My friend won’t commit to being a bridesmaid. Am I wrong to demand an immediate answer?
Q. After I became engaged, I asked one of my college sorority sisters to be in my wedding. She said she couldn’t commit until we had selected the date, which makes sense since she has been looking for another job in another state. So we decided on a date which, of course, is normal in that it is about 10 months away. So I told her the date and asked if she could be a bridesmaid. She said she would check a few things with her job and let me know. That was two months ago and she has not mentioned the subject in our phone conversations and we talk about once a week. Shouldn’t she respond faster than that. If she can’t do it, then I need to be asking someone else and we are going to have to go out and look for dresses soon because it takes a long time to get them sometimes and I don’t want that horror story for my wedding. Am I wrong if I call her and tell her I need to know, like NOW? And if I do, what do I do if she tells me she still doesn’t know? Or what if she says she wants to do it, but can’t afford to buy a dress? Do I have to offer to pay for it since I asked her to be in the wedding?
A. I believe your sorority sister is being slightly inconsiderate by taking what is considered too much time to give you an answer to your question. You have been very patient, but it is now time, to call her and politely say something like this: “I am sorry, (Jane), but I am at the point in planning for my wedding that I need your answer as to whether you can be in my wedding or not.”
If she says, she still doesn’t know because of her quest to find another job, then you want to try to comfort her as you explain to her, you have to move on and ask someone else. You could say: “I know you are as disappointed as I am that you cannot be one of my bridesmaids, but I understand, and I want you to know we will be friends forever. If you find out, you can at least come to the wedding, maybe there will still be time to have you participate in some other special way, like giving one of the Readings during the ceremony.”
By offering to include her in your wedding in some other capacity which does not require as much lead time (if you want to consider doing so), then you will probably help her feel a lot better and you as well, because she will still be a part of your special day.
If she responds by telling you she cannot afford to buy her dress, unless your wedding budget will allow you and your husband-to-be to pay for her dress and those of your other bridesmaids, you can say: “I realize the cost of a dress can be a financial hardship especially if you are possibly in-between jobs and moving, and I would not expect you to overextend yourself. I understand and if our wedding budget were bigger, you know I would offer to pay for your dress. I do not want you to feel bad about this. Maybe there will be another way in which we can have you be a special part of our day, like giving one of the readings in the ceremony.”
Wedding gift question
Q. My husband and I have been invited to another wedding later this spring and this is the second wedding wherein there is a little separate card inside, asking for money for a specialized gift for the newlyweds, like the one couple has been living together since COVID hit and they want money as a gift to help them buy a house. The other couple wants money as a gift to help them pay for their dream honeymoon since COVID meant their job hours were cut back. Is this proper? Am I that old-fashioned that I don’t think it is appropriate to tell people what you want for a wedding gift? Do we have to follow that request or can we give them a gift which we feel more closely represents our love for them? Some beautiful gift which every time they look at it or use it, they will think of us?
A. I do not feel you are old-fashioned at all because I feel the same way as you do. These are not the first two couples in history who have found themselves having to change or postpone their plans or change the scope of their plans because of a world situation over which they had no control. That, does not, however, make it proper to ask for money from your wedding guests to rectify a situation over which they had no control either.
The bottom line is this: It is totally proper for you to choose the gift you give to both couples.
