My Friends’ “Gentle Parenting” Approach Is About to Destroy My House

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My friends “Dan” and “Sara” are doing some kind of gentle parenting with their 4-year-old. This would not be my business except that due to getting laid off, they will be living with me. I know that’s not a great plan but they’re out of options. Anyway, I was at a barbecue where their kid bolted into the road and they didn’t even say anything about that being dangerous, just caught him and redirected him. He did this twice more throughout the night. He signals he’s done eating by dropping his food on the floor and pouring out his drink. They just say nothing and clean it up. He wipes his hands and face on the cat, and they just clean it off. Most bizarre of all, he will just walk out of the house, and they smile sheepishly and go walk with him to where ever he wants to go, usually just a couple blocks. My parents were on the opposite side of the spectrum ( I don’t think they should be yelling at him), but why not calmly say “Hey, we don’t drop food on the floor” and hand him a few paper towels until he gets tired of it?

I didn’t have any younger siblings and I don’t plan to have kids, nor do I spend much time around them, so I don’t know how much of this is normal. On the other hand, they must be doing something right, because this kid is very sweet, creative, empathetic and great at articulating emotions. They will be moving in here in two weeks, so it’s getting down to the wire. I put a lock on my studio and ordered some socket covers. I’m trying to childproof the house, but I know I’m going to miss something. Please give me some advice, if only because my cat is very light-colored and I will have to wash her a lot if this kid starts using her as napkin.

—Freaking Out

Dear Freaking Out,

You’re a great person to open your home to friends in need, so kudos to you for that. But your generosity doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat to this family when they’re inside of it, whatever their parenting philosophy may be. Yes, it’s wonderful that they’ve raised a kind child, but since you’re technically the landlord of your home, you need to set the ground rules for how your new tenants are expected to behave—and personally speaking, those rules would very much include not dropping food on my floor or using my dog’s fur as a napkin.

I think it’s worth seeing how these folks parent once they’re actually living under your roof—maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised! But the moment their child engages in one of the behaviors you mention, you can say something along the lines of, “Your son is a great kid, but I’m not going to allow him to do this in my home. I would appreciate it if you corrected his behavior so it doesn’t happen again. If not, I will speak to him myself.” I know nice people like you probably feel guilty for having to do this, but you have every right to set boundaries in this situation.

The good news is that if they are of sound mind, they should also realize that they can’t allow their son to act this way outside of their own home as well. Would they be OK with him doing this in a restaurant? A hotel? At a work colleague’s house? Probably not, so there’s a good chance they won’t allow him to do this at your house either. The bottom line is you have a say in how this family behaves in your home. Hopefully they’ll fall in line without any awkward conversations, but if not, you should feel empowered to stand up for yourself.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My brother and sister-in-law welcomed their first child earlier this year. My brother and I are white; my sister-in-law is Black. I’ve lived my entire life in a small town that has always been very white. It’s more diverse now than it used to be, but that’s not saying much. It’s only in the last several years that I really understood that I know basically nothing about the issues that affect people of color, and I’ve worked on becoming more informed. I’ve learned a lot, but I know that there’s still a lot that I don’t know. My brother and sister-in-law recently returned to work, and I watch the baby two days a week. I’m wondering if there’s anything specific that I can or should do to support my niece as she grows up as a biracial kid in a mostly white community? I did the obvious thing of making sure I have picture books with Black and brown characters, and I’ve talked to my sister-in-law about skincare. Beyond that, I have no idea. I don’t want to bother my brother and sister-in-law with this; they’re sleep deprived and have more pressing things to think about right now. I looked for books on this topic but they seem mostly geared towards kids. Any advice?

—Still Learning

Dear Still Learning,

I’m not trying to shame you, but as a person who teaches people about anti-racism for a living, it’s wild to me how many grown adults in America say they “knew basically nothing” about the issues that impact people of color until a few years ago (probably right around the time George Floyd was murdered). That said, it’s better late than never that you’re getting on this train, so I’m glad you’re onboard. I’m also glad that you have the self-awareness not to burden your SIL with this, because not every Black person wants to be your professor. But it’s my job to help educate people with stories similar to yours, but I’ll be happy to give you one free tip.

You need to make yourself uncomfortable by educating yourself on the history of racism in this country. You can do that through reading books, watching movies/documentaries, and signing up for workshops  like I and many others in my field offer. The goal is to inundate your mind with this subject matter in a way that will shine a light on your racial biases (we all have them), adopt the tools to overcome them, and motivate you to teach other white people to get into the anti-racism fight as well. If you’re looking for a good place to start, I recommend The 1619 Project on Hulu and Caste by Isabel Wilkerson.

I have a feeling that once your SIL sees the work you’re putting in on your own, she will be even more likely to offer her lived experience as a Black woman to help you on your journey. The main thing is that you’re taking the requisite steps to learn on your own first.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a woman in my early 30s and, due to some bad financial decisions on my part, I’m renting my childhood bedroom from my mother (and have been for too long). I have a tentative plan to be able to move out and into a house with my partners, but it likely won’t be possible until the middle of next year at the earliest. I’ve also lost my job, so while I’m job hunting I’m not out of the house for most of the day anymore.

Throughout my life, my mom and I have had different styles of communicating, and we often end up arguing. There is also a traumatic death in the family that has contributed to some pretty severe anxiety in her and amplified my own pre-existing anxiety. We’re both on antidepressants, and I have tried using tools from therapy to cool down our arguments, though largely I stick to avoidance and try not to be out of my room (or try to be out of the house) when she and her husband are awake. We’ve come to an agreement about most things.

But! The thing I don’t handle well at all, and that I can’t seem to get across to her, are that comments about my appearance make me extremely uncomfortable unless I’ve asked for them. I have always been a very large girl and woman (as has my mother), and  I tended to hide in baggy clothes. But in the last year, I’ve started wearing exclusively dresses and skirts and putting a lot more effort into looking the way I want and in a way I’m happy with, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It’s a big change! She’s had a year to get used to it, and she hasn’t. Now I’m around more often, and it’s getting more obvious she hasn’t gotten over it at all.

— I’m a Grown Woman, Can I Wear A Dress in Peace?

Dear Dress in Peace,

I love the fact that you’re choosing to be your authentic self, because that’s why we’re on Earth to begin with. In terms of your mom’s opinions, I wouldn’t even attempt to entertain them. I’ve learned that in situations like these, it’s best not to engage in heated arguments. Instead, you should use the good ol’ “gray rock” mentality of, well, showing the emotions of gray rock when dealing with her. Basically, all you have to do when she starts talking about your attire is to look her in the eye and give the deadpan response of, “How I choose to dress is not up for debate.” If she chooses to continue, you should again offer the same deadpan response without deviating from the script, no matter how much she gets under your skin. Eventually she’ll realize she can’t get to you and back off, just like most bullies do.

Your living arrangement with your mom isn’t permanent, so eventually you’ll be able live on your own terms. Until then, you should feel empowered knowing that nobody  has a right to offer an unsolicited opinion to you about your body and the clothes you choose to wear. It will take self-discipline not to blow up at her, but if you show her that her thoughts about your appearance are meaningless to you, she’ll stop offering them.

—Doyin

I have a 5-month-old baby. My mother came to help out when he was born, and my husband and I are grateful to her for that. But we both began to notice while she was here that she would disparage my ability to breastfeed. I didn’t think that much of it, even though my husband felt she wanted to be holding our son more than I did. Now when she visits she routinely says that my son is “making do” with the mother he has, that it’s unfortunate for him that she isn’t around us most of the time. When she comes, I feel constantly judged, which is making me feel more distant from her. I don’t know if I should bring any of this up to her. She is a very touchy person and I’m not sure it would do any good. How do I deal with this?