Florida of the Midwest with all the conservative stuff they’re doing.’

“Well, let me just tell you maybe it’s a little secret,” DeSantis continued, “but it might just be that Florida is the Utah of the Southeast.”

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The faint link between Florida and Utah

Little secret? No, it’s a big secret. For starters, where has Utah been hiding all its Black people? OK, other than the bench of the Utah Jazz basketball team.

Not for anything, but Utah’s so white, it made Jell-O the state snack.

Diversity in Utah is a Mormon with an unusual color of bicycle.

And while we’re on the subject of religion, good luck finding a decent loaf of challah for Shabbat in your average Utah shtetl.

There are also not enough old people in Utah. It’s a fact. Utah has the lowest percentage of senior citizens in the nation, while here in Florida, we have the highest percentage — so many retirees here that it’s a struggle to keep the Voltaren gel in stock at Costco.

Utah’s also really dry. The second driest state in the nation, while Florida is so wet that mold is the official state vegetable. (Note to editor: You may want to fact-check this.)

It's open season now on claiming other states

And even more questionable, if Florida gets to be the Utah of the Southeast, does that make Alabama the Nevada of the Appalachian foothills? Or South Carolina the Wyoming of the Low Country?

If we’re anything in Florida, we’re the Arizona of the Southeast. That explains why Kari Lake has been haunting Mar-a-Lago since losing the governor’s race in Arizona.

I’m worried that Florida’s cities will suddenly be encouraged to pair up with places in Utah in order to stoke our governor’s political ambitions.

I would draw the line at Boca Raton being called the Nibley of Southeast Florida. Not with that level of poke-bowl deprivation in the Cache Valley.

But, hey, just for kicks let’s play along. Let’s pretend that Florida and Utah are somehow a pair of sister states geographically cleaved from one another, but inextricably linked through shared experiences and values.

Let’s take a deeper look with some side-by-side comparisons:

The Utes

Utah: Large Native American tribe from which Utah gets its name.

Florida: The way Florida snowbirds from Long Island refer to young people engaging in horseplay at the community swimming pool.

A bounty of white powder

Utah: State gets “Greatest snow on Earth” nickname for its plentiful, deep snow at ski resorts.

Florida: Sometimes the cocaine just washes ashore in floating packages.

Strangers knocking on the door

Utah: Common practice for Mormon missionaries

Florida: Good way to get shot

Breathtaking elevation

Utah: 13,528-foot Kings Peak in Rocky Mountains area of state

Florida: I-95 exit ramp for Palm Beach International Airport

Miles of coastline

Florida: 1,350

Utah: 0

Iconic female singer

Florida: Gloria Estefan

Utah: Marie Osmond

Impressive canyons

Utah: Bryce Canyon National Park

Florida: Home-swallowing sinkholes

Say Gay?

Florida: No. Banned in schools.

Utah: Yes. Rudy Gay plays for the Jazz.

Flooding emergency

Utah: Governor Cox takes early step in deploying one million sandbags across the state in anticipation of floods caused by melting snow.

Florida: Governor DeSantis takes early step to promote his book in Ohio, telling people there that he represents “Ohio values” while floods from heavy rains cause gasoline shortages in South Florida.

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This week, DeSantis will be pretending to be an American statesman abroad with visits to Japan, South Korea, Israel and Great Britain.

If I had to guess, I'd say London is going to be the Tallahassee of Western Europe.

Frank Cerabino is a columnist at The Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Florida Network. You can reach him at fcerabino@gannett.com.

This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Gov DeSantis calls Florida the Utah of Southeast in tour of red states