A foreign spy's view on Mar-a-Lago search affidavit: 'You're taking the fun out of spying'

The following note was emailed to me Friday by one of my many non-existent, fake, sources in the global spying community. I share it in the interest of national security:

Hello, American readers, my name is [REDACTED] and I’m a veteran spy for an adversarial foreign nation.

Now that a judge has released the redacted affidavit used by your FBI to obtain a warrant to search former President Donald Trump’s home at the Mar-a-Lago country club in Florida, there’s something I need to get off my chest: Your former president has totally taken the fun out of spying.

I got into the espionage business for thrills and danger. Sneaking around, carrying hidden recording devices, covertly taking pictures of government officials cheating on their spouses so I could then bribe them for top-secret information. Occasionally engaging in some light torture. You know, the fun stuff.

Trump is making it easy

Do you know what I have to do now to get my hands on some of America’s most classified intelligent documents? I have to go to a freakin’ golf course in Florida and schmooze with a bunch of sweaty Americans. It’s like taking candy from very dumb babies.

It’s all right there in the affidavit that came out Friday. One initial batch of 15 boxes the government got back from Trump in January contained “184 unique documents bearing classification markings, including 67 documents marked as CONFIDENTIAL, 92 documents marked as SECRET, and 25 documents marked as TOP SECRET.”

These were just sitting around in a storage room at this gaudy country club. And not just there. The affidavit said: “The locations to be searched include the ‘45 Office,’ all storage rooms, and all other rooms or areas within the premises used or available to be used by FPOTUS and his staff and in which boxes or documents could be stored, including all structures or buildings on the estate.”

Seriously, America? I trained for years to infiltrate secure facilities, win the trust of unsuspecting government officials and then stealthily steal their key cards, and hack even the most well-protected computer systems. Heck, I even know how to sneak around laser beams set up to trip alarm systems, kind of like that guy in your American “Mission Impossible” movies.

I’m really good at my job!

School book bans: As Texas targets 'inappropriate' books, I say keep going: My list of what to ban next

But thanks to Trump and his minions, a hard day’s work now involves eating a soggy waffle from the Mar-a-Lago breakfast buffet (seriously, how do you screw up waffles?!?) then sneaking past Eric Trump, who’s usually playing a video game on his phone, and trotting down to the “storage room,” picking a high-school-locker lock and flipping through a box of top-secret documents revealing human intelligence sources around the world.

And do you know what that box is labeled? It’s labeled “TOP SEECRET DOCS ON HUMAN SORESUS”!!!

Geez, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

Trump wanted to lock up Hillary

And it’s all thanks to the same guy who said he wanted to put that email lady who ran for president in prison for mishandling classified information. You wanna know what I, a highly qualified foreign spy, got out of Hillary Clinton’s email fiasco? As you Americans say: Zilch. Zippo. A lousy risotto recipe.

Back in 2016, Trump tweeted: “Lyin' Hillary Clinton told the FBI that she did not know the ‘C’ markings on documents stood for CLASSIFIED. How can this be happening?”

Classified info at Trump home? Let us count the creative explanations

Great question, person taking all the fun out of my career. Let’s see, what did the affidavit say they found floating around in various rooms at Mar-a-Let’sGoStealSomeDocuments? Let me refresh your memory: “67 documents marked as CONFIDENTIAL, 92 documents marked as SECRET, and 25 documents marked as TOP SECRET.”

HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING?!?

Look, I know I should be overjoyed. I mean, all I had to do to get access to some of America’s most precious intelligence information was pay a ridiculously high country club membership fee and tell the former president I thought his red hat made him look handsome.

Who will win the White House in 2024? It's clear Americans don't want Trump or Biden.

But work just isn’t fun if there’s no challenge. I feel like a cashier watching the automated checkout lines get installed at the grocery store.

Dead drops. Honeypots. Safe houses. Being an agent provocateur. That’s what spying on Americans used to involve.

Now? It’s about as exciting as going to Sam’s Club to buy trail mix in bulk.

I’m going to get a stupid red hat with “Make Spying Great Again” written on it. I’ll probably wear it next time I’m on a mission…at the breakfast buffet.

Death to America,

- [REDACTED]

More satire and humor columns from Rex Huppke:

Will Florida be consumed by wokeness now that DeSantis' Stop WOKE Act has been blocked?

'Defund the FBI': Trump supporters calmly react to Mar-a-Lago search

Candy corn was already an abomination. Then they made it hot-dog flavored.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

You can read diverse opinions from our Board of Contributors and other writers on the Opinion front page, on Twitter @usatodayopinion and in our daily Opinion newsletter. To respond to a column, submit a comment to letters@usatoday.com.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Trump affidavit details classified information was at Mar-a-Lago