Fly DeSantis Airways, America's No. 1 airline for exploited migrants!

·4 min read

In the wake of his selfless decision to fly asylum-seeking migrants from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis is enjoying his moment in the spotlight as “America’s Hottest Republican Who May Have Engaged In Something Uncomfortably Close to Human Trafficking.”

He’s basically the “it guy” among all today’s high-profile xenophobes, and everyone’s just waiting for his next flight of weary migrants to drop. Officials in President Joe Biden's home state of Delaware scrambled Tuesday to prepare for the possible arrival of a flight, paid for with Florida taxpayer money.

A helpful sales pitch for DeSantis Airways

So to help out DeSantis’ recruiting efforts, I’ve come up with a sure-fire pitch his people can use when trying to persuade migrants, mostly legal asylum seekers, to get on a stranger’s airplane.

Here it goes:

Hi there! I’m a representative with DeSantis Airways, America’s premier pathway to a brighter tomorrow. I’d like to invite you to please board this airplane and not ask questions about where you’ll be going.

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You seem exhausted and frightened, as if you’ve walked hundreds of miles, fleeing your home and all you’ve ever known in search of a better and safer life. Please allow me a moment to take advantage of your weariness and fear by enticing you with (not-guaranteed) promises of work, shelter and security.

Please accept this totally free ride to a place of some sort

It can all be yours for free if you sign this document that you don’t need to read and join me and 40 or so other strangers on this unmarked airplane that is traveling to a place.

What kind of place? In America, we call that a rude question. But because you’re new here, I’ll answer it.

Migrants gather with their belongings on Sept. 14, 2022, in Edgartown, Mass., on Martha's Vineyard.
Migrants gather with their belongings on Sept. 14, 2022, in Edgartown, Mass., on Martha's Vineyard.

The airplane you will be legally bound to swear you boarded voluntarily and without enticement will whisk you and any family members you’re traveling with to a wonderful part of America where you can help your new country with a beloved tradition we call “owning the libs.”

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You don’t need to worry about what that means or the possibility that it sounds inexplicably stupid. Just trust me – I’m the person offering you a free plane flight to a place!

An airline company founded on xenophobia and presidential ambitions

DeSantis Airways was founded by Florida’s glorious and mighty Gov. Ron DeSantis. It all began with a dream, an American dream, that a Florida man could use taxpayer money for flights that would carry migrants like yourself to places he thought were funny, and then he could become president.

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, whom you can definitely trust to fly you some place, as long as you sign this waiver.
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, whom you can definitely trust to fly you some place, as long as you sign this waiver.

By flying DeSantis Airways today, you’ll become part of that American dream, and what happens to you after that is irrelevant, though we’re 100% sure it’s going to be great. (Greatness not guaranteed.)

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Nothing creepy or inhumane going on here

You might be asking yourself: Isn’t luring strangers onto an airplane the kind of creepy behavior usually reserved for human traffickers and serial killers? That’s hilarious. Perhaps in your culture it’s seen that way, but here in America it’s just a thing we do in the year 2022 because a bunch of self-proclaimed patriotic citizens have decided human decency is for the birds!

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No, if you fly DeSantis Airways, you can rest assured there’s nothing creepy or inhumane happening whatsoever (some creepiness and inhumanity may occur) and the sooner you hustle on board the sooner you’ll see for yourself. Please get on the plane right now.

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It's all you could ever hope for (all you could hope for not guaranteed)

Did I mention the free buffet on board your DeSantis Airways flight? (Free buffet not included.)

Walk this way to American prosperity, folks! Welcome to DeSantis Airways, where you matter most, as long as you sign these forms swearing I never said any of these things to you and disavowing all knowledge of DeSantis Airways.

Enjoy the flight to somewhere.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis faces scrutiny over migrant flights